The Secret Life of Olivia Benson
by strange1
Summary: This is a look at Liv's personal life intermixed with the episodes. It's AU and Femflash. It starts with the first time she meets someone who intrigues her.
1. Chapter 1

AN This will be tidbits of Olivia's personal life played out over the ten seasons of Law and Order: SVU. I will be taking liberties as in this will be femflash. So though it will go along with the stories, most of it is going to be AU. I hope you enjoy. Any feedback, good or bad, is welcome especially to let me know if I should continue or not.

Olivia stared down into the murky substance that was called scotch on the rocks. It somehow paralleled her own personal life. The darkness that came with her job hampered any attempt at real relationships. For the longest of times she had one fling after another. Each man was the same. They were faceless in her mind. Had she met them again on the street, even with her eye for detail, she would not recognize them.

So the detective sat in the first bar she had come to after another brutal case. The cabbie had been castrated and for something he had not done. The man was no saint, but neither he nor the intended victim deserved that severe of a punishment. Jail would have been too good as well. But had the state handle things, it would have been in a humane way.

The young woman took another gulp of her watered down drink. It was clear that the patrons here came for one reason. They came to hook up. No one could drown their sorrows on something this watered down, not without spending a week's worth of pay. It figured that she would wander into a place like this. All she wanted was a break from all the pain and suffering she saw every day.

Even her own life had started out that way. Few knew of her origins and she intended to keep it that way. No one need know that her own mother had been the victim of a heinous rape so many years ago. The case had never really been solved. But the detective had an idea who her bastard of a father was. Some day, she might just confront him.

But not today. Today had been a rough one and she had needed some way to drown out the horrid memories she carried of each case. The personal toll it took was something else. But yet, it also gave her a satisfaction that one more son of a bitch was off the street and not causing the kind of harm that no one can ever totally get over. Not even herself.

Olivia reached into her pocket and threw a ten on the bar. Not only were the drinks watered down but they were overpriced as well. She would have to remember to avoid this place. Lucky, there were more than an ample supply of bars in New York City. It seemed that everyone had a reason to drown their sorrows or to try to find comfort even if only in a one night stand.

As she stood up to go, an attractive young blond woman came up beside her. The detective smiled politely and turned to go. "Haven't I seen you before?" The young woman's comment made her turn around. It was one of the cheesiest pick up lines that seemed to be used more often than not. "Sorry, total come on there. But I do think I've seen you in the neighborhood before."

"It's possible." Olivia was not enjoying this at all. After having thrown back her drink, her mind was now set on trying to salvage some sleep before the next horrible crime was committed. "I do live around her. If you'll excuse me I have to go. Got an early start in the morning."

"Sorry. Didn't mean to keep you." The young woman smiled shyly at her. "My name is Eva. Perhaps we could meet up sometime." With the look on Olivia's face turning to almost a look of disgust, she quickly continued. "Or not. Sorry. Just thought with you being in here…" She trailed off. "I'll let you go. Sorry again for bothering you." The young blond turned and quickly found refuge in the bathroom.

It didn't take long for Olivia to make it back to her apartment. She had taken another little jolt of medicine before she had tried, in vain, to get some sleep. For once in her life it was not the images of the latest case that were keeping her up, it was the image of the young blond. Eva had been sweet and nice and very considerate. That was the only reason that her mind would not let go of the woman's image. That just had to be it. Wasn't it?

()()()()()()

Another day and another deplorable crime to investigate. Part of her was still so tired of having to deal with all the hurt and anger that went with her job. But another part of her still wanted to see every rapist hang for what they had the gall to do to women. So as always she had kept going with that one thought in mind.

But today had been different. Olivia found herself distracted a bit. Even Stabler had noticed how distracted his partner was. Of course, she played it off as having had a late night and not much sleep. That wasn't that far from the truth. But there was another big part of the truth. And that was why she found herself in the place she had vowed not to go in.

Her eyes kept scanning the bar as she tried to find the young blond that had propositioned her the other night. Why she was here, she was still not sure of. But the young woman had made an impression on her. That was hard to do when she was so guarded with her personal life. It really amazed her that someone could get to her that quickly.

The scotch on the rocks was nearly all water as she had waited over an hour to run into Eva. Tonight had not been about drowning out the pain of the current case. Today had been about finding someone that had intrigued her like no one ever had. But it seemed her luck was holding par. Today would be no different when it came to her personal life. She maybe one of the greatest detectives but she was not so great when it came to relationships.

Finally, Olivia decided that it had been long enough. She had a sour look on her face as she tried to swallow down the water with a touch of alcohol. It was all she could do to finish her drink. As she was putting it on the table, she could feel a presence behind her. Quickly, she turned and her eyes met with a pair of green emeralds.

"Hey." Eva smiled weakly. "Mind if I sit down?" Olivia pulled out the chair next to her without saying a word. "I have to be honest, you are the last person I thought I was going to run into in this place. After the look you shot me yesterday, I thought you'd had enough of the lesbian bar scene. In fact, I was sure that you were straight."

"I am." Eva's look of surprise impelled Olivia to explain. "At least, I thought I was. I've been with a few guys." She sighed heavily. "Too many probably. And none of them were more than just a one night stand. But after I went home last night, I couldn't get you off my mind. No one has stuck in my mind like that."

Eva's face began beaming a bit. "I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. But that was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Let's say we get out of here and talk for a little while. Your place or mine?"

Olivia swallowed hard. They could just talk. Things didn't have to go any farther than that. They could take things slow. "I'd like that. I live just a block away. How bout my place?"

"I say we go before you change your mind." Eva quickly stood and let Olivia take the lead. All that was going through Olivia's mind was 'what am I doing?' Another part of her felt that this was what she was supposed to be doing. Only time would tell. What was the worst thing that could happen?


	2. Chapter 2

AN-Hope you are enjoying. I know my one true love is. Thanks for any feedback.

Olivia lay in bed, her eyes watching the red numbers tick away the minutes of her life. Soon, she was sure, there would be a call letting her know that yet another heinous crime had been committed and she would have to be there to help pick up the pieces the best she could. It just never seemed that her best was good enough as there were more criminals then there were cops. It was just another of things in life that frustrated her.

There was a different sort of frustration that was keeping her up late this night other then the thought of another horrid crime scene. It was the same thing that had kept her up for the past week now. It was the image of a certain blond that she could not seem to get out of her head. The image that stood out most was her stretched out on the couch, fast asleep.

After the two had gone to her apartment after they had once again met up in the bar, it had been an interesting evening. It was not like Olivia had anticipated at all. They had simple talked about one another. The two had shared a bottle of wine and lost track of the time. The blond beauty had fallen asleep. Liv hadn't the heart to wake her and ask her if she wanted an escort home. So, she had sat in a chair all night just watching the other woman sleep.

Eva was an amazing woman. She was a grade school teacher that was struggling to make ends meet. Sometimes she would volunteer at the local youth programs to help keep kids off the streets. The blond had moved to New York three years ago after she had met a woman. Supposedly they were to be together for the rest of their lives. Yet, two years after having been together the other woman had done the cheating thing. Luckily for the young teacher, she had made a few friends and had somewhere to go after the fallout.

Olivia had been very guarded about her work. Yes, she confirmed that she was a detective but she wouldn't go into details. In fact, she had not shared too many little tidbits about her personal life. Partly that was because she was with someone she had only met twice and partly that was because she already felt this protection toward Eva. Liv was sure that the young teacher was not as innocent as she appeared but still would not wish the kind of details that went along with her job. It was hard enough for her to deal with and she had been highly trained to do so.

The clocked ticked to five fifty four in the morning and the phone rang. It was Stabler. There had been an attack not too far from her apartment last night. They had to meet at the hospital as soon as possible. The victim was barely hanging on. So, Olivia did what she always did and that was hurry up to see what some animal would do to a defenseless woman.

It took her only twenty minutes to get to the hospital. The nurse pointed her to the emergency room with the curtain closed. Olivia swallowed hard trying to keep her voice even. "Can I come in? I'm Olivia Benson, a detective." There was a weak and muffled sound from the other side that the detective could just barely make out. Slowly, she slid the curtain back. Her heart skipped a beat as she could see through the bruises and dried blood that it was Eva. In an instant, she was by the woman's side. "Eva, what happened?"

A weak smile formed on the young woman's face. "I was trying to surprise you. I'd just stopped at that Chinese place you had mentioned." She swallowed hard as her throat was so dry and sore. "I got you your favorite, combo number ten. That was when I felt something at the back of my head. I remember falling to the ground. I remember hearing a man's voice and being rolled onto my back. After that, it's all a blank. I passed out."

In an instant, Olivia was shaking with rage. It took her a moment to gather herself. She knew she had to be strong for two reasons. One, it was her job. Two, Eva was going to need her to get the guy so that she could have some kind of closure. That was one of the reasons her own mother drank so heavily. She had never gotten the closure to know who was the man that had destroyed her. "I'm so sorry. This is my fault it happened. Can I ask you a question?" Eva nodded weakly. "Why were you at my place so late?"

"Well, when you hadn't shown up at the bar for almost a week I had at first thought you weren't interested." Eva began reaching for ice chips which Olivia got and handed to her. "Thanks. But I decided that either way we could be friends. I knew that your work had funny hours so I decided to take a chance and see if you were there. If not, I was going to give the food to a homeless person. Guess neither of that happened."

Olivia was near tears. Partly she was so angry at whoever had hurt the young school teacher. Partly was because she knew that it was all her fault. Had she not entered the young woman's life, she would not have been there at that time and would have escaped the torture that she had so cruelly endured. "I promise you one thing, if it's the last thing I do, I'll get this guy. He deserves to fry."

Eva reached out and took Liv's hand in her own. "That sounds almost like a threat. Please don't get into trouble over me. If you can catch this bastard, then please do so. Don't go being a vigilante on my part." There was this pleading look in those emerald green eyes that just melted Olivia's heart.

Just as she was about to say something else, she heard Stabler's voice in the hallway. "Excuse me for a moment but I hear my partner out in the hall. He may have some questions for you as well. I'll try and keep things to a minimum." She squeezed Eva's hand before she went into the hall. "Hey."

Stabler turned to see Olivia. Instantly he knew something was different. His partner looked like she was going to cry. "Is everything all right? Is the victim, alive?" He could see her visibly shaking. "Let's go and get you some coffee."

"I'm fine, Eliot. It's just that I know the victim" Before Stabler could say anything, Liv continued. "I don't need to be told I shouldn't be on this case. But I'm going to be. It's my fault that she was raped. She was coming over to see me when it happened. All she can remember is the guy's voice and being hit on the head. That's it. Has the rape kit turned up anything?"

It took a minute for Eliot to answer her. He was still contemplating what he should do about the obvious strong emotional connection that his partner had with the victim. There were times when 

emotions helped. But most of the time they would just get in the way. "There was seamen. If we are lucky, the perp will be in the system. If not, we'll find out who did this. But we'll do it together, right?"

Olivia barely acknowledged him. Having heard all she needed to she went back in with Eva. The young teacher was already asleep probably from all the pain meds she was being given. Only in her life a week and already she had hurt her. Part of her now wanted to push her away. Part of her just wanted to take her home and take care of her. What she was going to do, other than find the creep, she didn't know. For someone so in control, Olivia felt helpless for the first time in her life.


	3. Chapter 3

AN Only a couple reviews but I'm really enjoying writing this story. By the way, there will be fluff eventually. Had to get it going and in a strong way. Hope you like it. Thanks for taking the time to read my version of SVU.

"I know we have more than one case." Olivia glared at Stabler over her cup of coffee. "I'm doing my best to work all of them. In case you haven't noticed but I've been here for nearly eighteen hours straight trying to spread myself over all of them. And what have you been doing?"

Elliot knew his partner was frustrated because they had no leads on the rape of her friend. There had been semen and had been some trace under her finger nails but neither were in the system. All they knew now was that there were two men that had attacked her. "I know how frustrating it is not having answers for your friend but we have other work to do. And I've been here working just as hard as you have."

Olivia sighed. She knew that Stabler had been working as hard as she had. It was just so aggravating actually having some evidence but nothing to link it with. Their latest case of a woman who never really existed was just as frustrating. "Sorry. I think I need a break from this place. You mind if I go home for a bit?"

"I think that'd be best for us all." The captain stood in the doorway to his office. "We're all beat and this one is frustrating as hell. Elliot, go home to your family. Olivia, get some rest. Maybe see your mom. But whatever you do, stay far from these cases as possible. I want fresh minds in the morning."

"Got it, Captain." Both said it in unison. Stabler quickly took care of the files he had been working on and put his coat on. "I'll see you tomorrow. My advice, don't go there. You need a break. Just follow orders for once."

"Like you always do." Olivia slammed her file drawer shut and grabbed her coat and keys. Without another word to anyone, she was out the door. She hailed a cab and made her way to where she shouldn't be. But her mind was always on Eva now. It was the first time in her life that she thought almost nonstop about one person. It was something new and unique for her.

Quietly, she let herself into Eva's hospital room. It was well after visiting hours. She could always flash her badge and there be little to question. But it could also get back to the captain and she could face some serious consequences. Sometimes facing the consequences was worth the risk you just had to take.

It had been only a week since the rape. Eva was doing much better but there were still swelling around her left eye. The bruises were actually worse now than they had been before. It angered her all over again that someone could hurt someone that she cared about so much. It took all her strength to calm down. But she had to if only for Eva's sake.

As carefully and quietly as she could, she pulled the chair over to her hospital bed. Gently, she picked up the young teacher's hand in her own. She brought it to her forehead and somehow that sent a shot of strength throughout her entire body. A bit of a moan escaped the Eva and Liv looked into emerald eyes. "Sorry to have woke you up. I just had to see you before I went home. It's been a long week."

"For you and me both." Eva squeezed the detective's hand. "I figure you'd tell me already but no leads?" There was a pleading to her voice that Olivia wanted to be able to tell her yes. Sadly, all she could do was shake her head no. "It's all right. These things take time. It would be nice to know but if not, I'll be all right."

"How can you say that?" Olivia was more than frustrated now. "Most of the rape victims I know always feel scared to death. And that's even after we've managed to put the bastards away. I don't know how you could keep living knowing that out there is some creep that hurt you and could hurt you again at any moment."

Eva looked deep into those sparkling eyes that were now near tears. She smiled sheepishly at the other woman. "I'd think that would be obvious by now. Though we've only know each other for a few days." When Olivia still had questions in her eyes, the teacher continued. "You see, at least I got to know you. And I know that you care a great deal about me already. And I'm not thinking it's just as another case you have to solve."

This was the moment that Olivia had been dreading. Already burnt out after a hard day's work, this was the last conversation she wanted to be having. Or was it? Deep down inside she knew that Eva was right. The detective had gotten too close a few times on cases. But this one was entirely different. "You're right." Tears now were falling down her cheeks. "Maybe you should have been the detective."

The young blond reached up and wiped away the tears. "Well, I do deal with kids that don't always tell the truth. You have to be a bit of a mystery solver especially when one says one thing and the other say another. But really, it's just the look on your face. You've had it since the night we spent together. I could tell it was your first time where you really tried to open up. And yet, I knew you were holding things back."

Olivia shrugged. "I do that out of habit I guess. My mother was never good with revelations either. She didn't tell me who my father was until I was eighteen. We never really talked and still don't." She looked into those eyes and knew that she could trust her. It wasn't easy for her to trust but she was going to dive in head first. "My father was a rapist. I'm the product of a rape."

"Oh, God!" Eva slowly sat up in bed. "That explains why you are so hard on yourself when you can't find the bastard. It explains why you are so upset that I was raped. You think it was your fault. And you signed on to this SVU so that you could help those like your mother. You are an amazing woman. I don't know how you've dealt with all you have."

"In the past, I drank too much and I slept with faceless men." Olivia hated the sound of the words. But it was the truth and one thing she knew was that she had to be honest with Eva. "I've even been with coworkers which is a big no-no. I just couldn't seem to feel anything. I was numb all the time. In the short time I've known you I feel things. Other then the hate I've always felt for sex offenders of any kind."

Eva watched carefully the expression on the other woman's face. "Are you saying that I'm more than a one night stand?" Both chuckled softly. "Sorry, but I had to lighten the mood a bit. This relationship we have or are could have has started out with two things against it. One, you've never even thought about being with a woman. And two, something terrible happened to me and you blame yourself. We've got a long road to haul if we are going to make this work as any more then friendship. I'll leave it up to you. I think you know how I feel about it."

Slowly, Eva lay back down on the pillows. Her eyes closed. Olivia could tell that she was exhausted. It had taken all her strength to last this long. It had been a bit selfish on her part but the talk was one that she had needed. Perspective was something hard to come by when all you saw was the very worst in people.

But the woman lying in the bed across from her was the polar opposite of all those things. True, Olivia had never thought of being with a woman. But seeing her at the bar the first night had stirred up feelings she had never known before. Was it so farfetched that she could find happiness with another woman?

All the detective knew now was that she wanted something more than she ever had in her life. There were few things in this world worth fighting for. Happiness was one of them. Though it broke all the rules, she was now in a relationship with a victim. If things got out about this before the case was solved, she could lose her badge. Somehow watching Eva sleep made that fact just go away with everything else bad.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia paced back and forth. Her day had gone a little better then had the past few weeks. One case at least had been solved. It was all mired in family secrets and abuse. That abuse had lead to one sister hiding from her past and another not wanting to face her past and get the justice that was needed for both. Luckily, the detective had managed to talk the living sister into testifying against her own father.

There were still no leads on the case that meant the most to Liv. It frustrated her that every time she had seen Eva in the hospital or talked to her on the phone she had to tell her that she had to say no new leads. The bastard was still out there on the streets and possibly hurting another innocent woman. She wasn't sure what was more frustrating whether she had no news for her new friend or that he was still out there on the loose.

That was part of why she now was pacing back and forth to the front door of Eva's apartment building. It had been two days since the school teacher had been released and this was the first time that she had managed to get the courage to make it this far. Why was it so different then seeing her in the hospital? Why was it so different when she had, on their second meeting, brought her back to her place?

The detective knew the answer to that one. When it was her apartment, it was on her own terms and in familiar surroundings. When at the hospital, it was a public place and they were not alone. Plus, she was doing her job by checking on how her victim was doing. That was callous in a way but it was her way of rationalizing things. This visit was the next step in their relationship and she wasn't sure if she were ready for it.

Finally, Olivia smiled to herself at how selfish she was being. There was someone inside that needed her and not just in a professional manner. If she were ever going to let someone in and try to have a real relationship this was the time. All she had to do was take one step at a time. So the detective walked the twenty steps up to the front door. She buzzed Eva's apartment. Without even asking who it was, the door was opened for her.

Liv made quick work of the stairs and found the door to the apartment slightly open. Instantly, her heart skipped a beat as her first thoughts were that something was wrong. Instinctively her gun was drawn and she approached the apartment slowly, listening for any sounds. There were faint sounds of movement toward the door. Olivia peered through the crack and saw nothing. Slowly, she opened the door and looked around.

A scream made her point her gun toward the hallway that appeared to lead to the living room. Standing there was Eva in a robe and night clothes. "I'm so sorry." Quickly, the detective put her gun away. "When you didn't ask who it was and then I saw the door open I guess my cop instincts took over for me." Without thinking, she rushed over to Eva and pulled her into a tight embrace. "Can you ever forgive me?" She stepped back to see that her girl was still shaking slightly.

"As soon as my heart starts beating once again." Eva saw the scared look on Olivia's face. It was a comforting feeling knowing that Liv's feelings were already growing that strong towards her. Or was that just wishful thinking on her part. "It's all right. I think we are both a bit edgy after what happened to me. Plus, you have the experience of finding things in a not so good way. In a way, I'm actually flattered you pulled your gun for me."

Olivia finally laughed. She had been so stressed the past couple weeks at work. It seemed each case was more disturbing then the last. Of course, she also wanted more than anything to be able to give her girl some kind of reassurance. "You should be. We haven't only had one date and I'm already pulling my gun out for you." Both laughed this time. "So, now that I've scared you, how are you feeling?"

Eva shrugged her shoulders and winced at the pain it caused her. "Physically I'm healing, so say the doctors. Emotionally, well, it's hard. I hate just sitting around the apartment with nothing to do all day. I know my body needs healing but I just want to get on with my life. I miss my kids. They've always been able to help me through hard times." She looked at Olivia who seemed to hang on her every move and every word. "Why don't we go into the living room and get a bit more comfortable."

Liv followed the school teacher into a tiny little room. It had two chairs, a love seat, a television, and a stereo. That was it. Eva probably couldn't afford too much on a school teacher's salary. "Nice place. I love the color scheme. Did you decorate it all by yourself?" It was just nervous conversation items now. Olivia could feel her pulse racing a bit as Eva had a seat on the love seat.

"Join me?" That made the detective swallow hard. "I don't bite. Well, I do if you want me to." That brought out a nervous laugh from Liv. But it also pushed her into sitting next to the school teacher. "I'd say we have better things to talk about than just how I decorated my tiny apartment. I think we have to talk about something else."

"I think so too." Olivia took Eva's hand in her own. "I was so nervous about coming up here. I swear I feel like I'm back in middle school again where I know who I have a crush on but I'm too scared to do anything about it. It's not like I passed you a note in class and hope that your students don't see it."

Eva smiled and it warmed Olivia's heart. "So you do have a sense of humor. I find that attractive in a woman." The detective shifted her wait nervously. "Relax. I'm just saying that I understand what you are going through. The first time you approach another woman in a bar is the scariest thing. Yet, as it turns out, it's just like if you were approaching a guy. You may go down on strikes but at least you go out swinging."

"Baseball now is it?" Olivia relaxed a bit. This whole new emotion that she never felt before swept over her as Eva leaned her head on her shoulder. "I know you understand where I'm coming from. You even know my biggest secret. And I find that a comforting thought that someone I care so much about can share in all of my life, not just what I think I can let them in on."

"So, you finally said you care for me." Eva sat up and looked into Olivia's amazing eyes. "Oh I always had it figured out that you cared for me and a great deal. Your every action has told me that. It was just nice hearing, that's all. And by the way, I'm starting to have strong feelings for you too."

That statement nearly made Olivia's heart swell up and burst. She had never met anyone like Eva before. There was an innocence about her and yet it was like she was this wise and all knowing person. Eva had already shown a generous side that few people had. Was she this lucky to have found a person that made her this happy?

Before she knew what she was doing, Olivia had pulled Eva closer to her. Only for a moment did she hesitate. Gently, knowing that Eva was still in a bit of pain from the attack, Liv leaned in and kissed her on the lips. The school teacher parted her lips and invited her tongue inside. Their passionate kiss lasted for several minutes before both had to come up for air.

Olivia gently caressed Eva's still bruised cheek. "I'm sorry that this happened to you and I'm sorry that I can't give you the peace of mind that you need. What I'm not sorry for is having stopped into that bar and having met you. You are giving me a reason to get out of bed rather than the ugly one of just wanting to get creeps off the street. It's only been a few weeks but already you are giving my life real meaning."

No more words were shared for the rest of the evening as Olivia and Eva either just held each other tight or they allowed for a passionate kiss or two. Part of the detective wanted more already from Eva. But she knew it was too soon for anything more physical. One, Eva had to recover fully from her attack. Two, she wanted to take things slow and see if the two really were meant to be together.


	5. Chapter 5

AN I see a lot of hits on my story. Thanks for reading. I hope you are enjoying. And not to sound like I'm begging, but any kind of feedback whether positive or negative would be nice. Again, thanks and enjoy.

Olivia had a buzz going on. It was like she had been on some kind of drug the past few days. Even with the darkness of work, she was feeling the best she had in her entire life. For the first time, she felt a physical and emotional connection to someone and it only scared her a little. What scared her the most was the thought of losing someone so special in her life. In her line of work, she knew exactly how easily that could happen.

The detective was humming as she made her way down the front steps to Eva's apartment building. She had spent the past three nights there. The two had continued to talk and get to know one another. And Olivia had helped take care of the slowly healing bumps and bruises from the rape. Her one wish was that she could also take away the emotional scaring inside of the kind teacher. On more than one occasion, Eva had spent a few hours in Liv's arms crying.

As she was about to get to her car, she noticed Stabler leaning against the hood. There was a worried look on his face. "Good morning Elliot." She made her way to stand in front of him. "So, any news on the case? Who do you think is the one that left Jazmin there to die?"

"I'm not betting on anyone just yet." Stabler moved closer to his partner. "That's not why I'm here and you know it." Liv turned her back on her so called partner. "You've been here for three straight nights. Someone is going to find out about this. And then you are going to be in a lot of trouble. Plus, any evidence that you find in her case could be tainted if it gets out about your relationship. You know how defense attorney's love to claim setup."

"I know all that." Olivia turned back around. "I'm being careful. Do you even care that I'm happy for once? Or is it only all right that you have Kathy?" She shoved past her partner. "We're late for the briefing with the captain. I suggest separate cars. I might just say something I can't take back."

The rest of the day seemed to drag on forever. The detective knew in her heart that her partner was just looking out for her. And she had known all along that getting involved with a victim could potentially cost her her badge. But wasn't she entitled to a bit of happiness like the rest of the world? Elliot was happy with his wife and family. Why was it so wrong that she had found someone that she felt she could be with and for a long time?

One good thing about the day was that they had found the murderess. Unfortunately, it had stemmed from a former victim going bad. One could not blame her for wanting to hold on to the one thing she thought she could not live without. But how far did one go to hold on to something you probably shouldn't have in the first place?

Olivia knew exactly how far she was willing to go. That was why after everyone else had left, she found herself standing in the captain's office. "Can I talk to you about something? It has to do with a personal matter."

Cragen looked over at his detective. His eyes barely left the file he was looking at. He sighed heavily. "If you're here to tell me about you and Eva it's a little too late for that." Their eyes locked for a moment.

"Stabler!" Olivia was immediately pissed off. What right did he have of coming to the captain? It was her responsibility to do what she needed to. "Look, I don't know what he's told you…"

The captain cut her off. "It doesn't matter what the details are. You've gone and made a mess out of this. If internal affairs gets hold of this your badge will be gone. You might even have to deal with some kind of witness tampering. Things aren't looking too good for you right now. My suggestion, go home and think about what's more important. Your job or your love life."

Cragen's tone of voice said it all. Olivia knew that she had been dismissed. Though part of her was very angry with Elliot, she knew that he was just trying to watch out for her. The thing was that she was a grown woman and she could take care of herself. If it came down to it, she would gladly give up her badge. But first, she had to talk to Eva about everything.

Olivia sat on the little love seat that was their place for snuggling. Eva was in the kitchen making them both something to eat. Part of her felt guilty that she wasn't more of a help in the kitchen but her girl said that she loved to cook. The thoughts that were running around in the detective's mind were confusing. But as the young school teacher entered the room with a dinner tray, one thing cleared up instantly.

"So, we have soup and grilled cheese." Olivia smiled as even she could have made that herself. "Sorry my culinary skills weren't put to good use but it seems that someone has been a bit lax on going to the store. I'll remedy that while you are at work tomorrow. I promise to go out only in the daytime and stick to familiar places." She sat down next to her amazing woman.

"It's great." Olivia had a weak smile on her face. She took a bite of the soup and realized that it was homemade. Quite lucky was she to have found this amazing girl. It made her decision all the more easy. "I have to talk to you about something."

"Uh oh." Eva put down her spoon and sat back on the couch. "I know that tone already. I've heard it way too many times." She took Liv's hand in her own. "Whatever it is, we can deal with it. Just don't shut me out."

"That's the last thing I want to do." Olivia brought her hand up and kissed it. "It's just that things at work have gotten worse. And I don't mean by one of my cases, either. It seems my faithful partner Elliot has gone to my captain about us. Of course, I was anyways. But the fact of the matter, regardless of who was first to talk, is that I'm going to be investigated by internal affairs. Any kind of outside relationship is a no-no with victims or witnesses. You are both so…"

"So I make things that much worse for you." Eva looked Olivia directly in the eyes. "Look, you know that I have these strong feelings for you. And I would love to continue to see where things go from here. But if this is going to cost you your job, I won't stand in your way if you want to cool things until things are worked out with your job."

"You are an amazing woman." Olivia could actually feel herself tearing up. She swallowed hard to keep the tears from falling. "I love and hate my job at the same time. Am I making a difference in the world? I hope so. If I can't do this would I be lost? A little, at first. But what I'm not going to do is throw away the first real relationship in my life. If I have to lose my job and find something else, then so be it."

"It means a lot you saying that." Eva looked away for a moment before returning her gaze to Olivia. "But I'm worried about one thing. What happens if you do lose your job? You probably won't be as happy in any kind of work besides what you are doing. That makes me wonder, if that were to happen, how would that affect you and me? Would you start treating me different because you thought that I was the reason that you were forced to give up your job?"

Olivia thought carefully before she responded. There was a bit of truth in what Eva said. Without even realizing it, she could very well blame her girlfriend for having to give up the one thing that had meant so much to her for so long. But what meant more to her? Liv smiled big. "Look, that's not going to happen. My job has meant a lot to me, maybe too much. But what I'm building with you means more then I can say. So if it comes down to my job or you I'll pick you every time."

Eva stood up and took Olivia's hand in her own. "You are an amazing woman in your own right. Not many people would be willing to give up all that you are just to stay with the woman you cared so much about." Slowly, she started leading Liv toward to bedroom. "If we are careful, I think it's time I showed you just how much I care for you."

Olivia let herself be lead to a place of true pleasure. This was the first time for the detective to be with someone that she truly knew she loved and not just cared about. And it hit her hard the thoughts and emotions going through her head. Olivia Benson was in love for the very first time in her life and was about to make love to someone for the very first time. It frightened her but it also excited her. This was one time she was going to love losing control.


	6. Chapter 6

AN Thanks so much for reading. I appreciated the kind words. As always, I hope you continue to read and enjoy.

"How could you not tell me?" Olivia turned Stabler around in his chair. His knowing eyes seemed to twinkle at her which pissed her off even more. "I know I had to be careful when it came to this case but don't you think I had the right to know when another rape turned up with the same MO and DNA?"

Stabler turned himself back around and finished writing on the report he was making out. "Look, Liv, I did this for you. And I also did it because the captain wanted you as far from the case as possible. There are two reasons. One, he didn't want to lose his best detective and two he didn't want the case getting thrown out because you have a relationship with the first victim."

Olivia slowly made her way and sat across from her partner. "So I take it you'll be handling all the witness statements and the testifying?" Elliot only nodded. "Won't that look a little funny to the defense if one of the lead detectives on cases that are linked is left out of the loop almost entirely on the second one?"

"Look, we got the two perps." Stabler's phone rang. "I thought you'd be happy you can give your girlfriend a little bit of peace of mind." He turned his back on her. "Got it. I'll be right there." He turned back to his partner. "The ADA wants me to get these reports to her right away. We'll talk later about the connection between the prostitutes and the supposed housewife."

"Yeah, we will. And other things." Stabler eyed her as he put his coat on and took his notes with him. It frustrated her to no end that finally Eva could have the resolution and they had failed to keep her in the loop. Part of her understood but at the same time she would have loved to know who the bastards were.

As she picked up her phone to call her school teacher, Cragen stepped out of his office. "Liv, in my office now." Sighing heavily, she put the phone back down and slowly made her way into her boss' office. "I think your partner saved you this time. He's done the work that both of you should be doing. And it's taking away from this latest mystery. I hope next time you use better judgment."

"Look, Captain, I know that in a way I screwed up." Olivia approached his desk. "But in my defense, you can't always choose who you are going to fall for. I tried to stay away but something kept drawing me back. Will I do it again? I hope not. I hope I found someone I can be with. Why am I getting all the flack?"

"Think about it." The captain crossed his arms over his chest. "If this gets out any further then it has, we could lose two counts of rape against these guys. We might not even be able to get them for assault and battery depending on which attorney these dirt bags hire. So yes, you are the escape goat for the moment." Olivia sighed. She felt so defeated. She turned to go without another word. "Look, Olivia, I can understand where you are coming from. And I wish you two all the luck in the world."

"Thanks, Captain." Olivia smiled weakly. His words had been meant as comfort but they felt so hollow. If she were the one that caused these two creeps to go free, she didn't know what she was going to do. First, she was going to call Eva to let her know. Second, she was going to throw herself in her work. It was what she was best suited for.

It was nearly seven now and Olivia was spent. They had been out early to the crime scene and she needed to go home and relax. Of course, she wouldn't be going to her home but that of Eva's once again. That was when the ADA approached her desk. "Can I help you with something?" The detective tried to smile. But the look on her face said it all.

"I hope you are happy." Lisa shoved a folder in her face. "Because of your late night gallantries with the first victim, the case against the two bastards has been thrown out. When I told them you had nothing to do with the collecting of evidence with the second victim, the judge said it didn't matter. You are partners with the lead detective on the second victim and therefore could have had influence on your partner's testimony."

"That's bullshit." Olivia opened up the file. "How the hell did they get these?" To her dismay and total disgust there were pictures of the detective arriving at and leaving Eva's apartment. There were even pictures of her in the window. All the pictures were dated and time stamped. "I can't believe you let them enter this as evidence."

"Don't lay this on me." Lisa grabbed the folder back out of her hand. "I'm tired of the screw ups. I'm turning this evidence over to Internal Affairs. I suggest you get yourself some kind of representation. You're going to need it if I have anything to say about it." With that, the attorney stormed off.

Liv's head was aching as she knocked softly on Eva's apartment door. There was no answer so she let herself in with the key that she had been given. "Eva? Are you here?" Again, there was no answer. It was well past eight now and she was beginning to get worried about her girl. The detective tore through every room. Finally, on the refrigerator was a note that said 'at my mom's. Will be back at eight'. That didn't alleviate the tremendous worry that she was experiencing.

Finally, at about quarter to eleven, Olivia heard a key in the door. She rushed out to the entry way to find Eva carrying three grocery bags. "You should have buzzed up." Quickly, the detective took the three bags from her. "I would have helped you carry them up the stairs. I know you are feeling a lot better but you still have to take it easy."

"That's not what you were saying last night." Eva smiled as Olivia blushed a bit. The smile quickly faded as she saw the pained look on the detective's face. "All right, I know I was a lot later then I said I was going to be. Mom had some friends over and I stayed to help her clean up the mess. That's it, I swear. I know I should have called. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you." Her eyes were once again full of mischief.

It brought a bit of a smile on Olivia's face. Absentmindedly, Liv began taking care of the groceries. "I have some bad news to tell you. I didn't want to call you with it this time." She turned around from the refrigerator to face her girlfriend. "I told you they got the guys that did this to you. What I found out just before I left work was that because of me, they are getting off scot free. Not just in your case, but also the case of the other woman. These two are out there free to rape and hurt again. And by the looks of it, they are escalating and the next crime scene I go to that they are responsible for will involve a dead body."

Eva quickly made her way to Olivia and wrapped her arms around her. "It's all right. It's not your fault. It's my fault. Had I left you alone and waited until after the case was solved this probably wouldn't have happened. I feel worse for the other victim. She's now going to be terrified until something is done about these creeps."

"There's more. I'm now officially being investigated by Internal Affairs. It appears more likely that I will lose my badge." Sighing heavily, she tightened her grip on Eva. The intoxicating smell of her shampoo was amazing. But it was different than the one that she usually used. "If it were up to me, I'd get those bastards and make sure that they never did this again to anyone else."

"Don't get yourself into anymore trouble." Eva pulled back a bit. Her eyes were so pleading that in an instant, Liv's heart had melted. "I need you here with me now more than ever. After all, Monday I go back to work. I'd hate to have to come back to this apartment and find it all empty without a strong and wise police officer there to protect me."

"I think that can be arranged." Olivia kissed Eva with a passion. She felt her hands wandering all over the tantalizing curves of her girl. Soon, they found themselves in the bedroom locked away in a heavenly state. The two were ceasing to be two separate individuals and becoming one. It was the greatest feeling in the world.

Olivia heard the chirping of her cell phone. She glanced at the clock. It was four in the morning. A call like this could only be bad news. Sure enough, it was Stabler on the other end. They had their latest case. This time it was a revenge killing. The two perps that had kidnapped and raped Eva were lying dead in the park. Both their genitals had been removed. It appeared while they were still alive. It had happened sometime between ten and eleven. Liv looked over at the still sleeping teacher. Even though she loved her, there was a part of her that wondered where exactly had Eva been that evening?


	7. Chapter 7

AN Usually I don't update so soon when leaving a cliffhanger but I'm addicted to writing this story right now. And I've had positive feedback and several more hits. That equals more chapters sooner for you. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy.

Olivia sat outside the Internal Affairs office. She had been given the weekend off. That was all right with her. There were several things that the detective needed to think about both professionally and personally. The biggest question was what she was going to do about what she knew about Eva. And all she really knew was what her girl had told her.

The young detective hadn't taken it upon herself to question Eva. The weekend they spent together hadn't been as nice as the previous few weeks. The teacher asked her several times what was the matter. All Olivia could do was tell her that she was consumed with the latest case and the fact that she was going before the review board on Monday morning.

So far, that had satisfied her girlfriend. But it was tearing Liv up inside. One thing she had vowed to herself when she had entered into this relationship was to be completely honest with Eva. To an extent, she was being honest. But not completely like she would love to be. How did one go about asking the one you loved if you murdered someone? Her only other option would have been to contact Eva's mother. But that too would have been awkward and gotten her into more trouble then she already was in.

The detective took a sip of her coffee as the waiting was turning into a nightmare. Benson was so engrossed in her own thoughts that she didn't hear Elliot come up beside her. "So, has the torture begun?" Olivia literally jumped, spilling some of her coffee. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. You all right?"

"Been better." Stabler sat next to his partner. "It's torture waiting to find out what kind of questions they are going to ask." She sighed and looked her partner in the eyes. "I never planned this. I never meant to hurt anyone. And I certainly didn't want those creeps to be killed in such a manner. I just wanted justice for everyone."

"I know." Elliot took her hand in his. "I shouldn't be telling you this, but we found some evidence that is pointing to Eva. I have to ask you, do you know where she was between ten and eleven that night?"

Olivia leaned her head back and closed her eyes. Another giant sigh escaped her. "I can't lie to you, even to protect the one I love. I got to her place a little after eight. There was a note saying she was at her mom's and she should be home by eight. But she never showed until quarter to eleven. She had been grocery shopping. That much I know. Other than that, I never asked her if she were really at her mom's or not. I couldn't bring myself to just in case."

"I understand." Elliot squeezed his partner's hand before quickly letting go. "If it involved Kathy or one of my kids, I'm not sure what I would do to protect them. Even for something as serious as murder. I guess right now is the best time for honesty." He stood up quickly as they heard the door knob turning. "The evidence could just be transfer from the rape. I'll keep investigating for you."

"Olivia Benson, they are ready for you now." A man in a suit pointed her in the door. "This shouldn't take too long. Have you got your representative?"

"I'm fine on my own." Olivia watched Stabler walking down the hall. She wasn't truly alone in all of this. Elliot would do almost anything to help her out. The captain would be there for her as much as he could. And she had Eva. Well, at least for now she had her.

()()()()()()

It had taken longer than she thought it would with Internal Affairs. They had kept asking her the same questions over and over again. Mostly they were about her relationship with Eva and how well she and Stabler got along. There was one thing that was funny. They also asked her about the other detectives in the unit. It was almost like the whole unit was under investigation and not just her.

It was around five in the afternoon. This had been Eva's first day back to class. In her heart, she knew she should be with the teacher instead of sitting in her own apartment with a bottle of scotch in one hand and a glass in the other. The detective hadn't really touched alcohol since she had begun the relationship with Eva. But things were different now. There were too many questions and not enough answers.

The hours flew by and before she knew it darkness had overtaken the day. Though it was still before ten, she had decided that bed was the place for her to be. Before she could even let sleep overcome her, there was a pounding at the door. Groggily, she made her way to the door. "Who is it?"

"It's me, Liv." The teacher's normally soft and gentle voice was full of anger and venom. "Let me in." The detective complied, though a bit unwillingly. "You couldn't tell me yourself?" Olivia crinkled her face into a question mark. "They came to my school and in front of a bunch of first graders took me away in handcuffs. It was only for questioning, or so they said. Your partner is a piece of work. He almost had me admitting to something I didn't do!"

"That's his job." Olivia returned to her bed and slumped down. She could hear the footfalls of Eva following her. "Look, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I didn't find out anything until just before I saw the review board. And they had me in there until four. After that, I needed to unwind and knew you wouldn't be home for a bit. I guess I got carried away and lost track of time."

"You mean you got plastered and forgot all about me." Olivia quickly sat up. "I was hanging in the wind all by myself. I wasn't for sure if I needed a lawyer or not. By the sounds of it I do." Liv tried to reach out to her but she turned her back on her. "I'm wondering where we stand if you can't even be there for me when I'm going through something this serious."

"Excuse me?" Olivia sat straight up like a shot. "I was there for you the entire time after you were assaulted. I was there for you even when I knew it could cost me my job. Could I have given you a head's up about them coming to question you? Probably. But how would that look on my record? Not only am I consorting with a witness and now possible suspect but I'm tipping her off. I want to be there for you. I want to believe in you. But you have to believe in me as well. And not just think of yourself."

"Oh, so now I'm being selfish?" Eva shook her head fiercely. "I was thinking of you and me together. That's why I'm so upset you just left me to hang. And why couldn't you be there tonight? Even if I hadn't been hauled in, it was still my first day back. I would have assumed that you would have cared enough to call and ask me how my day went. I don't think I'm being the selfish one here."

Olivia carefully stood up as the effects of the alcohol were still strong in her mind. "I'm not in the best shape to be talking. I've had way too much to drink. One thing I can say for certain is that I'm sorry I didn't call you. I guess I felt the same when you didn't call me the other night. I was worried about you. I was today, too. I just let myself get caught up in all that I'm going through. I'm new to this relationship thing."

"Maybe you'll never get used to it." Eva backed away from Olivia. "I've known a few women like you. First, you fight the fact that you attracted to women by sleeping around with lots of guys. Then, you let yourself actually feel something and it scares you to death. Eventually, they all return to their old habits and can't change. You'll either be with many guys or many women before too long. And I'll just be another notch in your bedpost."

Before Olivia could stop herself, she had slapped Eva. "I'm sorry." She tried to come close enough to hug her, but the teacher ran to the door of the apartment. The blond stood there with her hand on her cheek. "I didn't mean to. It's just that it hurts that you think so little of me that you would say I can't love anyone." Tears were flowing down her cheeks. "I believe in you and me. Even if you killed those two creeps, which I don't think you did, I would stand by you." Her smile was weak and her eyes were pleading.

"I don't know." Eva opened the door. "I don't know anymore who you are. Maybe we took things too fast. Now it's hurting you, me and our relationship. I need time to think. Most of all, I need someone I can trust. I need someone who will be there for me no matter what. Your words are pretty but actions speak louder than words. I'm sorry, Liv, but I have to be careful right now. My freedom is on the line and so is my heart. I have to handle both with kid gloves. I hope you can understand that and give me the time I need to sort this all out." Before she left, she couldn't resist leaning in and giving Olivia a big passionate kiss. "One thing is for sure, I'll always love you no matter how things turn out." With that, she turned and ran out the door.

Olivia fell hard against the door. Tears were now at a freefall. She slid down the door and began convulsing she was crying so hard. In her heart she knew it was best that she give Eva the time that she needed. Hell, she needed time to sort things out as well. It would figure that the first real relationship she had with someone would get so messed up and so quickly. Her whole life was messed up. It had been since she had been born. This was one of those days when she wished her mother had either elected not to have her or given her away. But things were the way they were and she would have to deal with them. Hopefully better than she ever had in her life.


	8. Chapter 8

AN Thanks for the exceptionally nice reviews. It helps in wanting to keep up with my latest story. I hope you continue to enjoy.

Olivia sat at the bar, sipping on a glass of wine. Since her breakup with Eva, the detective had had nothing stronger then a beer or wine. In her heart she knew that was part of the reason that they had broken up. The other parts, she was still not so clear on. All she knew was that she seemed lost without Eva in her life. So, she came here every night at the same time and stayed for three hours.

It was their bar that she was sitting in. It was foolish to think that Eva would come here so soon after the breakup. But there was this big part of her that just wanted any kind of connection with the woman that she loved. The thought of seeing her was all that was keeping her going at the moment.

It had been two weeks since she had stood before the review board. It had been two weeks since her heart had been broken. Liv didn't even have her job to throw herself into. Internal Affairs had decided that no real wrong had been committed but that she was too close to crossing over a line and needed time to think about things. So they had given her two weeks off with pay. In just two days she would be back on the streets trying to make them a bit safer.

Stabler had been by a few times to check on her and keep her up to date on some of their pending cases. There were no new big cases at the moment but every one of them was important. If she didn't have her job and she didn't have Eva she had nothing, was nothing. They were what made her who she was.

Liv took another sip of wine as she tried to block out the fight in her mind once again. Her hand shook a bit as she could still feel the sting of the slap she had landed on Eva's face. It was a form of abuse and she had vowed to stop all those animals out there that took it upon themselves to beat their spouses. So what if they had both had emotional days it was no excuse for what she had done.

"Can I buy you another?" Olivia turned to see a fairly attractive redhead smiling nervously at her. Part of her was tempted to strike up a conversation and to see where it would lead. But that was going back to her old pattern and she refused to do that. "I saw you sitting here by yourself and thought you could use some company."

"No thanks." The detective smiled weakly at her. "You see, I just came here to unwind. One of those days. I'm not looking for any kind of company." She could see the deflated look on the young woman's face. "It's not you, it's me. I'm still in love with my ex and not even close to wanting anything but a night out on my own."

"Oh." It was all the young woman managed as she slinked away. Part of Olivia felt sorry for her. It had taken up a lot of nerve to come over and talk to her. But the detective had to be honest with herself and that was that she wanted nothing more than to be with the school teacher that had so quickly stolen her heart.

But she knew that was not going to happen, at least not for a very long time. Eva had made it clear that they both needed time to sort out their emotions and to see if this was even the kind of relationship that they both wanted. It hadn't taken Olivia long to realize just what she was missing by not having Eva in her life. Hopefully things would be able to work themselves out and in a very short amount of time.

Unknown to Olivia was the fact that she was being watched. Eva had also been coming to the bar almost every night. She too had hoped for just a glimpse of the detective. There were few nights when she had been disappointed. There was nothing more the school teacher wanted than to go over and just throw herself into the arms of the woman she loved.

But that was not going to happen. The teacher put down a ten dollar bill on the bar and turned quickly to go home. Her mind was racing with so many things. The one thing that stood out in her mind was what her therapist had told her. Both she and Olivia needed time to make sure this was really what they both wanted. The two had been thrown together in incredible circumstances. Were they sure that it was real and not just something grown from something so emotional?

It was difficult doing the right thing. Her mind kept telling her one thing while her heart told her another. But her mind was winning this battle. It was not for fear of getting hurt this time. After having witnessed on more than one occasion Olivia turning down the advances of another woman she knew that the detective was trying to be true to her even after having been broken up. The reason her mind was winning was so that she could deal with things.

After having replayed the events of the night of the breakup in her mind thousands of times she had realized how she had overreacted. The teacher saw her pushing Olivia to the point where she now didn't blame her for the slap. Eva had used the intimate details that the detective had shared with her all to hurt her as much as she felt she had been hurt.

The only one that had hurt her in the past few weeks was those two creeps that had kidnapped and raped her. That had been as much a physical as emotional rape. Eva had not realized just how deep it had affected her. The pain and the scars and the what ifs were so deep that at the moment she could not see where they started and the truth began.

Her only good news the past few weeks was that someone else had been found guilty of murdering the two monsters. She was now free and clear. But she would never be free and clear of what they had done to her. The truth was that having gone through something so painful and emotionally scarring she would never be free of it. But she could learn to deal with it one day at a time.

What would help was someone to go through all the pain with her. Or at the very least for someone to be there and support her no matter what. Olivia for a moment had chosen not to. And in reflection she could understand why the detective had distanced herself. But watching her in that bar she knew that Olivia was no longer distancing herself. In fact, she was trying to get closer without actual contact.

In her head she could hear her therapist's words saying both needed time and space and to not let your emotions get the better of you. But the school teacher could no longer hold herself in check. She turned around on a dime and ran back to the bar. To her disappointment, Olivia had already gone home.

Slowly, she dragged herself back to her place. As she opened the door, she could hear soft music playing. Instantly, she reached into her purse and had the mace that Olivia had given her. Holding it in front of her, she slowly inched into the living room. She dropped the can and stood there with her mouth open wide.

"Hey." Olivia smiled nervously at her. "I'm sorry to have come here after only two weeks. I know we said that we both need time and all that but something has been missing in my life since we've been apart. I've had trouble really functioning. I don't know what I would have done had I actually had to think about work. I came here to apologize once again for not being there for you when I should have been. I was being selfish. I promise never to do that again."

It took a moment for the shock of seeing her girl standing before her to fade. "You're sorry?" Eva quickly made her way to stand in front of Olivia. She took the detective's hands in her own. "I'm sorry. I can't say I was being selfish so much as I was being overprotective of myself. My therapist says that I was deflecting my feelings of the rape onto you. I don't think I ever really allowed myself to deal with what happened. I just kept going as if nothing really happened except that I had met you. I still have a long way to go before I'm half me again. But with patience and time I can get there."

"I want to be there every step of the way." Olivia pulled her into a hug. She could feel tears welling up inside. "My job is still lousy and has terrible hours so I might not be there for you when you truly need me, at least not in person. But I'll be there with you every single day in thought. You've never been out of my mind since we broke up. And if you need me to, I'll go to therapy with you and see how I can help you deal. Maybe I need to so that I can deal with the fact that I was the reason you were raped."

Eva had many tears streaming down her cheeks. Olivia gently wiped each one away. "I do love you. And I'm sorry that I overreacted the way I did. Now that we know that there is work to be done for both of us we can be better people and better together. I just don't ever want to be without you. Two weeks has been too long."

"I agree." Olivia slowly led Eva to the couch. "I seem to remember many nights of us just snuggling her on the couch. Would you care to join me?" The teacher's response was to sit down next to her and wrap her arms around the detective. The two sat in mostly silence the rest of the night. But when they woke up, they were once again in each others' arms. Hopefully, it was to stay.


	9. Chapter 9

AN Thanks for the kind words and reading. I hope you keep enjoying this as much as I am writing it.

Olivia sat in the dark watching the raindrops stream down the bedroom window. It was not her own bedroom she was in but rather the one that she now shared with Eva. The detective had moved a few of her things to their shared place. But she was not quite ready to give up her own space and apartment. There was a bit of thunder that forced her to look at the window once again. The raindrops falling on the window reminded her of tears. And those tears that must have been shed by little Ryan.

The latest case had been difficult because it had put in danger an innocent man. Though he had been a pedophile, he had not deserved to be shot in the manner he had been. And now a mother had lost her son and her husband in so short a time span. These were the cases that drove the detective nuts, especially when she found out that the reason Ryan had been killed all to keep him from screaming about his lost glasses.

Eva shuddered in her sleep and Olivia wrapped herself tighter around her. It was not only to comfort her girl but to also comfort herself. How she had done it all these years alone, Liv was not sure. Having someone in your life made all the difference in the world. An empty apartment was a nightmare to go back to after such a hard day. She knew she was very lucky to have been given a second chance at happiness.

"Don't!" Eva screamed shattering the deep silence of the night. "I don't want to party with you!" Her body started convulsing in the detective's arms. "You can't make me. Please, don't hurt me." Suddenly, the school teacher had pushed her out of bed. "I told you not to touch me." Now there was just constant screaming, shaking and crying.

"Eva, sweetie, wake up." Olivia had jumped back in bed and was trying to get her girl to wake up. "It's only a nightmare. Please, come back to me." Liv tried to put her hand on her shoulder but found it was just shoved away. "Eva, it's me Liv. I'm here for you no matter what. Please wake up."

"NO!" One last shout and Eva sat straight up in bed. She was now covered in sweat and crying still uncontrollably. Olivia had her arms around her in an instant. "I…" Words were not coming very easily to the young woman. "I think…" She turned and looked her girl in the eyes. "I think I'm starting to remember."

"It's all right." Olivia held her so tight she was nearly suffocating the other woman. "It's going to be hard and painful I realize but you have to deal with things." She sighed heavily. "Sorry, don't mean to tell you what to do. You just had me really scared there. You wouldn't even let me touch you. You kept pushing me away."

"I'm sorry." Eva's face was tear stained. "I didn't mean to. All I could do was see those two creeps and hear them and… and…" The tears were once again at a free fall. "I could actually feel them again inside of me. Why do I have to remember? It's so hard and painful. I don't want to have to go through that again."

"I never want you to again." Olivia kissed the top of her head and began rocking her in her arms. "But there are things in life that we can't handle unless we talk about them. I'd love for you to be able to tell me what happened. If not, please tell your therapist. One way or another I hope that you won't keep it bottled up inside. I've seen what happens when you do that."

Eva pulled back a bit and looked into those loving eyes of her girlfriend's. There was more than just the pain that Olivia was experiencing for her. There was also the pain that the detective had to deal with all her life. "Your mother." Liv nodded. "She never did come to terms with the rape, did she?"

"No." Olivia sighed and smiled sadly. "I think that I was a constant reminder of what she went through. I know that she loved me, in her own way, but I also felt rejected a lot. And when she wouldn't talk to me about certain things, well, it's frustrating to say the least. I just wanted answers and she refused to give them to me. All because she never faced her own past."

"I'm not going to do that." Eva sniffed hard trying to keep the tears from falling. "I promise you that I will continue to get the help I need. And when I'm ready, I'll share with you everything that I went through. Right now, I'm still blocking some of it. I can tell by how choppy my memories are. One moment I'm one place the next somewhere else. Though I won't dwell on it I won't keep myself from remembering everything."

"That's good." Olivia's sad smile turned into one of pride. "You seemed to be handling things better. I'm not sure how I would handle things. One thing I do know is that I'd be lucky to have you in my life. I never realized how much more filling one's life can be with someone to share it with. Someone you love and care for and admire. It makes all the difference in the world."

"If you weren't in my life, I'm not so sure I'd be able to deal with everything." Eva leaned in and kissed Liv on the lips. "You give me this strength. It's almost like you keep me from going off the deep end of life. You are the strongest person I know. You have to deal with so many emotions in your line of work. And then, you have to go home and deal with the emotions it stirs up in you. I don't know how you do it."

"That's easy, I have you." Their lips collided with a sudden hunger and need. Liv's tongue forced her way in. She explored her girl's mouth and took pleasure in the dance they were sharing. For just a moment, the detective pulled back. "I've never loved any one the way that I do you. You plain and simply make me whole."

The rest of the night was quite a pleasure trove for both young women. They took delights in pleasuring the other. It was a long cold stormy night, perfect for making love over and over again. And each others' arms, they felt safe. They felt satisfied. But most of all, they felt the love that everyone in the world craves.

()()()()()()

"You're in a cheery mood." Olivia smiled at Munch. "Seems the long nights of fall are agreeing with a certain someone. And I won't say anything more." The detective turned back to his paperwork.

That was when Stabler walked in. The look on his face was familiar to Liv. It mean that he wasn't happy with the news he was about to share. "Olivia, we need to talk. Privately." After giving him a curious look, she followed him into one of the interrogation rooms. "We have a problem with the murder of those two creeps."

"Which two creeps?" Olivia sat down. "There are so many in the world these days."

"The ones that raped your girlfriend." Suddenly, Olivia felt like she was going to be sick. She knew by her partner's tone of voice that things were not good for Eva. "It seems it wasn't a one woman effort to kill them. In fact, the woman who was convicted is now making a deal. She's saying that Eva was in on it."

"What?" Olivia's head was swimming now. Just when they had gotten past all that, there was going to be a new investigation. Or worse, there wouldn't be one and Eva would be convicted on the words of a psycho. "How can they do that now? She's already been sentenced. Isn't it a little late for deals?"

"Apparently not." Stabler came up and put his hand on the back of her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't want you to hear about this from someone else. You might want to give your girl a head's up. They are going to arrest her tonight. I don't know what this will do to your career if Internal Affairs gets a hold of it."

"Screw them." Olivia stood up and stormed out of the room. Without knocking, she entered the captain's office. "I guess you know why I'm here." She pulled out her badge and her gun. "I can't take it anymore. We keep offering creeps deals so that they get off light and bring someone not as big down with them. This time, I'm not going to let that happen."

"Sit down." Olivia refused, instead crossing her arms over her chest. "Fine then stand. I wanted you to know this. When the case was dismissed last month it was not because the ADA felt that Eva was innocent. Instead, it was because of a lack of direct evidence. You might want to go home and talk to your girl. Don't quit just yet." He shoved her badge and gun back at her. "You're too good for me to lose."

Liv stood there for a moment before taking back her things. Her mind was racing once again. Eva didn't seem like the type that could take that kind of revenge. Even after listening to her suffering through it again last night, it didn't seem possible. But there were two things that stood out in the detective's mind. One, she wasn't sure how long Eva was at her mother's that night. And two, she couldn't help but remember the different smelling shampoo that her girl had. The lover in her said it was nothing. But the detective said it could be something more. There was only one way to find out. She was going to have to ask. Hopefully, she would like the answers she got.


	10. Chapter 10

AN Hope you're still enjoying. Haven't had many cookies (reviews) of late but plenty of hits. Thanks for reading and I hope liking. To my one and only still love you the mostest.

Olivia paced back and forth outside of Eva's classroom. It was only a few minutes until her class went to lunch. That would give the detective time to give her girlfriend a head's up on what was happening now. Why did this have to happen now? Not that any time was good to have to face possible prison time. But her girl was finally getting the help she needed to deal with the effects of the rape.

Life was so unfair most of the time. It seemed that the rich had their way with the world why the poor struggled to make ends meet. The rich could afford the fancy cars and the fancy lawyers. Most people in Eva's position were lucky to a competent lawyer from legal aid. But the detective knew a few former ADA's and would see if they would help out. In fact, she should have done that before coming here.

But her sole thoughts were to give Eva the warning she needed to deal with things. Luckily, she had called in a favor and her girl was not going to be arrested until after school was released this time. It was bad enough facing these ridiculous charges but to have been taken away in handcuffs in front of her very young students was the real icing on the cake.

Finally, the bell rang and the detective stood towards the wall to get out of the way of the milling youngsters. She waited to make sure the class was clear before she knocked on the door. That sweet voice called out for her to come in. Soon that voice would not be so sweet. Liv forced a smile as she walked in. "Hey. Are you free for a bit?"

"Well, class is at lunch. I have about half an hour. We can't go anywhere but I can buy you a lousy cafeteria lunch if you want." When Olivia's face turned a bit darker, Eva knew something was wrong. "I see that this isn't just a social call." She swallowed hard and sat down at her desk. "Something has come up at work, hasn't it?"

"You could say that." Olivia made her way and sat on the front edge of the desk. "Listen, there's been a development in the case regarding the murder of the two guys that raped you." The detective hesitated a moment trying to search for the right words. "I was given a heads up thankfully. My partner tells me that, although the jury convicted the woman, she's now trying to strike a deal to lighten her sentence." Again, there was a moment of hesitation. "She's trying to say that you were somehow involved."

"What?" Eva's face paled so much that she looked like the ghost from Christmas past. "I don't believe it." In an instant, tears were falling down her face. "I just…" She was sobbing so that it was hard for her to continue. "I just started to remember the rape, now I have to come up with an alibi for the night two assholes were murdered."

The way she said that in an instant caught Olivia's attention. Leave it to the detective in her to hear what most people would miss. "That was what I wanted to talk to you about, well, other than be the bearer of bad news. I believe you with all my heart, you know this. But, and it's a big but here, other's don't know you the way I do. I can't even give you solid alibi for the night. I would lie for you but I've already told Stabler and the review board what happened that night. I hate this." There was ferociousness in her voice.

Eva looked up at her lover and smiled the weakest of smiles. "You shouldn't lie for me, no matter what. As much as your word would have helped me, I don't ever want to put you in a bad situation. Well, other than the one I already have put you in. I know my alibi isn't the strongest but I really was at my mother's until after eight. I think I left around eight thirty because she said one of her shows was half over. I then went to the market where I stood in line for what seemed like forever. Wait, I also had to stop at the ATM on Fourth Street. I'm not sure what time though."

"This is good." Olivia took the teacher's hand in her own. "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but all these things can be verified. The ATM will definitely have surveillance tapes and if not you kept your receipt. Even if you paid cash at the store, there probably was some kind of security there too. We'll just have to get the ADA to subpoena them and then you can be cleared, once and for all."

"Do you think it is all that easy and simple?" Eva's tone was practically begging for Olivia to say that everything was going to be all right. But how could the detective realistically say that when she wasn't sure if she knew the whole story just yet. What her girl said was good if true, but what if it wasn't?

"I'm sure it will all work out." Olivia leaned down and kissed her girlfriend gently on the lips. "Now, you have to get back to teaching. I'll be back here when they come to get you. Till then, try not to worry too much. The kids can sense when things are wrong. And remember, I'll stand by you no matter what happens. I love you."

Just then, the bell signaling the end of lunch rang. "Thanks for everything. I love you too." The two would have shared another kiss, but the kids were already piling in. "I'll see you later." Her smile was weak for she knew that things could go so wrong and so fast for her. If only…

It was only an hour later and Olivia again was doing something she wasn't supposed to be. First, she had handed over the information that Eva had given to her to Elliot. She knew that, if anyone at the station, he would be the fairest in handling the whole situation. But her gut was telling her that she needed to find out things for herself. Ever a woman of her word, she would stick by Eva through thick and thin.

"Are you sure?" It was the third time that she had asked the manager of the grocery store that Eva had said she had done her shopping. Already the detective had been to the bank and there was no record of the transaction at the approximate time. Had she asked about anyone specific, she could have gotten into big trouble.

"I'm telling you that I've never seen that woman in my life." The slightly older man was busy stocking shelves. "Of course, you see what I'm doing and I'm the manager. I have to fill in wherever is needed when someone calls off. The past two weeks my stocker, Jennifer, has called off and I've been stuck here. No overtime is allowed except by me. If only I'd listened to my mother…"

Olivia sighed heavily. "Are you telling me you were in the back of the store most of the night?"

"Exactly." The manager started to walk to another aisle. "Look, we do have cameras pointed at the doors and the registers. When I get a warrant I will produce the tapes for you. Right now, I'm too busy. I'm sorry."

"Thanks for your time." Olivia turned to go when she ran into a familiar looking young woman. It was the red head from the bar. "Sorry. Wasn't watching where I was going." She smiled politely and tried to move past her.

There was a beaming smile on the young woman's face. "That's all right. It was fun bumping into you again. Perhaps we can do it again sometime." There was a look of pure wanting on the young woman's face.

"Sorry, but I don't thinks so." Olivia again smiled and tried to get past her. "Not to be rude, but I do have to get somewhere. I'm sorry that I'm not interested, but I've gotten back with my ex. And I'm a one woman kind of woman. So I thank you for the flattery of wanting to go out but I'm not available."

"Right now you're not." The redhead almost had an evil grin on her face. There was this creep factor that was just pouring off from her. "Perhaps someday you will be. And then, it will be my pleasure to take you out to dinner sometime. Just keep me in mind. The name is Allison."

Instead of trying to explain further that she would not be interested any time soon, the detective felt it best to just appease her a bit. "I'll keep that in mind, Allison." Finally, the redhead allowed her to pass. The detective side of her was again sounding off an alarm. There was just something far too unusual about the other woman. Had she more time and was not trying to help Eva out she might just find out what was setting her gut off. But she had more important things to do. How little she knew that her priorities in this case may not be as right as she thought.


	11. Chapter 11

AN Mmmm, those cookies sure tasted good. Thanks for the kind words. Thanks, as always, for reading. I hope you enjoy were this story goes.

"It'll be all right." Olivia tried to smile reassuringly but her confidence barely disguised how worried she really felt. There were far too many times when she had been on the end investigating just crimes and knew that innocent people had gone to prison, all because one criminal wanted a more lenient sentence. "I got you a good attorney. Don't say anything until he gets there."

"I won't." Eva also tried to mask the way that she felt. But the way things had gone for her the past few weeks, it was hard not to be worried about spending the rest of your life in prison. There was the far worse fate which could be handed down, depending on the judge. But she had to try and stay positive. After all, she had one of the best detectives in New York working on her side. And she knew that Olivia would be especially motivated in this case. Hopefully, not too motivated.

It was hard to just stand there and watch as Eva was lead down the hall where they locked up all the creeps. Liv had put in a word with the guards but she knew how much danger that someone that looked as good and naïve as her would have to deal with. It was eating her up inside that she could not do more for her girl.

"Liv." Stabler's voice broke her from her thoughts. He motioned for her to join him. They sat opposite one another as they did most of the time when they weren't out on a case. "I know this isn't easy for you but I've got some good news. The bank does have a transaction on her account that night. Problem is it's at about a half hour before she says it was supposed to be."

"That's good." Olivia perked up a bit. "There's no way she would have time to get to the ATM and to the park where those two cretons were found." Her smile faded a bit as she saw the look on her partner's face. "There's more though." Elliot wouldn't look at her. "Come on. We've been partners for how long. Give it to me straight."

Finally, Stabler managed to look her straight in the eyes. "Well, the grocery is another thing. Maybe she went to another store. Maybe it was at a different time then she said. Apparently she paid cash and so there's no way to trace her transaction that way. Munch is still looking at the security tapes that were sent over. It'll take some time. They aren't exactly in order."

"Great." Olivia sighed heavily. "If it isn't one thing it's another." The phone rang. Quickly, the detective picked it up. She was expecting a call from a potential witness on their latest case. "Allison?" Elliot looked over at her. She shook her head. "I told you that I'm not interested at the moment and probably won't ever be. It's flattering, but I think you need to stop calling me, especially at work." With that, she hung up the phone.

"Allison?" Stabler raised his eyebrows. "Already moving on are we?"

"Not funny." Again, a heavy sigh escaped the young detective. "It's a girl that tried to pick me up in a bar when Eva and I broke up. Let's just say she's not one to take no for an answer. I can handle it. Right now, I just need to concentrate on this case and try and help Eva without actually helping her. What I don't need is more trouble with IA."

"Nobody needs that." Munch walked up to their desk. "I should be telling the ADA this first but I thought you should know. I found a snapshot of Eva on the tapes. Turns out that, though her time is off a bit, she was there. And there was no way that she could have enough time to have committed these crimes. Sit tight and by the morning she should be free to go."

"Thanks, Munch." Olivia relaxed a bit. At least one thing in her life was going right. But the thought of Eva having to spend the night in jail just gave her the creeps. Hopefully the ADA would be able to act on the new evidence and get Eva home sometime during the night. Till she knew that her girl was safe at home, she was staying at the station.

Of course, she had a little bit of ulterior motive. The detective was waiting for a bit of information she was not supposed to be looking into. But with all that had happened with Eva, she could not help but try and find out who was the man that raped her mother all those years ago. To find out would most likely mean she had found her father and gain some kind of closure on the situation.

It was four hours later when a hand was on her shoulder. Olivia jumped, she was frightened from her sleep. "Relax, it's just me." Eva stood there, radiant as ever. Though, she did look a bit worse for having spent so many hours in lockup. "Well, I'm free to go. The charges haven't been officially dropped yet as they are doing some follow up investigating. They want to know how the woman knew me. I'd really like to know myself."

Olivia stretched groggily. "Who knows with the way some lawyers are these days. They'll stoop to any means, even jury manipulation. They probably somehow got a hold of your file. The system is far from perfect, I hate to say." She took Eva's hand in her own. "You look like you could us a drink. Care to join me?"

"Sure." Eva smiled a little brighter. "And I think I know exactly where we should go." As always, the two ended up in their bar. The two sat back in the corner. "Not sure how many of these I should have. I do have class tomorrow. And before you say I should call in sick, I missed too many days this year. Besides, you know I love to teach. It's a kind of therapy for me."

"I envy you that." Olivia smiled. "My work isn't exactly therapeutic. In fact, a lot of good cops can't handle what the SVU handles every day. I've seen more than one person lose it because of all the hate and craziness we see every day. Even I've come close a time or two. But I have far too much to lose now."

"You're too sweet." Eva took a sip of her white wine. "You know, I think this would taste much better if we were alone and in bed." The school teacher wriggled her eyebrows. "What do you say, detective, shall we call it a night?"

"I say I like the way you think, lady." It didn't take long for the two young lovers to make it from the bar to Eva's place. The two finished off a bottle of wine and snuggled on the couch. Of course, one thing lead to another and before long they were wrapped in each other's arms and in a place of pure bliss.

Neither one had been paying attention to their surroundings. Had they been, they would have seen a familiar looking young woman watching them from the pay phone. For the hour and a half they had been at the bar, she had been like a statue just watching them. Of course, there was much more than just watching them. There was a hatred forming for the school teacher.

The redhead had been able to follow them out of the bar unnoticed. She had also followed them home. The vixen had gone so far as to climb the fire escape and was now perched outside the bedroom window. Her blood was boiling as she watched them make love. It would not do at all for them to be together. The longer they stayed together, the harder it would be to drive them apart.

Before either could see her, Allison snuck back down the fire escape. Her mind was racing as she walked to her car. There had to be something that could drive the two love birds apart. After all, it wouldn't take much for Olivia to see how much they were meant for one another. All she had to do was take her time and make the detective see the truth.

Suddenly, a plan blossomed in her head. It was just the beginning, but she could start the seeds of doubt in the one she loved. Before too long, Olivia Benson would be hers. The teacher was not good enough. There was no way that she could handle a woman of the caliber as the amazing one. Only she was good enough to handle her.

Olivia stretched just before opening the door. It had been a short but glorious night. There definitely was something to be said about being in love and being able to wake up in the arms of the woman you cared for more than anything in the world. The nightmare was hopefully coming to an end. But not soon enough as far as either of them was concerned.

The detective caught a familiar scent of perfume in the air as she opened the door. She almost tripped on the beautiful dozen roses that were sitting on the threshold. Quickly, she picked them up. Her first thought was a bit of jealousy. The card slipped out and she picked it up. It was signed from another woman.

Liv blinked hard for a moment. She brought the flowers inside and put them in the kitchen. Her gut told her one thing but she had to know for sure. "Hey, Sweetie, do you know a Cathy?" Part of her was ready to be angry. But a bigger part was just ready to chalk it up to wrong door at night.

"No, why?" Eva came around the corner from the bedroom. She saw the dozen roses and went pale. "I swear I don't know anyone named Cathy besides one six year old. And I really don't think she can afford them."

"I figured as much." Olivia wrapped herself around her girl. "Somebody just put these at the wrong door, that's all. I'll put them in water before I go. I love you." She made a mental note of the florist.

"Love you too." Eva reached up and kissed her. "I'll see you tonight unless your case gets too crazy."

"Yeah. I'll call if I can't make it." Olivia returned the kiss before leaving. Before she went to work, she stopped by the florist. He recalled her perfectly as she was his only customer of the night. The description he gave fit Allison to a tee. It was time that the detective did more than just tell her know. It was time she did a bit of a background check on her. Who knows what she was going to find out.


	12. Chapter 12

AN Thanks for all the support I've received. I know, I sound like a broken record. But if there weren't readers, I wouldn't be a true writer. Hope you keep enjoying. And any feedback, comments, or suggestions are fully welcomed.

Olivia was torn at the moment. Part of her wanted to be happy that Eva had been cleared. But part of her wanted to know why that the one convicted had accused the school teacher of having something to do with the heinous crime. There was the other ever present problem she was experiencing. How had she gotten herself a stalker?

Being new to a relationship had her wondering how exactly she should go about handling it. There were so many ways to deal with these things. A restraining order would be one. But the detective had seen so many creeps just walk right through those, usually using the one they supposedly loved for a punching bag again. Talking to Allison seemed to do no good.

Sighing heavily, she finished the report on the latest case. It hit a little too close to home at first. They had thought that the young man had been killed because he was gay. Turns out it was a rapist out on parole messing with his drunken younger brother. It had been a tragedy no matter how you looked at it. The younger brother had just been trying to be good. But sometimes, people won't let you be who you really are.

"A penny for your thoughts." Stabler sat across from his partner. He wasn't sure what was going through her mind. Liv was dealing with so many things. It could be that she finally found the best possible perp that had raped her mother several years ago. It could be that she wasn't sure that Eva wasn't going to somehow yet be held accountable for something she hadn't done. Or it could be because she had an overzealous fan.

Olivia looked up and smiled sadly. It was getting close to quitting time, unless another call came in. She wished she could just be happy that she was going to get to spend a quiet evening and hopefully weekend with Eva. But Allison was taking over much of her thoughts these days. "Just a problem I'm not so sure on how to handle."

"You know you can tell me anything." Elliot stood and made his way over and sat on the edge of her desk. "I might not be an expert on everything but I am a good listener. Maybe all you need is to bounce your thoughts off from someone. Of course, if I were you, I'd be talking to a certain young blond about things. It's always best to be honest in a relationship."

"Yeah, I know." Olivia looked up from the paper work. "It's just that I'm not sure exactly what to say. All I know is that I've had two encounters with Allison that gave me the creeps. She's called me here and on my cell phone. I'd still like to know how she got that number. Then, there was the incident with the flowers. I have no actual proof only the florist's description of the person that bought the flowers. What do I say?"

Elliot stood up and stretched. He went back to his desk and picked up his jacket. Slowly, he put it on. After grabbing his gear, he turned back to look at her. "Just what I've said all along. You have to be honest with her or you stand a good chance of losing her. If you two are meant to be, you'll get through anything. Including someone that wants to drive you two apart. So, go home and talk to her."

"Thanks, Elliot. I think I will." Olivia still had some reservations but she knew that it was her only chance. It didn't take long to get to her apartment. Before she went to Eva's she wanted to shower and change. It would be nice to get the smell of work off from her before she went to her lover's apartment.

As she was toweling off, she heard a noise out in the living room. Quickly, she threw on a robe and found her gun. Ever the vigilant detective, she took it everywhere that she went, especially when alone in the apartment. Carefully and quietly she made her way into the living room. Standing there so innocent like was the last person she wanted to see.

"Well, Olivia, you do look good enough to eat." Allison started slowly for the detective. Olivia instinctively held her gun up. "Now, now. There is no need for that. I'm just here to make you feel better. You've been working hard and need a way to relax. Trust me when I say I'm very qualified to do that."

"I'm sure you are." Liv steadied herself with the gun and slowly made her way to the telephone. "But you see I have other plans for the night. In fact, I have other plans for the rest of my life." She picked up the phone and dialed 911. "I'd like to report an intruder. I'm detective Olivia Benson." She gave her address and badge number. "I'll stay on the line till they get here."

"There's no need for the police." Allison started for the detective who held the gun even steadier on her. "I was let in by the old couple down the hall. They've seen me here before and thought you'd like it if I waited inside instead of out in the cold. Just relax and tell them you are making a big mistake." There was a threatening manner about her now.

Olivia just stood there with the gun pointed at the young woman. Part of her felt sorry for her but the other part knew that she needed help and would not get any if she was just left to roam the streets freely. "Yes, I'm still here. Do I know the intruder? We met a couple times on the street. She's been calling me nonstop and harassing me at work." That was when there was a pounding on the door. "It's open."

Two male police officers entered. When they saw Olivia with her gun drawn, they too drew theirs. "What exactly is the problem, Ma'am?"

"I was taking a shower." Olivia hated to give these statements but she had no choice now. "When I got out, I heard a noise. Allison was standing here. And yes, I know her but only in passing. She tried to pick me up at a bar and I turned her down. She has made contact on a couple other occasions and now tricked one of my neighbors into letting her in here. I want to press charges and file for a restraining order."

The larger of the two officers made it over to Allison and put her in handcuffs. There was venom in her eyes as she looked at Olivia. "You'll have to come to the station and fill out a report. Of course, you know the drill."

"Yeah, I do." Olivia watched as the two officers dragged a struggling Allison out the door. Her anger filled eyes never left Liv's. It was one of those looks that could kill. Sighing heavily, the detective quickly got dressed. On the way to the station, she called Eva and told her she was going to be late and would explain everything when she got home.

Several hours later, Olivia let herself in Eva's apartment. It was clear that the teacher had been crying. In an instant, she had engulfed her girl in a hug and was kissing the top of her head. "What's wrong? Did something happen while I was gone?" Liv gently rocked her in her arms to assure her everything was going to be all right.

"I…" Eva sniffed as she tried to gather herself. "I saw you with that woman." Tears were at a freefall now. "You were in your robe and she was standing there. I could tell that she wanted you. Now you've been gone for how many hours? Did you think I wouldn't make heads or tails of the situation?"

Olivia pulled back and forced Eva to look her directly in the eyes. "This is what I wanted to explain to you. It seems I have a stalker." The school teacher's eyes grew a bit bigger as if she weren't sure she could believer her. "I actually got out of work on time. My first thought was to come straight here. But I wanted to get the day washed off from me and change so that I could look good enough for you. When I got out of the shower, I heard a noise. It was Allison. She had gotten a neighbor to let her in. Had you stuck around, you would have seen me pointing a gun at her and calling 911. I was at the station the last few hours filing an intruder report and also filing for a restraining order."

"Really?" There was an innocent weakness about her. It about crushed Olivia to think that she had hurt her in this way.

"Really." Olivia again kissed her on the forehead. "I should have told you last week about it. Remember the flower incident?" Eva nodded. "Well, I'm pretty sure it was her trying to break us up. I have no real proof as of yet and I might not be granted the restraining order. So far, she has kept her distance and kept things legal. The worse she has done is call me several times at work and on my cell phone. But at least I have it on record now. Do you believe me?"

Eva finally managed a real smile. "Of course I do. I don't think I really believed you were cheating on me. It just hurt like hell when I was trying to surprise you to find you in a robe and another woman in your apartment. I should have stayed and asked what was going on. After all, she could have been just family. Though, I know you have no other siblings."

"I'm glad you didn't stay." Eva pulled back and looked at her questioningly. "Well, when dealing with someone that is a possible stalker, they aren't mentally stable in the first place. So, who knows what she would have done if she'd seen what in her eyes is the competition. They found no weapon on her but still…"

"Yeah." Eva snuggled closer into Olivia's chest. "All I can say is I'm glad that you took some action. But what I'm happier about is that you were honest with me. I just wish you would have said something sooner. We have got to be honest with one another. Even when we're not sure the other one will like what we have to say."

"I know." Liv kissed her deeply. "Let's forget this for now and order in. Then we can spend the rest of the evening in bed."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again." There was a twinkle in Eva's eyes. "I do love the way that you think, lady."

()()()()()()

Across town, in a dark alley not too far from the police station a woman stood shivering in the cold. A man approached her and she closed the gap between them and quickly. "How could you have let her off?"

The man just shook his head. "They had video tape evidence. It's hard to argue with that. If you still want me to go through with it, I'm sure that I can find something else to pin on her. There are so many crimes in New York you know."

"Yeah, I know." The woman turned to go. She hesitated a moment. "I want you to get whatever you can on Eva. She needs to know that she can't leave me like she did. If I can't have her, no one ever will." With that, the woman stopped shivering and instead was warmed by the hatred that was growing every day inside of her.


	13. Chapter 13

AN-I hope you don't mind all the intrigue I have going on. I like these two together but I also am known as the queen of cliffhangers. So, as long as you want more I'll keep updating as often as I can. Thanks for the cookies. Nummy, as always.

The past few weeks had been extremely stressful for both Olivia and the young teacher. Things were starting to look up finally as the detective was granted her restraining order against Allison. There had not been a peep out of her since the judge had ruled against her. Things also seemed to have gone away in the murder of Eva's rapists.

All in all, things were going quite smoothly. Olivia had just wrapped up a case involving a corrupt judge. He had actually exchanged sexual favors and money for either lighter sentences or no jail time at all. It made the detective cringe that there were those out there that had no morals or let their morals big corrupt by what they saw every day.

She herself had crossed the line a few times and come very close to crossing it on other occasions. But since she had met Eva, things had changed for her. Yes, getting the bad guys and putting them away were still very important to her. Trying to keep the streets safe for everyone was one of her top priorities. But it was not her top priority anymore.

That was why she had taken the weekend off. The two were driving to the country to spend a couple nights at a little bed and breakfast. It had been a long time since Liv had actually taken time off from work. It had consumed her for so long that it was almost all she had. Every day she was more and more grateful that Eva had come into her life and at the perfect moment it seemed.

"A penny for your thoughts." Eva sat in the passenger seat. It had been a quiet ten or fifteen minutes. Part of the teacher was worried that Olivia's head was back on a case. The teacher knew that in the past the detective would get taken over by a case and would not let anything get in her way in finding out the truth. Hopefully she was slowly learning to let go.

"Just you and me and a weekend alone." Olivia smiled sweetly at her. "Well, that's not exactly true. I was also thinking how much we've been through already." The detective kept her eyes on the road. "Most couples don't go through what we have in a lifetime. But then, I think it's helped bring us closer together."

"There is that old saying." Eva leaned her head on Liv's shoulder. "What doesn't hurt you only makes you stronger. I think that I was blocking some of the things I've gone through in the past. Not that I would want taking getting raped to do it, but I really needed to look at myself and my past. There is one thing I'm not so proud of. It happened when I was just nineteen."

"Oh?" Olivia's curiosity was now highly peeked. "Now do tell what the naughty teacher has been up to." She tried to keep her tone light, even though she could tell that what Eva was about to share with her was extremely sensitive and troubling. She wanted her girl to know that she could tell her anything.

"It's one part of my past I don't like talking about." Eva sat up and looked out the window absentmindedly as if she were being taken back to another time. "You see, it was the start of my second year of college. I was still deciding on my major. I knew I wanted to be some kind of teacher, I just wasn't sure what age I wanted. I went to the counselor's office to see if they could help me decide. And that's when I met her."

"Her?" Olivia was now more than curious, she was partly jealous. This was sounding like a first love kind of story. And though she knew that Eva had a past, just as the detective did, it was difficult now to think of the teacher with anyone but her. They just seemed to be meant for each other. Or was it just her imagination?

"Yes, her." Eva turned and looked at Liv. She smiled a bit as she could see that the green eyed monster was starting to take over. It felt good that the detective cared that much about her to be jealous of something that happened so long ago. "Janice was an undergraduate working toward her degree as a family counselor. She worked weekends in the administrative offices to help ends meet and to get a little practical experience." The teacher's gaze returned back into space. Instantly, she was transported to the wonderful and yet painful time in her past.

"Go on. I'm still listening intently." Olivia prodded gently. She didn't want to force Eva into anything but she could tell that it was something that she wanted to get off her chest. It would be good for their relationship since the detective was still learning all there was to know about her girl. Of course, Eva did not know of some of her dark secrets either. Some day she would know everything.

"This was just as I was discovering that I was attracted to other women." Eva smiled a bit. "When I look back on my high school days, I see how much of a crush I had on my gym teacher. Back to Janice, well, she was already out and proud about it. Never to be the shy one, she asked me on a date after our little counseling session. At first, I said no. But about two weeks later I called her up and asked her out."

"So, you were a little vixen even back then." Liv smiled as Eva gently smacked her on the arm. "Well, you were the one that asked me out the first time. So, I'd say things haven't changed that much for you." But the detective knew that the story that her lover was telling her had happened a lifetime ago.

"I think we've both changed. Even just in the past few months, we both have." Eva smiled a sad smile. It was hard to go through but the things in life you deal with are what make you who you are in the end. "Back then it was something for me. I had always played it coy and let the guy ask me out. I guess I just got a bit more brave. Of course, I was curious about how things were going to go. She was my first girlfriend, if you really can call her that."

"OK, now you have me really intrigued." Olivia slowed down as they were going through the one horse town that the inn was located just on the outside of. "We'll be there soon so you better finish the story. I'm dying to find out what happened on your first date." It was a bit more playful teasing but also she was extremely interested in how things ended for Eva.

The school teacher settled into her seat and continued. "Well, our first date was the cliché movie and a dinner. We went Dutch. That was it for that one. But over the next several weeks we kept seeing each other. And, well, we were intimate. It seemed that's all there was to our relationship. We hardly went out. We didn't hang with any of our friends. After awhile I said to myself that there is more to life and a relationship than sex. So, I wrote Janice a dear Jane letter. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made."

"Why?" Olivia put the car in park as they had arrived. "Don't tell me she didn't handle things well. Is she your Allison?" The mere mention of the woman's name left a bitter taste in her mouth. But she had to face it that the deranged woman was a part of her life and she would have to be careful of her for the rest of her life."

"Worse." Eva looked Olivia in the eyes. "She actually attacked me verbally in front of one of my classes. She called me every name under the sun. Any time that I tried to move on with another woman, she somehow found out about it and made them think I was cheating. It was horrible. Finally, after my sophomore year, I transferred to here in New York. At first, I thought she had followed me. I'd get these strange calls in the middle of the night. But they stopped suddenly and I figure she either moved or found someone else to obsess about."

The detective chuckled softly. "This is a dark secret about you? I don't think so. Is it a bad part of your past? Definitely. You did nothing wrong. The only thing that you might have done differently was tell her in person. But from the sounds of it you were better off not facing her in person. You are so sweet that you think you did something horrible. You cared for someone and had a relationship. When you felt you needed more then what was in it for you, you decided to move on. I think more people should be like you. I think you care almost too much."

Eva shrugged. "I don't think of it like that. I just hate the thought that Janice was hurt so badly that she became obsessed with me. I cared for her, but I realized it was my first real physical relationship. I'll always be grateful for it but I need more. I always wanted to be in a real relationship. Maybe with kids and a dog someday, but at the very least something more than just sex."

Olivia was shocked for a moment. Kids? A dog? Was Eva talking about their relationship? It was a bigger step than the detective was ready for. But she could tell that Eva wasn't exactly jumping at that big a step either. But it was nice to know what the teacher wanted some day. And the more that Liv thought about it, the more she liked it. "You've taught me exactly how much it means to have a real relationship. And I love you more every day. Now, let's go get checked in and relax for the weekend."

"I'll follow you." The two spent a glorious weekend. There was no worry about the outside world or what it had in store for them. All it was was a weekend that the people needed to get to know one another, inside and out. It was a release of stress and it was about being with the one you loved. Sometimes, that was all that life offered. And it was the greatest gift of all.


	14. Chapter 14

AN Here's another chapter. Hope you enjoy. Still got some ideas going so I'll keep chugging away. Thanks for any comments. Much appreciated.

It had been a weekend of purely bliss for the detective and the teacher. The two had spent almost every waking moment together. Of course, they had been in each other's arms as the sun sank low each night. It was hard to get back in the swing of things. But in Olivia's case, there was always a slap of reality in the face. The next gruesome case had already begun.

But she was not about to let that get in her way. The detective would focus all her energy on the cases she was investigating until it was time to go home. Then, all of her energy would be on one person and on making their relationship stronger. It had already grown by leaps and bounds just by being able to spend a few hours of uninterrupted alone time together. Eva had confided a few things. Liv on the other hand was still a bit guarded.

That was something she planned on rectifying this evening. It was Saturday night, a week removed from their first day of aloness. Already she had forgotten the case that she and Elliot were working on. Already was she on to things that were just plain and simply more important. That was why she was lighting candles and placing the takeout on plates. After all, it was her night to cook.

Eva walked into the apartment. Immediately, Liv could see the exhaustion on her lover's face. The school teacher had volunteered for a fundraising fair and it had been more then she had realized it was going to be. All she had thought about on the way home was slipping into a bath and then into the arms of the woman she loved. But that all changed when she saw the surprise waiting for her.

Olivia walked over and took all of Eva's things. Gently, she kissed her hello and took her hand. "I guess I should have realized how tired you'd be after having to run around with all those kids today." She smiled a bit nervously as she led her to the kitchen. "I just didn't want last weekend to end I guess. I wanted to show you how much I care and appreciate all you do for me."

It was Eva's turn to smile. Only her smile was radiant. "I know what you mean." She sat in the chair that Liv offered her. "I am a bit tired. But I'm also starving. I don't think I realized just how much till I walked in and smelled this wonderful dinner you, err, cooked for me." They both chuckled at that one. "So, no special occasion other than you want to have your way with me?"

The detective shook her head. "There's that naughty school teacher once again. But seriously, I just thought that we shouldn't just have one special weekend a month. I know I work crazy hours and all but I thought we could try at least once a week to sit down and have a meal together. Not that I don't enjoy the other time that we spend together."

"I know you do." Olivia's cheeks turned a nice shade of pink. Eva loved how she could still embarrass the detective whom had seen so much in her life. "Though spending time together and being romantic is the theme of the evening, why is it that I sense that there is more to it than just a simple evening alone?"

Olivia smiled a bit sheepishly. "Am I that transparent?" Eva smiled coyly at her. "I know I am with you. I guess I got to thinking about last weekend. And not just the making love part either because I know where your mind is going to go with that. You shared a bit of your past with me. I figured I owed it to you to share a bit more."

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to." Eva took Liv's hand in hers. "The only reason I told you was that with all that's happened with your stalker you would need to know that I understand. I was on the same end as you once upon a time. It's not easy to go through especially when you are trying to go through it alone. But we have each other. And that means everything in the world."

"I agree." Liv turned from her girl for a moment. "And I appreciate you letting me in on a part of your past. But I also wanted to let you in on a part of mine that I'm not so proud of. You see, I was quite the party girl in college. My mother, well, she's a functioning alcoholic. I always thought that was the way you were supposed to be. So, I drank and had a good time."

"We learn from our parents' mistakes." Eva smiled a bit sadly. "We have to learn to become our own people. What you did or didn't do in the past just makes you who you are today. I think someone else told me that. A very wise person that I truly admire and love a lot once told me that. But please, continue with your story."

Liv swallowed hard. "I partied way too hard one night. And when I woke up, there were several guys in my dorm room. I couldn't tell you, to this day, who any of them were. All I knew was that it had gone too far, my partying. I knew I'd have to make some changes if I were going to be a good person and make a difference like I'd always planned on. It was shortly thereafter that I decided I would become a cop."

"And what a cute cop you are." When Olivia shot her a look of playful warning, Eva quickly put up her hands in surrender. "Sorry, officer, I was just trying to lighten the mood. I know you are being very serious right now and you are sharing a deep part of your past. For that, I am eternally grateful. So please, do continue."

Olivia got an absentminded look on her face. "It wasn't until about six weeks later that I realized the consequences of my actions." Her face grew dim as if it was almost too painful to remember. "I went to the college clinic and had the procedure done anonymously. I wasn't even able to tell my mother what happened." She turned and looked Eva straight in the eyes. "You're the first person that I've told. I mean, I hinted at a scare or two. But I've never actually told anyone…"

Eva got up and quickly engulfed Olivia in a hug. From where she had sat, the teacher had not been able to see the faint little lines of tears that had rolled down her girls' cheek. "You didn't have to tell me this." She kissed her gently on the forehead. "Am I glad that you are sharing? Of course I am. But this is something painful. I think even more painful than being a product of rape because this actually happened to you. Yes, it was your decision but it was still not an easy one. And you went through it alone."

"But I'm not now." Liv pulled her onto her lap. "That is the thing that I'm most grateful for now. Whatever it is in life that I have to go through whether it be a lousy case or a tragedy, I won't ever have to go through it alone. You and I will always be there for each other. We've shown we can be in the short time we've been together." More tears were strolling down the detective's face.

The school teacher reached out and wiped those tears from her cheeks. "You really have changed since we met. And I'm not just talking about going from guys to women. I'm talking about how you never seemed to let anyone in. You were guarded with everyone you knew. Now, you are slowly letting things go. And I'm honored that you want it to be me that you are sharing things with."

Liv kissed her girl with a passion that neither had known before. It seemed there was something to the sharing thing that the detective had never experienced before. Being truly intimate with someone wasn't about making love. It was about being honest and telling them your deepest darkest secrets. It was letting them know that you trusted them with your life.

Finally, both had to come up for air. "I really never thought I could find someone that I wanted to share everything with. I may sound like a broken record but I'm the luckiest person in the world. I finally get what Elliot has been talking about all these years. He and Kathy have a wonderful family but they have each other. And that is what the most important thing in life is. You need someone to be whole."

"You can live your life alone." Eva quickly continued. "But you aren't whole. You are just going through the motions of life. That's not to say single people aren't happy and can't live that way their entire lives. It's just so much more fulfilling when you get to say 'Honey, what should we do tonight' instead of looking around an empty apartment and trying to figure out what to do with yourself."

"I agree, in so many ways." Olivia smiled with a bit of evilness in her eyes. "Now, let's say we leave the dishes for the morning. I think that I owe you a bath and a full body massage. What do you say to that?"

"Lady, I love your way of thinking." The two leaned on each other as they made it to the bathroom. It was another night of intimacy that lay ahead for them. But the most rewarding kind had already happened. They had once again shared a past that was not necessarily something to be ashamed about but something to learn from. And if nothing else, it had made their relationship that much stronger.

()()()()()()()

A pair of binoculars was on the two from the rooftop of the apartment building across from them. There was also a little listening device that had overheard every single intimate detail of their conversation. It would all be used as fodder some day. But not soon enough for the young woman who stood there.

An anger was boiling over inside of her. But she would have her revenge one day on the young couple. For there was no way that she would allow either of them to be happy. After what had been done to her, there was no avoiding the revenge she was about to unleash on them. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.


	15. Chapter 15

AN Sorry for the lack of updates. All sorts of excuses but enough of that. Thanks for reading. Hope you are still enjoying. And to my inspiration, love you always.

The breeze was cool as it gently caressed Olivia's face. The skies were a bit grey and there was the threat of snow later that day. But to her, it was as warm as if the sun shown bright on a July day for she had her arms wrapped around the woman that she loved. The detective's back was against a tree and Eva was pressed firmly into her chest while a soft furry blanket kept the two warm and snug.

It was not the perfect day for a picnic but the two sometimes had so little time together that they wanted to make the most of the time that they did have. Today was an in service day at school and soon the teacher would have to make her way back to her work. Liv also would soon have to be going as she was testifying soon after the lunch break in their latest trial. But for now, both were lost in a world that only contained the two of them.

But Olivia wasn't totally lost in the moment. Something had been setting her gut off the past week or two. She could not put a finger on exactly what was wrong but there was something happening that neither she nor her girl could see. Perhaps the detective was still paranoid after what had happened with Allison. Perhaps not all had been resolved with the case against Eva. Or perhaps she was just looking for trouble when there wasn't any.

Still, she had seen far too much in her lifetime to just be able to relax and totally enjoy the moment. Too many cases had hinged on things from the past coming back to bite a person on the ass. Her track record wasn't clean and Eva had also had a stalker back in college. That was a long time ago but there were cases of revenge that had taken decades. Again, it could just be the detective in her not letting her thoroughly enjoy her few hours with the teacher.

Olivia noticed a figure walking towards the two young lovers. They had a hooded sweatshirt on. Gloves and sunglasses were part of the ensemble the unidentifiable figure was wearing. The dark shades instantly put the short hairs on Liv's neck at full attention. She reached around for her gun but could not find it. The detective put herself in between the figure and the woman that she loved.

"Liv, what are you doing?" When her girlfriend did not answer, the teacher followed her gaze. The unfamiliar figure was now only a few feet from them. The way the person was dressed instantly caught her eye as well. "What are we going to do?" The teacher whispered so softly that even Olivia had trouble hearing her.

The detective stood up and so did Eva. Of course, Liv kept the young woman out of harm's way as best she could. The glint of a gun reflected off from the dark shades. "I don't think you want to do that." Olivia put her hands up. "I'm unarmed and so is my friend. We'll give you whatever it is you want. Please, just don't hurt us."

"That's a joke." There was something familiar about the voice though it was clearly being disguised. "You hurt everyone. Both of you have a great track record when it comes to relationships. Now, I want to save myself and anyone else from further pain. I know of only one way to do that."

Before the detective could react, the gun went off. She felt a searing pain as the bullet entered her right shoulder. The scream from behind her made her take her eyes off from the perp. In an instant, Eva had fallen to the ground. The bullet had gone through Olivia and straight into Eva's neck. There was blood everywhere as it had hit a major artery.

The detective screamed in a pain that she had never felt before. She dropped to her knees and tried to stop the bleeding. But it was already too late as Eva's eyes had glazed over. Too many times Liv had seen that look. It was as if a part of her was dying too. That was when she felt the pain in the back of her head.

Again she felt it and she opened her eyes. Eva was smiling like the devil at her and had a pillow in her hand. Again, the school teacher wapped the detective with her pillow. "I thought it would be a fun way to start the day. I haven't had a pillow fight in years." Again, she began pummeling the detective.

It took Olivia several seconds to recover, not from the hits, but from the dream. It had felt so real. From the pain of the bullet entering her shoulder to the unbearable pain she felt when she realized that Eva had died in her arms. The last part, the pain in her head, it must have been transferred from the wallops she was taking from Eva's pillow.

The detective reached for her own pillow. Soon, she was swinging away at her girl. "So, you want to fight do you? I warn you I'll give even better than I get." A few more blows connected with various parts of the teacher. "I used to be really good at pillow fights. Had a few when I was at college."

"Yes, but you've never had a pillow fight with me." Eva dodged one of Olivia's swings. "I have two things going for me. One, I deal with children every day. There have been a couple pillow fights in my class. Two, you've never had a pillow fight with the one you love. Now, do you really want to hurt me?"

With that, Olivia put her hands up in surrender. "You got me on that one. Even with pillows, I would never want to hurt you." She sat against the headboard of the bed. "You may fire when ready. I'll take whatever it is you dish out. Just as long as you don't ever leave me. That is my one condition."

Eva threw herself next to the detective and put her head on her lap. The school teacher took the detective's hand in her own. "Is there something you want to share with the class?" She waited a few minutes before prodding a little more. "We still are on for the park today as long as you aren't called to testify at that time?"

A bit of a shudder escaped Olivia as the dream, more like nightmare, flashed through her mind once again. But it had only been a dream and it was not a good enough reason to put her life on hold. She squeezed her girl's hand. "It's definitely you and me and a little picnic. Only way you get out of it is if something happens such as the judge not going to lunch on time. You, lady, are stuck with me. Always."

"That's good." Eva smiled as she felt herself wanting to drift off to sleep. The only time she felt truly safe anymore was when the strong arms of her lover were wrapped around her. Her therapy was helping her live her life yet again but it could never make her feel completely safe. The only person who did that was Olivia. "Because I like being stuck with you. Now, why don't we share a shower and a quick breakfast? Then we can meet in the park."

"You're on, lady." Olivia raced to the bathroom, Eva right on her heels. They spent almost too long in the shower and had to hurry to be at work on time. But it had been more than worth it. Any time that they got to spend together was more than worth it. That's what happens when you are in love.

Olivia had thought the judge was going to let the trial go on all day long. She was about fifteen minutes late for their rendezvous but had called to let Eva know that she was going to be there as soon as she could get across town. It had taken longer than she wished and now was finally getting to her girl.

Eva sat wrapped up in a blanket as the chill in the air was more noticeable than it had been in the morning. It meant that a snow storm was likely on its way and that they should enjoy their day before white snowflakes began to fall. It wouldn't be quite as bad as rain or ants on a picnic but the detective wanted things perfect as always.

"Hot coffee?" Olivia set the thermos full of java on the ground before settling in next to her girl. Both took a welcome sip of the bitter but hot liquid. "I figured between me and the coffee you would warm right up." The detective pulled the teacher tight against her body. "It's time for the me part now."

The school teacher chuckled softly as she let herself fall into Olivia's arms. "You are the only thing I need to keep me warm. Just hold me forever and I'll be all right." The two sat there for a bit in silence. "This is what dreams are made of." There was a noticeable shudder from her girl. "What's wrong?" Eva pulled herself away to get a better look at Liv's face. "I sensed something this morning. Now, what's going on?"

Olivia was about to explain everything when a figure crossing the park caught her eye. They were dressed in black jeans, a black hoody, and they were wearing black sunglasses. Her voice caught in her throat as it too closely resembled the dream she had awoken to that morning. Again, her instincts took over and she placed herself between the hooded figure and Eva. "Stay still."

Her fears were realized as once again there was the glint of a gun in the figure's sunglasses. Before Olivia could react, the figure was on top of the two. The barrel of the gun was shoved at her forehead. "Cooperate and nobody gets hurt. You, give me your gun." The fact that this person knew that Liv had a gun told her in an instant this was not a random mugging. She did as she was told. "Now, little missy here is going to get handcuffed to the tree while you and I take a little ride."

Olivia nodded her head. She wasn't sure what was going on. She couldn't tell if the figure was a man or woman. All she knew was that her girl was in trouble. The soft muffled cries were tearing at her heart. But she knew that if she tried anything at this point, she could get them both killed. It was better if Liv went along with the perp.

"That's good." The figure put the gun to Olivia's head. "Move and I shoot her." The detective stood perfectly still as she watched the figure go through Eva's purse. Her cell phone was thrown to the ground at her feet. "If you can get this, you can call for help. If not, I'm sure soon someone will be along." The figure turned back to Olivia. "Now, you and I are going on a little trip. But it won't be where you can send your loved ones postcards. Move!" The figure directed Liv to a black Cadillac. Olivia took a chance and looked back one more time at Eva. The fear that was consuming her now was would it be the last time they saw each other alive?


	16. Chapter 16

AN Sorry for the lack of updates. Hope you don't mind too much the cliffhanger and having to wait. Hope you keep enjoying. Thanks for reading and reviewing.

Drip. Olivia cringed at the sound. Drip. There it went again. Had she or Eva forgotten to fully tighten one of the faucets? Drip. That damn sound just would not go away. Her head hurt too much to open her eyes but she had to find out where that sound was coming from. When she opened her lovely eyes immediately she wished that she hadn't.

The detective was in what she would best describe as a warehouse. From the condition it had obviously not been used for some time. As she tried to move to look around, a sudden pain shot throughout her left side. With the pain came the total recall she had been lacking. How long ago she was not sure but she remembered the black hooded figure and the black Cadillac taking her from the woman that she loved.

At least it had been her and not Eva. The young woman had gone through enough in such a short time. With her detective training, Olivia was much better suited to deal with a situation like this. Of course it would help to know why she had been kidnapped. Or had Eva been the intended target? No, it was obvious from the body language of the perp that they had been after her all along. Why was now the question of the hour.

Even more pressing was where she was. After having been given chloroform, it had knocked out a bit of her more recent memories. Slowly the detective was trying to piece everything together. Her biggest concern was the safety of Eva. Having her handcuffed to a tree in central park was not her ideal of foreplay. In fact, it made her downright angry at whoever had done this.

"Well, the sleeping cop has finally graced me with her presence." The black hooded figure came to stand in front of a glowering Olivia. "Now detective, is that anyway for you to treat an old friend?" The figure came and stood in front of Liv. She took a swing at them with her tied up hands. "Now that really isn't helpful. Please, I'm asking you nicely to behave." With that, she felt the cold sharp feeling of a knife pressed against her neck.

Olivia settled back against the wall but kept the glaring look at her captor. "I would behave better if I knew who my host is. That way I can better contribute to the conversation." It was tearing her up inside to have to even speak to the psycho who had taken her against her will. "Maybe I'll like you better if I get to know you."

"Oh, I highly doubt that." The figure backed away, keeping the knife in clear sight. "You see, we've met once before. But the last time you were the one that had everyone on your side. This time, you have no one but yourself. As smart and as beautiful as you are, you can't possibly handle me all by yourself."

The detective was beginning to recognize the voice behind the hooded figure. But the perp was behind bars as far as she knew. He was serving a life sentence. It couldn't possibly be him. "I can handle most things by myself. But lately, I'm finding that having to count on someone else isn't the worse thing in the world. How about you?"

"Oh, I work alone my dear." The perp stood and closed the gap once again between the two. The hood slid back and the dark sunglasses were placed in the collar of the sweatshirt. There was an instant look of recognition on Olivia's face. "Well, it's good to see that you do remember me as fondly as I remember you. And before you ask, yes I should be in prison. But it's amazing what you can accomplish from the inside with the right connection. If only you could have gotten me to confess to the gun I'd still be in maximum security possibly even solitary waiting for my execution date. Now, here I am free as a bird. You on the other hand can't say the same thing."

"Richard White. I knew I should have taken things into my own hands instead of letting everyone else in on it. I knew in my gut that you would never admit to killing them with a gun. That was the difference between life in prison and the death penalty." There was an anger building up inside the young woman. "So, what now? Are you going to use me to get your revenge on the rest of the world?"

Richard smiled cruelly. "If it were only that simple. I was never a simple man, if you can recall. That's why you and your buddies had such a difficult time even connecting things to me. But with one phone call I got you on that park bench and almost had you. I'm going to savor the fact that you and I have unfinished business. Until then, I want you to know that there are going to be several women in this town that will get hurt. And you are to blame." The evil man took his knife and threw it at her. It landed several feet above her head and out of reach.

"They aren't on me." Olivia tried to stand but the ropes that she was bound with were too tight. "I did my job to the best of my abilities. You knew the way the law worked and made it so that you wouldn't face the death penalty. Anyone that is hurt because of you is on you and whoever it was that helped you to escape. Don't try to guilt me on this one." Her words spoke volumes. But inside, there was a part of her that felt she was at fault.

The rapist clapped his hands as he made his way over to retrieve his knife. "Very good my dear. You sounded almost like you had convinced yourself of your innocence. Trust me when I say that every ounce of blood I spill, every woman that I defile will be with you in mind. So if not you to blame than who?" Without another word the creep walked toward the door. He turned and smiled at her and left her by herself.

Olivia's only thoughts were of Eva. It had been a cold day and if someone had not come along and found her and if not the right person… The detective shook her head. She had to try and stay positive. At the moment, the only thing that was keeping her going was the thought of her girl. How she longed to once again be in the arms of her amazing lover.

()()()()()()()()

"You've got to do more." Eva was pacing back and forth in front of Elliot's desk. "She's been gone for nearly seven hours now. Who knows what that SOB is doing to her right now. Is all you can do is sit on your ass and do nothing?" The teacher paused in her pacing to glare at her lover's coworker.

"Now hold on." Elliot stood up. He put both his hands on her shoulder. "I know what you are going through. I have a wife and kids so I can only imagine what exactly is going on in your head right now. But we have to stay calm and keep focused if we are going to find Olivia and with speed."

Eva took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She knew that it was useless to get this upset. One needed to keep their head in a time of crisis instead of getting all bent out of shape. But it was her Olivia that was out there. It was probably because of her. Something had told the school teacher that trouble was brewing. But the past two weeks had been so wonderful that she had not wanted to believe it. "I'm sorry. I know you are doing the best that you can. Is there anything else I can do to help?"

Stabler looked her straight in the eyes. "You've given us a detailed account of what happened. I know that you think it wasn't much but it really was. Right now the best place for you to go is home. I've got a couple of uniforms ready to take you home. There will be somebody posted outside your apartment until we figure out what exactly is going on. I know it's easier said than done but go home and get some rest. The first thing Liv is going to do is call you. Please."

The school teacher looked defeated. But she knew that the detective was right. If she had any more insight into the case she could always call him and let him know. If she went home, she could wrap herself in one of Olivia's shirts. It wouldn't be the same thing but it would give her some minute bit of comfort. "All right. I know I don't have to say it but please let me be the first to know when something turns up."

"I promise." Elliot nodded to two uniform officers. "Please take her home. Don't leave her unless you have relief you got that?" Both nodded. "The entire department is on this." He watched her leave when Munch walked in. "So, is there any news?" He was nearly as anxious as Eva was.

"I'm afraid not good." Munch handed Elliot a folder. "We just fished this woman out of the east river about half an hour ago." As Stabler read through the file his eyes grew big. "That's right. I think we either have a copy cat or someone is not where they are supposed to be. I've got a call into the prison now. But if this is him, Liv is in big trouble."

Elliot could feel his heart racing a bit faster especially when he read the report a little further. An 'O' had been carved into the stomach of the victim. If only they had taken him out this might not be happening. But then again, it might not be him at all. They still had to work the Allison angle. She had yet to be found since Liv had been kidnapped. With so few leads to go on this was not looking good for his partner. And he knew that every second that she was gone was another second closer to finding her dead instead of alive.


	17. Chapter 17

AN-As always, I repeat a lot I know, but thanks for reading and hope you continue to enjoy. Any feedback or suggestions very much appreciated.

Eva paced back and forth in her small living room. It was a place that held some great memories for her. The past few months had been filled with so many emotions that it made her head spin to think about it. And yet, the things she focused on now were the most positive. She had to or she would go insane from worry.

Olivia had been missing now for over forty eight hours. If she were still alive, who knew what condition that she would be in. True, the school teacher knew that her woman was as strong as they came. But everyone is vulnerable at times. This would be when she was at her most vulnerable because she knew Liv would be focused on her and not herself.

Having gone to school that day had helped only a little. But she found herself looking out the window or at the door hoping that Olivia would be standing there or at the very least one of her fellow police officers telling her she was in the hospital but all right. But her phone never rang and there was still no sign of her wonderful girlfriend.

Every twenty minutes she was on the phone with detective Stabler. He seemed nice enough and she could tell that he really was trying to see things from her side. But she could also tell that he was getting annoyed with her constant phone calls. But she needed to know what was happening every step of the way. However, she could sense that there was something that the detective was not telling her. That was driving her even more insane.

The final thing that had Eva so on edge was the thought that Allison or Janice was behind this. True, Allison had been quiet ever since the restraining order but she knew all too well how easily a person could walk right through a piece of paper. Her ex was living proof of that. And though it had been years since Janice had been around, there was this feeling in her gut that she was not too far away. Liv always said she followed her gut and that the school teacher should as well.

Finally, Eva had enough of things. She stopped her pacing and picked up an old flower vase with the flowers still in it. As hard as she could she threw it at the wall. There was a loud shattering that startled her for some reason. The little tiny shards of glass fell almost with an eerie silence after such a thundering sound that had broken them down. For several moments she stared at the mess she had created.

Slowly and mechanically, she got out the broom and dust pan. Careful not to cut herself, she picked up the largest pieces. Still as if in a daze, she swept up the remaining pieces. As she was putting the contents into the waste basket, one little shard barely pricked her. It bled just a little droplet. But Eva stared at it as if it had caused her the greatest pain she knew.

But that wasn't the greatest pain she knew. Slowly, the school teacher slid to the ground. As she did, tears began free flowing down her cheeks. She sobbed so hard that she was nearly convulsing. It was as if she had lost the most important thing in the world. If Olivia didn't return home to her it would be like losing a piece of herself and the most valuable thing ever in the world. No treasure could compare to what she had found with the detective.

Just then there was a knock on the door. Quickly she wiped her face on her sleeve and tried to compose herself as she ran to the door. Without even asking who it was, she opened the door. It was the last person in the world she had ever hoped to see. Well, there was one other person that would have been just as unwelcomed. "What the hell are you doing here?"

The dark haired woman smiled big. "Now, is that anyway to greet an ex?" Without even a moment of hesitation, the woman pushed her way by. She looked around the tiny apartment and wrinkled her nose. "I really thought that you could do better than this tiny drab of a place. Especially seeing that you are dating a cop. They must make some money. Well, at least better than the peasant salary that a teacher makes."

Instantly Eva was in a rage. Already she was worried about Olivia but now she was going to have to deal with her ex? "Janice, who gives a shit what you think. You have no right to say anything to me. You are in my distant past and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm busy right now so get the fuck out of my place before I call the police and have them remove you for me."

"Touchy." Janice made her way into the living room and sat down. "Sorry if this isn't the best of times but I'm only in New York for a couple of days. I thought that we could catch up. I've changed. I've been in counseling now for years. I understand that you've been getting some help yourself. And before you ask, I talked to Nick last night. We still have him in common."

"We have nothing in common." Eva made her way to the phone and picked it up. "Now I don't care if you have to go to the streets and nowhere else to go. I want nothing ever to do with you again. And stop getting info through my friends. They don't know what all went on between us. But I remember. Now, I'm going to start dialing if you are not out of here in ten seconds."

Janice stood up and sighed. "All right. You win. I'm sorry you feel like this. I really was just trying to come here and show I've changed. It's kinda like the twelve step program where you try and make amends for your past sins. It would have been better if I called first. If I ever try again, I'll call I promise. Now, I'll go. I hope you are truly happy."

Eva didn't put the phone down until she had locked the door behind her ex. She slid down the door and began crying again. When she pulled herself together again she called Stabler and told him what had just happened. Still no word on Olivia and that was not good news. For every minute, every second that she was gone made it more likely that she was going to come home in a body bag.

()()()()()()()()()()

Olivia kept trying to untie her ropes that had already started to cut into her skin. Her wrists were raw but she had to keep trying. The creep had not left her with many options. As in their last entanglement, he had been very smart and thought of almost everything. His one downfall had been his obsession with the detective. If she had her way it would be his downfall once again.

Her mind had already gone through all the ways of escape. There were tiny windows near the roof but nothing to stand on to be able to get to them even when she got free. The door was locked from both the inside and the outside with a combination padlock so that would not be easy to break through. There was also nothing that she could use to try and fray the ropes that bound both her feet and hands together.

So what was a girl to do? Right now she was using her teeth to try and weaken the tightness of the ropes that bound her hands. If she had at least her hands free, she would be in a little better shape to fight. Of course, she knew that Richard had already thought of most of her ways of escape. But someone who played opossum for awhile had a bit of the upper hand.

If only she could get free. She cursed as the rope rubbed across her bottom lip causing it to bleed. Her captor would now know how she was trying to escape. Knowing the bastard he probably already had the place laced with video. Everything she did was probably a futile attempt to escape. But there was one burning image that kept her going. That was the most amazing woman that she had ever met.

Liv sucked on her bottom lip and tried to stop the bleeding. The copper taste in her mouth only infuriated her more. Outside this prison was the woman that she loved. The detective could only imagine what she was going through. Plus, she would not be there to protect her if Allison tried anything. Of course, she had not protected her very well the last time that they had been together. Another curse escaped the young detective's mouth.

"Such foul language from such a beautiful woman." Richard was at the door. He shook his head as he locked everything back up tight. He was carrying a sack of takeout food and what appeared to be several bottles of water. "And I brought you a present and everything. Perhaps I should keep it all to myself as punishment for one the language and two for trying to escape." Slowly, he sauntered over to his victim. He took her chin in one hand and held her roughly. "That's going to sting for a bit. You really should just relax and wait for the big finale."

Olivia managed to break free from his grasp. Without even thinking about it she spit on his feet. For her trouble she was awarded with a slap across her cheek. "You son of a bitch. I don't want anything from you. If you are going to kill me than kill me. Just get it over with so I don't have to look at your ugly face anymore." There was the fresh taste of copper in her mouth as the inside of her cheek had split open a bit. A bruise was already forming on her cheek.

"You just don't get it do you?" The evil man set the food and water next to her. "You aren't in control here my dear. You always have a need for control, most people do. But there are times in life when you just can't control what goes on. You need to relax and settle in for a bit. You'll just love what I have planned before I leave town. I do believe that a certain someone has met someone special."

"You bastard! You monster!" Olivia tried swinging with her arms and legs but it was again futile. "Stay the fuck away from her or I'll kill you." Her face was red from the rage that she was feeling. Never in her life had she felt such venom against one person. If she lived long enough he would be tracked down and put to death, not necessarily by the state of New York.

Sighing heavily, Richard began walking away from the helpless detective. "You won't be in any shape to harm me when I'm through with you." He stopped and threw some pictures at her. "These are just two of the women that were hurt because of you. Notice your mark on them?" His laugh was pure evil. "Now to go get the one victim that will hurt you the most. I do have to say I'm so looking forward to seeing a little girl on girl action. It really turns me on."

"You fucking bastard!" But the door had already slammed shut. Olivia closed her eyes and prayed. It was the only thing she had left not that she was all that religious. But she was bound too tightly and she knew that Richard would find a way to get Eva even if she were in protective custody. Once again her girl was going to get hurt and it was all her fault. Finally, it all was too much and the detective broke down and started to cry. If anything happened to Eva, she was going to kill Richard White. There was nothing or anyone that could stop her.


	18. Chapter 18

AN-Gee, been a bit again. Sorry bout that. As always I'll try and keep updating but I would appreciate some feedback other than from my special woman. Hope you enjoy the latest chapter.

Eva was beginning to know what a caged animal in a zoo felt like. Ever since Janice had shown up in her apartment not only was there a marked police car patrolling in front of her apartment, there were two unmarked ones parked at either corner. There was also a new guy stationed at the door. It was making the other tenets a bit nervous but what else could she do?

That was the entire problem as she saw it now. It was the weekend finally and her plans with Olivia were out the door. At least while she was teaching, knowing a police officer was just outside her classroom, kept her busy. The energy that the kids exerted had to be equaled by her if not even exceeded. It had helped keep her mind off from things now happening in her life.

It was still in the back of her mind. Seeing Olivia being taken away at gunpoint kept her awake at night. Even when she closed her eyes she could see the entire scenario playing over and over again. All she wanted was to have the phone ring and have it be Liv on the other end saying that they could spend the weekend together and not to worry that whoever was behind this was now behind bars.

But the phone kept silent and so did her empty apartment. There was no reason to have the television on or have the radio on. To play one of their favorite CD's was of no point at all. It just made her miss her lover even more if that was possible. And the thought that this was all her fault kept pounding throughout her entire head. What was a girl to do?

There was a knock on the door that startled her. The only one that would come to do the door now was the officer in the lobby. Every so often he came up and personally checked on her. She glanced at her watch and noticed that it was probably change of shift and that the newest officer would be introducing him or herself to her.

Eva barely hesitated on her way to the door. Her thoughts were of hope that it was more than the new officer. She peered out the eyehole to make sure that indeed there was a police officer on the other side. The blue uniform and shield on his cap told her that it was safe. "Sorry to have kept you waiting too long. With the way things are happening one can't be too careful."

A small smile was upon the officer's face. "You are certainly right about that, Eva." The smile turned even larger as he saw the young woman cringe. Quickly, she tried to shut the door but he had already blocked it with his foot. "I'm just here to protect you ma'am. Is there something wrong?" The tone of his voice sent chills up and down the school teacher's spine. "Now, let's not do this the hard way. Come along easily. I'd think you'd want to. After all, I'm taking you to the one person you've wanted to see for a few days now."

"You mean…?" Eva nearly got sick to her stomach as the smile turned into a sneer. "You fucking bastard! You're the one that took her." She managed a bit of courage and ran up to him swinging her fists into his chest. In her heart she knew it was futile and probably only going to make the situation worse but she had to do something. Finally, he grabbed both her wrists rather roughly. She instantly went limp in his grasp. "I won't struggle anymore. Just take me to her."

"Oh, we have all the time in the world for that." Richard pulled his hand back and slapped her across the face. "I figure we could have a bit of fun before I take you to her. After all, I'm still getting my groove back after your bitch of a partner put me in jail." Again, he struck her across the face. "What, not even going to scream with pain? What fun is it if I don't know if you are really hurting or not?"

Eva was already a bit woozy from the hard hits. But she managed to keep herself awake long enough to spit on his face. "You pig. I won't give you the satisfaction." This time Richard pulled out a syringe from his pocket. A little gasp escaped her as he injected the needle into her neck without pulling back any on the force. Her eyes blinked once or twice before she was in dreamland.

Richard smiled smugly as he wrapped the school teacher in a blanket. It had been easier than he had thought to drug the police officer and get to Eva's apartment. True, she had not put up as much of a fight as he would have liked but it would be that much more entertaining when he had her with Olivia. The detective would know pain like she had never felt before all because she had done the human thing and fallen in love.

Getting the still body of the school teacher out of the apartment building had been a bit more challenging than the evil man had anticipated. The number of cops had doubled since he went in. Luckily he had planned ahead for such an occasion and had a black Ford Escort parked at the rear entrance. It took a bit to get the teacher situated but it would all be worth it when he saw the look on Olivia's face.

About half an hour later he was back at the warehouse. Olivia appeared to be sleeping. Gently, he laid the sleeping woman next to the detective and bound her as tight as his other captive. Not one to be patient he sprayed both young woman with water. Both woke up sputtering obscenities in the process. Olivia only glared at Richard when she saw that Eva was beside her but out of reach.

"What? No comment about seeing your lover?" Richard kicked Olivia in the stomach. "I expect better manners out of you. You should have at least greeted her and seen how she was." There was such a menacing vibe about the man and yet there was something else there that Liv could not quite put her finger on.

Olivia's eyes met with Eva's and the school teacher knew to keep quiet. "All I'll say is that you shouldn't have. But since you did, it will be that much more pleasant when I put the handcuffs on you. The best part of all will be watching you fry. I just wish that the way you died wasn't going to be quite so humane."

Richard burst out laughing. "You are ever the police officer aren't you?" The evil man shook his head. "In case you haven't noticed the situation my dear it's me with the power and you two just waiting until I choose the right time to kill you. A gun is so messy but it gets the job done." The creep pulled a gun out and pointed it at Eva's head. "You can quit the brave talk in front of your honey. Just sit there and take what I'm going to dish out to you."

"I have a better idea." Olivia pulled a gun out from behind her back. "Why don't you just stand there until the backup arrives? Oh wait I almost forgot." The door burst open. "They never left me when they found out where you had taken me." Richard stood there with the gun still in his hand. "It's now your move you bastard. You can stand there with the right to remain silent or you can make my day and try something stupid."

Stabler and Munch were the first two officers standing there with their guns drawn and aimed at the rapist. He turned his back on Olivia and acted like he was going to set the gun on the floor. In one quick motion her turned and slid onto his side and shot at his target. Before his gun went off, there was a loud pop and Richard's head flew back.

Olivia quickly made her way over to where Eva was still slightly out of it. "Eva, baby, are you all right?" The detective made quick work of the ropes that had her girl bound. She sat there rocking her girl for a long time, not even bothering to look at the slumped over body of the bastard that had tried to harm the woman that she loved.

Finally, as Stabler and Munch finally had made their way to stand in front of them Eva found her voice. "Can we go home now?" The teacher smiled up at Stabler and mouthed a thank you to him and Munch. "It's been a few days from hell and I really like to go home and take a bath and go to bed, if that's not too much to ask for."

Liv was crying like a baby. "It's definitely not too much to ask for. I just have to talk to the guys here and we can spend the rest of the night wrapped up with one another." She kissed the school teacher gently and helped her to her feet. "They need to check you out real quick. I promise I'll be there in a minute."

"I'll be counting the seconds." A police officer escorted her to the waiting ambulance.

The three detectives stood there for a moment. Stabler reached out his hand and Olivia gave him her gun. "I know, procedure." She smiled weakly at her partner. "I don't know if I had to shoot him in the head or not but all I know is that he moved when I aimed at him. But I'm not sorry that he's dead or that I'm the one that killed him. He got off lucky considering what he was likely to do to the two of us had you not tracked me down."

"We just followed the trail." Stabler pulled Olivia into a hug. He whispered in her ear "I would have done the same exact thing if it had been Kathy. You did the right thing." The detective pulled back a smile on his face. "Now go home and take care of your girl. If IA wants you they know where to find you. You'll probably get the usual week off after an incident. You need it and deserve it."

"It's not me I'm worried about." Olivia waved at Eva who was beginning to pace back and forth. "She's been through so much in the past few months. And that's not even the half of it. What she went through when she was in college." Liv shook her head sadly. "I hope this isn't going to be the last straw for her."

The two guys only smiled sadly not knowing exactly what to say. The detective made her way to her girl. Eva wrapped her in a bear hug. "It's about time you got over here. Now, take me home and keep me safe. The only time I feel safe anymore is when your arms are wrapped around me. And thank you for killing the bastard for me."

"I only meant to wing him." Olivia took Eva's arm in her own and they made their way to Olivia's apartment. "Hope you don't mind my little place. I just figured for one night we could use it and then we can go back to using yours." Liv was sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for her girl to join her after having taken a long bubble bath.

"It makes no difference to me as long as I'm with you." The towel clad school teacher made her way into the bedroom. "If you don't mind I'd just like to go to bed with you by my side. I don't really feel like talking right now."

"That's all right. We have plenty of time to talk." Olivia slid under the covers and held them back so that Eva could join her. "Besides, talking is overrated. Snuggle time is what it's all about." The school teacher wanted to agree with her lover but something was not right. There was something different between them now. She sensed a darkness in Liv that she had never felt before. She was not so sure if she were truly safe with the detective as she once had been.


	19. Chapter 19

AN-Well, another few days and I got an update for you. Hope I can continue to keep updating at this pace but with the holidays fast approaching…I digress on that stressful thought and turn you over to the latest chapter. Hope you continue to enjoy.

It had been just a couple of months since Richard had taken Olivia and Eva captive. It had only been a couple months since the detective had shot the man who had threatened to kill the woman that she loved more than life itself. It had only been a couple of weeks since Jeffries had been replaced by Finn. It had been quite the dizzying few months with everything going on for one Olivia Benson.

But there was one thing that she should have seen coming but never had. When she sat back and reflected on how Eva had slowly begun to pull away she should have known. But as with anyone that is in love they are blinded to the things that are so painfully obvious to people not so close to the situation. Stabler had tried to talk to her about it, but Liv knew her girl better.

It was a week after the shooting when Eva had awoke with a scream. When Olivia had tried to talk to her about it the school teacher had said it was just some leftover nightmares from their time in captivity and that her therapist was helping her deal. If only the detective had known that it was not nightmares about Richard she was having but about the detective then maybe things would have worked out differently.

The second sign that the detective should have seen was the fact that Eva was spending extra time after school. Liv had just played it off to a very caring woman who was trying to help those that couldn't afford day care. But then, the teacher had started going to school on Saturdays and Sundays to tutor the kids. It had infringed big time on their alone time.

The third sign should have been how many times a week that Olivia would come home and Eva would already be getting ready for bed. The detective would end up eating alone and slipping into bed only to have her girl turn away from her when she tried to kiss her. At first she had thought she had done something wrong that had upset her girl so flowers and candy and cards were in order.

Finally, after weeks of near silence between the two young women, Liv had finally taken it upon herself to confront the woman that she loved. Though she had never wanted to lose her this was not a way to live. This was not the way that two people in love were supposed to act. They were quickly becoming like strangers that pass on the sidewalk. They might glance at one another but there was no direct contact.

The words that were spoken between the two women were burned in Olivia's memory. This was the first time that she had truly allowed herself to be completely honest with another person. In fact, she had come to depend on Eva and that was the hardest thing she had ever done since her mother had been so cruel at times to her because of her drinking.

Olivia had walked into the bedroom earlier than Eva had expected. Immediately Liv could see the wheels turning trying to find some excuse to get away from her. But this time there was no escape and answers were going to be given whether the school teacher liked it or not. "Eva, we need to talk. Things have been so strained between us the past few weeks that I don't know what I did but I'll do anything to make it up to you."

Eva turned her head so that Liv could not see her eyes. The detective was able to read people so well and had especially learned how to read the school teacher. "There's nothing wrong as far as I can see. It's just all in your mind. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to help a student with their math. I promised to IM them ten minutes ago."

The school teacher kept trying to get by but Olivia kept her position strong. "I know you are making that up. It's nearly nine and there is no way you'd have one of your kids on the computer this late at night. And how can you say nothing is wrong when you obviously don't even want to be in the same room with me anymore?"

Finally, Eva gave up and sat on the bed. Olivia remained an ever vigilant statue in the doorway. Again her eyes would not meet the woman that she had once loved so strongly that it had scared her. But those feelings were being overpowered by something else. Perhaps it was time to tell Liv the truth. "I don't feel safe with you anymore."

"What?" That was the last thing that Olivia had expected to be the reason that Eva was avoiding her so. "I know that my job is dangerous and you got caught up in it once but I don't see how you don't feel safe around me anymore."

Eva finally looked Liv in the eyes. "For a detective you are sometimes blind. You haven't seen how I've been nervous around you? You haven't seen how I avoid being with you or that I avoid being in your apartment? Ever since what happened with Richard…" She shivered at the mere thought of the experience.

"That was just a fluke. Yes, there are those out there that have a grudge simply because I put them behind bars. But I'm careful always. Usually they inform us when one of our guys gets out, especially when they have a history like we did." Olivia crossed her arms over her chest. She was beginning to feel a bit defensive. "I guess I never thought it would affect you like it has."

"That's just it!" Eva stood now and began pacing back and forth. "You never really thought your work would come home and bite us both in the ass. It started when those two creeps raped me and then I was up for their murder. Then, a girl gets obsessed with you to the point where she's breaking into your apartment. What if I had been there? What would she have done then? And the final straw comes when some psycho path you thought was safely in prison comes after me. You can't protect me. And just being with you means that I'm in danger every second of my life. And don't try and tell me that life is dangerous. You magnify it times a million!"

Olivia stood there for a moment, speechless. Sure her job had come a bit too close to home when Eva had been kidnapped to hurt the detective. But the other things, well, she had contributed to just bad timing and luck not her job or who she was. "You know you are dissing me when you diss my job like that. If I weren't out there so many more criminals would be on the loose."

"You just aren't hearing me." Eva stopped pacing and stood looking straight into Olivia's eyes. The school teacher's face was taking on a nice shade of red. "I understand it's a part of you and that you are making a difference in the world. But it's coming too close to me. I've been hurt how many times because of you. I saw a man get his head blown away because of you. I don't know if I'll ever get over that."

Liv relaxed her stance. Already she was beginning to feel defeated. But she had to keep fighting a little bit longer for the woman that she loved more than life itself. "I'm sorry. I know a broken record. But what am I supposed to do? Do you want me to quit the force and do what? Become a rent a cop? Is that what you want from me? Because if it is I will do it. I just don't want to lose you."

With a whisper of a voice, Eva said, "you already have." It was like daggers in the detective's heart it was so painful to hear those words. The school teacher watched Olivia fall back against the door frame as if she had been kicked in the gut. "The dreams I've been having haven't been about Richard so much as they've been about you. You've pointed your gun and shot me so many times in my dreams that I've lost count. I just don't think I can ever feel safe now that you've killed someone and I watched. And I don't think I'll ever get over the rape or what Allison tried to do to me. I…" She swallowed hard before continuing. "I don't want to see you anymore. You should leave, tonight." Her back was turned and tears were streaming down her face.

Tears burned at Olivia's eyes as she fought so hard to keep them from falling. All she wanted to do was wrap Eva in her arms and never let her go. The woman had made it so that she could truly live. Now, it was as if she was taking the very breath from her lungs. It was hard to move and even harder to breath but the detective managed to pack her things and in a very expedient manner. For a moment she lingered at the door to the bedroom. "I'm sorry again for the pain I've obviously caused you. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially you. I'll always love you. You are my first true love and I'll never fully get over you. I'm sorry it had to end this way if at all. I wish you all the love, happiness and success in the world."

Eva turned just in time to see Olivia turn to go. It was the last she saw of the detective. As for Liv, she went home. First, she had stopped by a liqueur store and purchased the biggest bottle of Scotch she could find. It had taken her only three or four hours to consume. She had passed out on her living room floor. That was how Stabler had found her when she had failed to show up for work. It was the worst time in her life.

Olivia sat at the bar as she did every night. It had been three months since she had broken up with Eva. The detective avoided anywhere that the two might run into one another. So, she sat in the little bar that was a cops' hangout and sipped on her Scotch oh so slowly. She stared off into space most of the time not paying attention to anyone around her.

For the second time the young blond woman said, "Excuse me are you Olivia Benson?" Finally, a fairly drunk Olivia turned to see the amazing looking woman smiling down at her. "Your partner, Elliot Stabler, said that I might find you here." She extended her hand. When the detective simply looked at it she pulled it back. "I'm Alexandria Cabot. My friends call me Alex." Still there was only silence in return. "I'm the new ADA assigned to special victims unit. There's an old case of yours coming up for review. I'd really like it if we could get together sometime and discuss the details."

Finally, Olivia blinked. It was as if she were waking up from a long winter's nap. She took in entirely the beauty that was standing beside her. The detective sat up straight and offered her hand. It was gladly taken. "I'm sorry to be a bit rude." Liv smiled sadly. "Not been in the best of moods as of late and when a strange, but beautiful woman comes up to me I'm on guard a bit. We can get together pretty much any time that you have free. Just let me know and we can get started."

"That's great!" Alex's smile was intoxicating to the detective. "Why don't we have dinner at my place? I find it easier to concentrate in my own surroundings than in a stuffy office. I've got Friday or Saturday night open. I'll cook. Besides, I like to get to know the detectives I'm working with."

"And I like to get to know the ADAs I'm working with. How bout Saturday?" Olivia's voice was almost full of a smile. And yet, there was that thing that was always at her the past few months. How she could have let the relationship turn so sour so quickly and not see the signs was beyond her. But at least she could maybe live again.

"Sounds perfect." Alex pulled a card out of her briefcase. She turned it over and wrote on it. "Here are my home numbers and my address. If something comes up, just give me a call. But the case is up in about three weeks so I'd really like to get things rolling as soon as we can. It was nice to meet you. I think we'll like working together. I'll let you get back to your time off."

"Thanks. It was nice to me you too." The lawyer smiled shyly and turned to go. The detective's eyes never left the amazing legs that were holding up the beautiful woman. It was the first time since the breakup that she had even looked at another woman. Maybe, just maybe her shattered heart was beginning to mend once again. Only time would tell if she would ever be able to let someone get close like that again.


	20. Chapter 20

AN-Sorry for the lack of updates. Looks like it might be a bit again just to warn you. Hope the breakup wasn't too harsh or too soon but I felt like it was time to move on. Besides, how could anyone feel safe after being kidnapped and a self defense murder take place? Well, here's the latest. Hope you still enjoy. Thanks for reading and any feedback.

Olivia stared at herself in the mirror. This latest case was getting to her that was why she had gotten drunk last night. Who would abuse a girl and especially now a comatose girl? There were so many suspects and too few leads. Plus, everyone either seemed to not want to help or were hiding behind their lawyers. It was not going to make her job easy.

But what would be easy anymore? That question included her everyday life. Last night had been the first time she had gotten plastered in a couple weeks. Eva was still fresh in her mind every day but there was something that seemed to be lessening the impact the woman once had. It certainly wasn't her job for it was cases like this that just wanted to make her scream and to just run into the arms of the woman that she loved.

But that was not going to happen. It would never happen again, at least not with Eva. Was there someone out there that could break her of her self induced haze that she was living her so called life through? All she knew was that the few times that she felt even a bit alive were when she was with the new ADA Alex. The woman was beautiful, smart, sexy, and funny. That was a deadly combination especially for someone that had just been hurt to the point of still being extra crispy around the edges.

The detective sighed heavily. She was not sure what was going to happen in her life not that she had ever really known. After all, one does not choose to be gay. You don't just wake up one day and say you think you'll give being a lesbian a try for awhile. It was who you are and deep down, when she looked at her past, she realized that there were signs to point to it. But there is society telling you one thing.

Now her life was about her work and very little else. When she did have a drink it was at the cops' bar where there was safety in numbers. Usually it was with Stabler or Munch. A few times she and Alex had shared a drink or two as well. The two had seemed to have this instant connection. The other night had gone beyond Liv's wildest dreams. Of course, it was not a real date and she had to remind herself that throughout the night as she had flirted shamelessly with the very attractive blond.

The two had kept their conversation mostly to the work at hand. There was little talk other than what Alex had been doing before she was assigned to SVU. It was more daunting than she had thought it was going to be. After all, the ones hurt the most in most of their cases were children. How could you not be affected by that? Only someone that was inhuman could just shrug it off at the end of the day. Somehow, someway everyone learned to deal with it.

Olivia had wanted nothing more than to see if the other woman was open to a relationship with her. But it was too soon for her to even think about dating. Moving on and living her life to the semi fullest was one thing. But to actually consider taking on another girlfriend was another matter. Besides, the two worked together and that would complicate things beyond anything the detective would want to handle.

Finally, Olivia had enough of thinking things through. All she needed was a hot shower and a large cup of coffee. It would help get the blood flowing and hopefully help her keep her thoughts focused on the task at hand. Someone had to pay for what had happened to the little girl. That was her job and for the moment that was her very life.

The detective hailed a cab as her car was in the shop and had been for nearly a week. That would be one more thing she hoped beyond hope would soon be fixed. But as with life, nothing ever seemed to come easily and patience was a virtue. How she hated having to be patient for anything. But, it was what helped in her job. Hopefully it would in her personal life as well.

When she opened the cab door, her jaw nearly hit the pavement. Sitting up looking at her was the last person that she ever thought she would see outside her apartment building again. "Care to share a ride, Liv?" The young woman was smiling nervously and patting the seat beside her. "I won't bite not unless you want me too."

It was a familiar line that had been used more than once in their relationship. But it wasn't funny anymore as the two had gone their separate ways; at least Olivia had thought that they had. "I guess. And I mean about sharing the cab." She waited for Eva to slide over a bit further before she settled in. There was no way that she was going to risk touching her in anyway.

Eva, as always, had different ideas. She reached out slowly and tried to take Liv's hand in her own only to have the detective quickly move it out of reach. "So, we're starting off like that are we?" There was a tension between the two that the school teacher had not realized was going to be this strong. "I wanted to talk to you. I hate the way that I left things."

"What? With my heart still beating as you plunged the knife in it?" Eva turned away, a look so hurt that Olivia instantly regretted saying what she had. "I'm sorry to be so blunt it's just that I was just starting to get over the breakup. Well, at least without having to be drunk all the time. And now you drive up in a cab and just expect us to talk like nothing happened at all?"

The school teacher turned back around. Already she was nearing tears. "I wasn't really thinking about how you would react. I just had to see you. There was something that kept nagging at me." She tried to smile but it was very week. "The way that I broke it off, I'm not proud of it. I should have told you the minute I started to have doubts. I just couldn't find the words to tell you what I was going through. I thought that therapy would help, but it wasn't."

The detective sighed heavily. "You know, I know that I wasn't necessarily the perfect girlfriend. I never saw you leaving me coming in a million years not that I hadn't noticed something wrong. Why do you think I was bringing home flowers and candy and expensive wine that I can't afford? It was to get you to talk to me instead of just pushing me away." She hesitated for a moment knowing what she was going to say next would sting. "Do you realize how many times you just used the word I? And did you realize what I said? It wasn't about me at all. I would have given up my job for you had you said to. But instead, you kept it to yourself."

Now the tears were free flowing from the school teacher's eyes. It was not what Liv had intended but the time to withhold punches was well past its prime. Eva had given that up with the way that she had left. "I guess I was being a bit selfish. But I was scared. Don't you get it? We had just been held hostage and I saw you kill that guy. How was I to feel safe again? I still don't. And that's without you in my life."

"Who's to say it would be any different with me in your life?" Olivia was beginning to get agitated. She was glad when they pulled up in front of the precinct. "Look, I have to get to work. A little girl needs me to find out who was harming her. If you really think you could feel safe with me then let me know. But I don't want any games. I don't want in a week or two to be told by you that you are still scared and can't handle my job. I would have given up everything for you but now, I don't dare. You just never trusted me enough." With that, she shut the door to the cab.

The two stared after one another until that cab had driven out of sight. Part of Olivia just wanted to turn around and go home. But if she did that she would cry and drink and neither was good for her at this point. She had cried all the tears she had to cry over the relationship that had been. If Eva got in contact with her again would she give it another go? That was doubtful as the detective did not want to set herself up to get hurt once again.

"Hello detective." Olivia jumped at the sound of the voice. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. I just wanted to say hi and see how things were going with the latest case." Alex shook her head. "I really wasn't prepared for how young the victims were going to be. Not that any age is a good thing to get molested or anything." If the detective hadn't known better she would have sworn that the lawyer was nervous and slightly embarrassed as emphasized by the pinkish cheeks. Of course, the cooler temps could have something to do with that.

"No problem." Olivia seemed to calm down a bit, just at the sight of the beautiful blond bombshell. "Just been one of those mornings. I just ran into my ex. We haven't been split up only a month and now comes here to tell me that a mistake was made and that maybe, just maybe we should give it another try. And, you never get used to the victims. The day you do is the day you better give up this job and find another line of work."

"I'll keep that in mind." Alex's eyes seemed to almost twinkle at her. Was it her imagination or did the lawyer just wink at her? It had to be all in her mind. "Well, I hope things work out between you and your ex the way that you want them to. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on I can be there for you. Perhaps a bit forward seeing we've only known each other for a little while but everyone needs a friend."

"We sure do." Olivia smiled as most of the stress seemed to just slide out of her. "We have a few leads but no one is truly talking at the moment. Seems everyone wants to play the blame card here or hide behind their lawyers. I'll keep you in the loop every step of the way. And maybe, we could have dinner sometime. Just to talk and not about work or anything work related. It'll be my treat."

"I'd like that." Alex turned to go up the steps but turned back. "I have a feeling we are going to be very good friends." This time she did wink at Olivia who stood there shell shocked for a moment as the lawyer made her way into the station.

It was several moments before Olivia could find the use of her legs. The wink, it had to just be that she was looking forward to becoming friends and nothing more. And the way she said 'very', that was all in her mind as well. Besides that, it was too early to be thinking of a new relationship. She still had to put the final nails in the coffin of her last relationship. It seemed some things don't stay dead like they are supposed to.


	21. Chapter 21

AN-Sorry it took so long to update. As always I promise to try to update often with no guarantees. Hope you enjoy. This is going to be a bit different. Thanks for reading!

Dear Eva,

It's funny in this day and age to sit down and write a letter. Most people either e-mail or text someone when they want to talk or just to say hi. In my case, there is just so much I have to say. And right now I'm not looking for a response from you. Right now, this is just about me putting my thoughts and feelings on paper and seeing where they take me.

It's been two weeks since you surprised me in the cab. I have to admit that part of me wanted to kiss you passionately like nothing had ever happened. But there was the biggest part that had to protect myself from getting hurt once again. There's never been a person in my life, to this point, that can hurt me like you can. You were my everything the one outlet I had to live a normal life. After you left me the way you did, I started drinking again.

But then one day something amazing happened. I met someone. Her name is Alex and is a co-worker of mine. No, she is not a cop like me but a lawyer. I knew right away that I was attracted to her. And for the very first time I felt like not drinking and getting away from the pain that was with me constantly. Her smile was able to melt my heart right away and I knew that I could be a goner once again.

That would be too fast I told myself. I didn't even know if Alex was a lesbian. At the very least I had hoped to have found a friend that I could confide things in. So far, that is all we are to each other. But she's easy to talk to and easy on the eyes so I'll take what I can get for now. She's making my life livable again which is something I wasn't sure that would happen so quickly after our breakup.

And then, you showed up. It was like someone had answered my initial prayers when we had first been apart. I would have done anything in the world to find you lying next to me in bed. The very thought still brings a bit of fire to my entire body. Yet is that all I want out of a relationship?

I have to say no. In the past, I would have jumped at the chance to have someone next to me at night. It wasn't about the sex either. It was about the fact that I had someone in my life that I could count on and depend on. Those one night stands I used to have were about controlling one thing in my life when I couldn't control my mother's drinking or later in life when the ravages of my job would take their toll.

You were the one person that changed all of that for me. I honestly thought that nothing could break us up especially after having faced the hurt of the rape and someone stalking me. I know in my heart that it was devastating being held hostage and seeing me kill another human being. That was the one time in our relationship that I could have truly used your support more than any other time. Though Richard was a bastard and I still feel the world is better off without him in it dealing with taking a life is never easy. Sure there is counseling through work. But it's not the same as having someone in your life that is there for you supposedly through thick and thin.

And you bailed on me. That is how it felt and still does feel. I know that you were going through some rough emotions still dealing with the rape but I don't know if you ever actually considered all that I went through. Having someone be obsessed with you is not a bed of roses. Having inflicted pain on the woman you love more than your own life twice is not an easy thing to live with. And when I turned to you, you slapped me across the face.

I'm still trying to deal with all of these feelings I'm having. Seeing you opened up some wounds that I thought had healed somewhat. Seeing you brought back the memory of how happy we were. Seeing you brought me a jolt of happiness and also a sadness that I haven't felt in the longest time.

The one thing I didn't feel was anger which at first puzzled me. Surely someone that has hurt you that much would bring back feelings of anger now wouldn't they? That's what I think anyways. So I'm thinking, and nothing is certain in my mind as of yet, that I'm not over you completely but I am on my way.

I don't want a complicated life. My job complicates things enough as it is. What I do want is to be happy whether that is with someone or whether it is alone. For I'm finding that being alone isn't the worst thing in the world especially when you have friends that you can talk to. It's not really being alone at all.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think it's best if we leave our lives the way that they are. Perhaps you'll find someone that is a bit safer than I ever will be. Perhaps I'll find that one person who can live with the danger that I'm in every day of my life. Or perhaps we'll just be happy being the people we are with friends surrounding us. Who knows.

I know this letter won't be easy to read, especially the part about Alex. But I had to get my head clear of all these thoughts. Perhaps someday we can be friends once again. But I think it's best for now if we just stay clear of one another. I still love you too much to hurt you and I'm through being hurt so badly.

There is one thing that will stay with me always from our relationship. That is the love that you helped me find. I'll love you till the day that I die. But I just can't be with you out of fear of you deciding that you are afraid of my job or of me personally. So with this letter comes closure for me. Of course, it will never be total closure. For you are a part of me and always will be. And I wouldn't change that for anything.

Love always,

Liv

About a week later:

Dearest Liv,

It's taken me weeks to understand what happened when we were being held captive and I saw you do what you did. At first I blamed you for everything. That was why I felt that we could no longer be together. I had blindly put my fear into what you had done and not why you had done it in the first place. You saved my life with no regard to your own.

That was why I met you with the cab that day. I hadn't known for sure if you would be out front as usual or in the parking garage but I had to take a chance. And I was going to keep taking chances until we met once again. This was something I had to do in person and not with a letter or phone call.

Your initial rejection was heartbreaking to say the least but I knew you'd have strong feelings and tried to let it pass. I was almost argumentative with you because of my strong feelings as of late. I now know that it was a mistake the way I treated you and know that I have nothing to fear from you and everything to gain by being your lover.

The words you said about your co-worker Alex did indeed sting quite a bit. But at least you are on the mend. That means that there is still the possibility that we could be more than friends one day. It will take a bit for trust to be built again but we can do it. I have faith in us as a couple if only you'll have the same faith as I do.

Your letter sounded a bit final but I don't want to think of it like that. I want to think of it as a beginning rather than an ending. You mean too much to me just to crumple angrily a letter up and throw it away. That's what I did at first before I let it sink in all the things that you were really trying to say.

I love you too, with all my heart. And now I'm reading back on what I'm writing you. I sound as obsessed as Allison was. And that simply won't do. I have to let you go for now and see if some day we can't be friends as you say. It's not because I don't love you or want more than friendship. I think I will always want that from you and that's why I don't know if we'll ever be anything to one another again.

I guess in closing I have to say that your letter cut me deep. Not in the way that you said the things you did but just the things you had to say. My heart is breaking all over again but that is mostly my doing as I got my hopes up that we could once again be the amazing couple that we were. But I respect you and myself too much to go on a rampage where I'm the one that can't take no for an answer.

You were the most amazing lover I've ever had and I'm not just talking physically. I see now what I'm losing when I was the one to shatter what we had. I was a fool and ashamed of how I acted especially since I never gave you a chance to help me deal with the demons I had running around in my head.

And there are all those 'I's' you pointed out to me. I never even thought about how you must be feeling having taken a life to save mine. I guess that I thought you were used to it in the sense that it was an unfortunate side of your job. So I was the selfish one once again. That's probably why this relationship never would have worked in the long run without all the devastating blows it took from the outside world. A relationship is a two way street and I was always driving down a one way with you just barely in reach.

You too have taught this teacher quite a lesson about life, love and what's truly important in a relationship. I thank you for that and wish you all the happiness in the world whether it be with Alex or someone else. I too will always love you and you will always have a very special spot in my heart. It's like a part of me is missing somehow but yet I can still breathe if only barely. I guess as with any wound it will heal in time. I miss you and love you. Please be happy.

Love always,

Eva


	22. Chapter 22

AN-I still see there are quite a few readers but no feedback. Sigh. That's all right as long as you keep reading and hopefully enjoying. I might not be able to update for a bit with the holidays and the New Year quickly approaching but I promise updates as soon as I'm able. Thanks for all your support.

Olivia held the letter in her hand once again. It had only been a few days since she had received the reply to her own letter. It saddened her to think how quickly things can go wrong in a relationship. Even worse was how people in a relationship can grow tired of each other and things turn so ugly between the two of them.

Their latest case involving one of their own possibly raping his wife was a sad tale of how badly things can go wrong in a relationship. One is cheating and the other can't keep their emotions in check. It leads to violence and worse to hurting the one you supposedly loved. And to make things worse in her mind was the fact that their marriage was only five years old.

That was one thing that the detective was proud of with her relationship with Eva. No matter how bad things were between them, they never resorted to out and out fighting. Neither would have ever thought to harm the other. True, the school teacher had kept things from her but they were her emotions and not something that could have caused harmed to anyone.

Well, that wasn't exactly true as Olivia's heart still ached most of the time. Partly it was because her first real relationship had gone out the door. Partly it was because she had to grieve over the fact that she would never again be with the woman that she loved. And partly it was because there was no sign of life in her love life.

It was true that she and Alex had been spending some of their nights together. It was mostly spent at a bar having drinks over a case. But there was one special night that had caused the detective to write Eva the letter in the first place. It was the night that she had spent with the lawyer at her apartment.

The memory of that night was bittersweet in her mind. And since that night any time that they spent together had a bit of awkwardness about it. But it was good to know where one stood even if it kept the detective's heart in a sling. Closing her eyes she flashed back to that oh so amazing yet painful night.

Olivia had shown up a half an hour early she was so nervous. With a bottle in her hand the door bell had been rung. When the door opened, Alex was standing there in her bathrobe. It had made Liv blush as well as the lawyer. After a bit of awkward silence, the lawyer had asked her in and she had settled in on the couch.

"I'm sorry to be so early." Olivia set the bottle on one of the coasters on the coffee table. "Nice place you have here. I have to admit it's quite a bit nicer than mine." Trying to take in every detail the detective scanned the room and inhaled deeply. "Have you been living here long?" It was all about making small talk as she could not remember the last time that she was this nervous about being in someone's apartment.

"I've only lived here about a month." Alex came around the corner. Her hair was draped nicely around her face accentuating the cheekbones. Her eyes were twinkling without the glasses upon her face. "I hadn't planned on getting a place so soon. I wasn't sure if I was going to be cut out to handle special victims. After all, there is that two year rotation that usually happens in SVU."

The detective took mental note of that wondering if the lawyer was saying something about the fact that she herself had been in SVU longer than most people last. "That's true. And in general it's a good idea. Having to deal with live victims on the worse day of their life is not easy. Worse can be seeing the children and how they suffer. I'm not sure if it's worse when they live through it or we find them abandoned and…" She trailed of knowing that Alex already had the picture.

Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Already there were images that she could not get out of her head. Too many of their cases involved children and it sickened her more than she would have ever thought it could. "I hate to say this but let's change the subject. I asked you here so that we could get to know one another outside of work. I don't have many friends yet but I consider you one. Plus, I love to cook but don't get a chance to very often. Usually work keeps me late or the other factor that I don't seem to have a life outside of work."

"You and me both." When Alex raised an eyebrow, Olivia remembered how she had told her she was coming off a bad breakup. "Well, I had started to have a life outside of work but work interfered and I ended up losing the best thing that has happened to me. It was my first real relationship if you can understand that."

The lawyer nodded emphatically. "I can definitely understand that." She noticed the bottle of wine. "Shall we?" Olivia nodded and Alex made her way to the kitchen to retrieve glasses and a corkscrew. Slowly she poured a little for each before continuing the conversation. "It was about a year ago that I had my first real relationship. It was an eye opening experience. You think, when you are younger, that every relationship is the greatest and that this could be the one. But then one day you realize that you are in a true relationship for the very first time. You think of no one else not even yourself. You want to find ways to make the other person happy. If you don't watch yourself you become totally consumed by your relationship. At least, that's what happened to me. And then one day you are confronted by the fact that you haven't taken time for yourself or your family or your job. And I also realized that I was the only one in that deep."

"Wasn't exactly the way it was with me." Olivia sipped her wine. Alex's hypnotic eyes were making it hard to concentrate and to think about another woman, even the one that she still loved so much. "With me, I had been a party girl. I'm not exactly proud to say that but I was. Even when I woke up one day not really sure how I was there with all those guys did I totally straighten up. I still had one night stands, I was just more careful about it. Then one day it happened. I met this amazing person and slowly but surely I opened up about things I never have to anyone. It made my job easier knowing there was somebody waiting for me that loved me no matter what. But then, my job interfered. We were taken hostage by one of the perps I put behind bars. Thankfully I was found before he got back. Unfortunately I had to kill him in front of…"

"That was harsh." Alex took the detective's hand in her own. "Let me guess, couldn't handle that you shot someone even though it was to save lives, including your own?" Olivia nodded sadly but also was fighting the impulse to kiss the lawyer. The detective shook her head in disgust. "I realize that it was a very traumatizing situation and all but I can't understand how anyone wouldn't see it for what it was. You were protecting lives. It's part of you. The badge and you are one. You can't separate the two. I know. My ex was a cop."

"Mine was a school teacher." Olivia blushed a bit. "So, you're ex being a cop means that has totally turned you off from dating other cops." Quickly she took a gulp of her wine and tried not to let on that she had just totally embarrassed herself or given up the attraction that she was fighting hard with every beat of her heart and with every fiber of her being.

Alex took a gulp of her wine and seemed a bit fidgety all of a sudden. "Well, I wouldn't exactly say that. In fact, that wasn't even a factor in why we broke up. I admire the dedication and strength of character it takes to keep up the never ending battle. Mine is a similar battle it seems only I use more strategy and the law where as cops use their instincts and sometimes a bit of force when necessary. It just seems like a never ending pile of cases I have to prosecute."

"It does seem like a never ending battle." Olivia sipped her glass once again finding it empty. She and Alex reached for the bottle at the same time. Their fingers grazed each other and the detective pulled back as if she had gotten a thousand volt shock. "Sorry about that. I guess our great minds are thinking alike." In her mind she was thinking how stupid she was. It was like she was back in high school or even worse, junior high.

It seemed to affect Alex the same way as she quickly stood up. "No problem. Here, let me freshen up both our drinks before I go and check on dinner. It should be just about ready. I won't take too long." She quickly poured the wine and made her way into the kitchen. As she had said, dinner was ready. Slowly, she dished out the enticing meal and brought both plates into the living room. "I hope you don't mind eating in here. I'm quite informal."

"That's all right." Olivia took the plate that she was offered. "It's nice and cozy in here." The evening was going pretty well as far as the detective could see. The only problem now was this awkward silence that had formed between them. Her fear was that Alex had realized that when their hands had touched it had meant something so much more to her than the lawyer. So they ate in relative silence.

Once the meal was finished, Alex kept staring at her empty plate. It was as if she said anything or moved that she would have to deal with Olivia sitting next to her. Finally the lawyer broke the silence. "Well, I guess I should clear the dishes. They aren't going to wash themselves or anything." As she stood up, so did Olivia. Their heads bang together slightly enough to make them both say oww.

Olivia laughed softly. "Sorry, I was just going to offer to be polite and help with the dishes. I guess I should have said something so that we didn't have a meeting of the minds." She watched as Alex rubbed her head. "Here, let me do that." Gently the detective began to rub the sore spot. Already there was a bit of a bump forming. "Gee, I think my head was harder than yours. I think you took the worst of it."

Alex smiled nervously. Her eyes locked with Olivia's for a moment. Slowly, the lawyers hand found the detective's free one. "I don't know about that. My dad always said that I had the hardest head he ever saw and knew that someday I would probably turn out to be a lawyer." Her eyes smiled in an intoxicating way to Olivia.

Without even thinking about it, Olivia drew the lawyer close to her. Their breathing picked up in an instant. Or was that just her imagination? Their lips hovered about a centimeter or two apart. Just as the detective was about to close that short gap, Alex pulled away. She jumped up and hugged herself defensively. "I think you should go."

Olivia stood and tried to take a step toward the lawyer. When Alex backed up several steps the detective knew what was going on. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried to kiss you. It's just that I got caught up in the moment. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you that my ex was a woman. I guess I thought you knew. I guess so much for our friendship. I really could have used that. You won't have to worry about me other than our professional relationship. Goodbye Alex."

Alex stood there in silence as she watched Olivia walk out the door. The lawyer exhaled the breath she had been holding the last several minutes. She sat down on the couch and began crying. Again, things had not gone the way that she had planned. Damn her past! It had ruined too many relationships and now had destroyed this one before it even got a chance to start.

Meantime, Olivia had managed to make it home. Her first instinct was to grab a drink and numb herself of the pain and the embarrassment. But that was her pattern. It was too much like her mother's and she was through living everybody else's life but her own. So, she had laid down in bed and had a good old fashioned cry.

The phone rang startling Olivia out of her flashback to the night that could have gone so differently. Without looking at the caller ID she picked up the phone. "Hello?" There was only silence on the other end. "Hello? I'm hanging up now."

"Olivia, wait." It was Alex's voice coming through the telephone lines. "We need to talk. Can you meet me in about an hour?"

Without hesitation Olivia said, "Sure. Name the place and I'll be there."

"My place." Alex paused for a moment. "Please, don't be late." There was only dial tone on the other end. So what did the lawyer want and why was she so desperate to see her? Soon Olivia would find out. But not soon enough.


	23. Chapter 23

AN-This, unfortunately, will be my last update of the year. While I love writing this story and plan to continue, I'm going on vacation and won't have access to my computer for a bit. Hope you keep enjoying. Thanks so much for the feedback. Sorry if it sounded like I was begging. Guess we all need a few cookies now and then. Have happy holidays and wonderful New Year!

Olivia's heart was pounding in her chest. It was pounding so loudly that she could hear it in her ears. Alex had not stayed on the phone long enough for her to even get a little hint as to what this was about. All she knew was that the lawyer wanted her to be there in an hour and not to be late. It sounded as if her friend was in some kind of trouble. The detective had had enough trouble over the past few months to last a life time.

Part of her wanted to use the siren and the lights but also didn't want to give a heads up to anybody if there was some kind of police trouble. The element of surprise could work very well in her favor. Of course, this all could be just one friend needing desperately to talk to another friend. At least the detective hoped with all of her heart that Alex still would be able to consider her a friend after what almost happened.

Liv slammed on the breaks and managed to get the car into a parking spot without crunching into the other parked cars. That would have looked great considering how recent her troubles with the IA had been. It was hard doing your job when you knew that you had several eyes always watching you. Not that they didn't watch everyone, but with her record they were watching a little too close for comfort.

The detective tripped up the stairs but managed to keep herself from falling back down the way that she had just come. Her hand was lying on the buzzer so long that she barely gave Alex a chance to respond. There was no word response just the sound of the buzzer unlocking the door for her. Forgoing the elevator, Olivia took three stairs at a time. By the time that she got to the lawyer's apartment on the fourth floor she was totally out of breath.

The door was still shut so she gently knocked on it. A soft sounding Alex's voice came from the other side. "Come in, Liv." Instinctively, the detective's hand went to her gun strapped at her side. Something was not feeling right here. But then, when did anything ever feel right. It seemed that she was a cop twenty four seven three hundred and sixty five. Slowly, she opened the door. Her mouth about hit the floor when she saw what was waiting for her inside.

Alex was sitting on the couch in a satin robe. Underneath the satin robe was a matching pair of ruby red pajamas. It took a few minutes for Olivia to find her voice and to find that her heart was still beating after the wonderful shock of the sight of the lawyer sitting like she was. It took a second longer to realize that her friend had been crying. In an instant, she was beside the counselor. "Alex, what happened? Why have you been crying?" she wanted to put an arm around her but was not sure if that was a good idea or not.

Sighing heavily, the beautiful blond smiled sadly. She stared for a moment into concerned and caring eyes. It made her feel warm knowing that someone cared already that much for her. "It's nothing life threatening so you can step back from being cop mode. And before you say anything, remember my ex was a cop. I always knew that cop mode look even if she didn't."

Olivia blinked a couple times trying to believe what she really heard. Had Alex just said that she too was a lesbian or at the very least bi? Or was that some kind of wishful thinking on her part once again? For someone that is quick on her feet out in the trenches every day, it took her brain a moment to form any semblance of a sentence. "You're gay?" Instantly, the detective felt like a complete idiot. "I'm sorry. That didn't come out right. I guess it's because of the way that you reacted when we had dinner that I just assumed…"

"Careful, you know what they say when you assume things." Alex's smile was so bright it melted most of the awkwardness that had formed between the two young women. "Sorry, had to say that." After a moment, the smile was completely faded. "I guess you would like to know why I asked you here especially in such a hurry. Well, I needed someone to talk to. And what you said about us and friendship, well, I really need someone now."

There was an aching in Alex's eyes that Olivia recognized right away. It was the same pain that she still felt whenever she found herself thinking of Eva, which was still too often for the young woman. "Whatever it is you need to get off your chest, I'm here for you. I really just wanted to start out as friends. And I'm not pushing nor will I push for anything more unless you make the first move. So, go on and let me stop babbling like an idiot."

Alex slowly reached over and took Olivia's hand in her own. She held it for a moment trying to form the right words. What she was about to confide in the other woman was something she hadn't told anyone. "My ex's name was Stephanie. We had been together for nearly two years." Liv could feel the lawyer's hand beginning to shake. In fact, the detective could feel her entire body begin to tremble slightly. "We broke up about three months ago but had remained good friends. Not easy to do these days especially when I had to work with her on a daily basis until I transferred to SVU." Tears were slowly streaming down her cheeks.

Instinctively, Olivia reached out her free hand and gently wiped them away. Her first thoughts were to pull Alex into a tight embrace. She wanted to gently kiss each of those tears away instead of wiping them away. But she had to stay strong and try to keep her promise of just friendship without the worry of her trying anything more. With Alex so close and the intoxicating smell of her perfume so inviting and the fire that she felt with the contact from the lawyer's hand in her own it was not going to be easy. "I'm so sorry. I take it that something happened to her?"

This time the tears were a freefall. Alex put her head on Liv's shoulder. She cried and cried for almost twenty minutes. Slowly, her breathing was returning to normal and the tears were but slow trickles down her cheeks. Sighing heavily, she sat up and looked into those intoxicating eyes once again. "I just found out this morning. That's why I didn't go to work today. Stephanie was shot inside a liquor store trying to stop a robbery in progress. She did manage to shoot the scumbag before he harmed the owners. But she's…"

"Gone." Olivia barely made the word audible but it still sent Alex crying a little harder once again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. And I'm very sorry for your loss. You have to raw right now. I don't know what I'd do if I were you. I've just been through breakups, fortunately. I've never had to deal with losing someone that I cared that much about."

Alex wiped her face and sighed heavily trying to get her breathing back to normal. If she were to confess the rest she knew that she would once again be crying like a little baby. She just needed to get through this so that Olivia understood that it was not because she didn't want to be with her but that she was afraid of losing her in a tragic way. "Well, it's not exactly the first time for me. You can say that I'm not a virgin when it comes to losing the people you love and in the most tragic of ways."

The little stab at humor made Liv smile briefly. Mostly she just wanted to hold Alex even tighter in her arms. "I won't be able to know exactly what you are going through but I will be able to empathize with you. So just keep it coming and don't worry about anything but just feeling better. I'll repeat myself here by saying I'm here for you no matter what."

That made Alex smile sadly. It was nice knowing that she had found a friend that was going to stand by her no matter what. "Well, back when I was a senior in high school I was dating a football player. I know, how cliché. We had been going out for nearly all of senior year. One day I got a call from his parents. He had been in a car accident on his way to pick me up for our date. Talk about crushing, but not only had he died but he had died because he was on his way to see me. I blamed myself for the longest of times."

"That's what most people do, at least the good ones." Olivia squeezed her hand gently. "We all want to blame ourselves for the tragedies of life. Eventually you just have to accept the fact that some things are going to happen no matter what. Life is not a constant thing. Everything is changing all the time. And I think I'm rambling once again. I don't usually do that."

"It's kinda cute." The comment made Olivia blush a nice shade of pink. "I do know what you mean. I went through a lot of counseling before I was able to get over it, not that you ever entirely do. It's a part of who you are and you are either a better or worse person depending on how you handle things. And now, I think I'm rambling a bit." They both chuckled softly. Alex could feel some of the sadness draining from her body.

"You're right; it is cute when someone rambles on." Olivia's cheeks turned a little darker red. "Although there are some it isn't so cute on. I think on you, anything would be cute." That sent Olivia's cheeks into a deep beet red. "But then you are cute and attractive and I'll shut up now. I have to try and get this foot out of my mouth that is shoved so far in now."

Alex chuckled. "You are amazing. I hadn't seen this side of you. Of course, most of our time is spent working together. Plus, I know how hard it is to deal with breakups. I think that's why this hit me so hard. We hadn't been apart for that long. It was almost like we were still together and yet I knew it wasn't true." The lawyer hesitated for a moment. There was still so much more for her to tell. But the friendship was still new and she didn't want to overstep the boundaries of that friendship.

"That part I can totally get." Olivia smiled sadly, her cheeks slowly finding their natural colors. "But for me it's a bit different. I wasn't the one that wanted the breakup. I was happy, delusional so. And then I had the rug pulled out from underneath my feet. It's only been a couple months for me as well but I already know one thing. I don't want to get back with her. And I'm almost a hundred percent sure I don't want to ever again."

"Really?" Alex felt herself pulled toward Olivia. "I guess from the way you reacted that day outside the precinct that you weren't sure what you wanted. Of course, it has been a little bit since then. So, you'd be open to new relationships should they present themselves to you?"

Olivia sat back a little. Part of her wanted to believe that Alex was hinting that she wanted more than friendship. But after seeing how hard the news of her ex's death had hit her that just could not be so. "Sure, if the right woman was to come along and was fully available."

Alex leaned in closer, her breathing picked up. "You know, before I got the news about Stephanie I was actually going to ask you out. And though it hit me hard and brought back some old feelings, I still want you."

"Excuse me?" Olivia wasn't sure if she had heard right or if it was wishful thinking. "I mean, want me is one thing. But I'm not looking for one night stands anymore. They're just full of emptiness and I want something so much more out of life than that for myself. And I respect you too much to allow my growing attraction to you and my growing feelings for you to give in to passion that would only last us one night."

"Just one night?" Alex looked a bit disappointed. "I think I'm coming across all wrong here. I also think that how I reacted to Stephanie's death is confusing you. I'm over her. And I've never been in a relationship that was simply a one night stand. I have to have major feelings for the people I sleep with. In fact, I almost have to be in love before I let myself get that intimate with someone else. So what I'm talking about here is more than just a one night stand. It could be the something oh so beautiful and amazing. Are you willing to let yourself go and get hurt once again? It's a big leap for me but I'm ready. It's up to you."

Olivia sat there blinking her eyes. She could not believe what she was hearing. This, at least a big part of her had wanted to hear Alex say. But on the other hand what if the two weren't right of each other? It would be another case of heartache all over again for both of them. Plus, they would have to work with one another and the detective didn't know if she'd be able to do that or not. Slowly, she stood up. There were tears stinging at the corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry. I want to but…"

Alex stood up with a speed that Liv had not expected. "I want to too." Before Olivia could say anything more, she found herself knocked back down to the couch. She could feel hands racing all over her body. She could feel a body being pressed tightly against her own. She could feel a fiery passion in the lips of the other woman. She let her lips part and Alex's tongue took the invitation.

Finally, after several minutes, Alex pulled back a little. Both their breathing was heavy from the passion they were feeling for one another. They stared into one another's eyes for the longest of times. Alex smiled a bit devilishly and said, "Are you sure that you don't want to spend the night? I make a mean omelet." Olivia smiled big and said…


	24. Chapter 24

AN-First off Happy New Year to you all. Secondly, sorry it took so long in updating. Not sure again how regular the updates will be as some things are happening in my personal life. All good things but will take up my time. So, enough about me. Hope you enjoy the latest installment and thanks for reading.

Olivia sighed heavily at the scent of the perfume emanating from the amazing woman lying in her arms. Her gaze found the alarm clock and wanted to take her gun out and shoot it. Though this was Sunday morning, it was still late for her to still be in bed. Another few hours and the day would be half over with. The detective hoped that there had been no calls for her but she was still in Alex's bed and her cell phone was in the living room. Cragen would be livid if she missed a call to a crime scene but at the moment she was not caring much at all.

Alex shivered slightly in her sleep. It had been a long and intense night and Liv knew that she needed her rest. The detective only wished that she could have gotten as good a night's sleep as the woman sleeping so soundly in her arms. But there were certain things that Alex had said and done that had made her think about so many things. One of them was how lucky she was that she had not lost Eva the way that Alex had lost her ex girlfriend.

The breath taking blond rolled over. Those amazing eyes were fluttering open ever so slightly. As soon as Alex could focus she sat straight up in bed. It was a motion that she instantly regretted as the pain in her head was an agonizing way of her to remember just how much wine she had drank the night before. There was a smile on her face, but it was one of true embarrassment. The rosy tint to her cheeks was an indicator of that fact and it made the detective smile to herself.

"Good morning." Olivia pulled herself into an upright position. She reached out to push a stray hair away from the lawyer's eyes. Part of her was hurt when Alex backed away slightly. "Sorry, I was just trying to fix your hair. So, how are you feeling this morning?"

Alex pulled the covers tight up to her neck before she could realize that she was still wearing her satin pajamas from the night before. Some of the events of the night before were flashing in her mind. But there were many more that were just an incomprehensible blur. "A little out of it. My head is killing me. I guess I had a bit too much to drink. Did we, uh, well, let's just say I'm not remembering last night too well. What happened?"

Now Olivia could not help but smile. Had she drank as much as Alex she was sure she would not remember much from the night before. "Well, I'd love to say that we were great together. And we probably could be. Some day. But you're actions last night told me that you are still very much in love with your ex. I think you were trying to use me to get over her death and in a hurry. Sorry, but when we make love for the first time I want to be the only person on your mind. I respect you and I respect myself too much not too. And I respect how you still feel for her. You hadn't been apart all that long."

That made Alex smiled sadly. She could feel tears swelling up at the talk of Stephanie. "Yeah. And I thought that I was really over her. I guess how much I drank kinda showed how much I'm not." Her gaze went from an old five by seven of her and Stephanie over to Olivia. "I want to apologize for the way I behaved. I can't say that I'm sorry for waking up in your arms though. It was very nice."

"I wasn't sure if it was." Olivia sniffed under each of her arms. "The way you shot up and then pulled the covers up to your neck I was thinking that I smelled or something. Not saying that I'm daisy fresh or anything but I don't smell that bad. It was quite a shock for you to wake up and realize that you were in someone else's arms."

Alex stood up and made her way to the dresser that held the precious picture of her ex girlfriend. She picked it up and traced the outline of her former girl's face. A solitary tear rolled down her cheek. Gently, she put it down before turning back toward Liv. "I was dreaming of her. I admit that. And it will take me awhile to get over her, probably now more so than ever, but that doesn't mean all that I've said to you is wrong. I remember asking you to do more than be friends with me. That's one of the things I don't regret saying. Don't say no just yet. Give it some time. For now, let's have brunch together. My treat."

Olivia stood and made her way directly in front of the blond bombshell. "How bout we start this relationship off on an even note. We'll split the bill for now. But I'm telling you now there won't be too many times when we have breakfast together and we haven't made love." Alex's cheeks turned a nice shade of red. "Why counselor, I do believe you are blushing. What's the matter? You can dish it out but you can't take it?"

That made the counselor shake her head and sigh heavily. "I'm really starting to wish I could remember exactly what I said to you last night. Something tells me that I was very unlike myself." She tried to smile innocently but could not keep up the façade. "Who am I kidding, I'm not that innocent especially when it comes to the bedroom."

That made the detective swallow hard. The way that Alex moved and the way that she talked and just her entire being was affecting the detective in ways that she had never thought she could be affected. Eva had been amazing but so far it was not comparing to how the counselor was making her feel. This was a dangerous slope that Liv was trying to climb she was slowly beginning to see. For when she fell for Alex, it would be with everything inside of her. Was that too much to give up? "I look forward to one day finding out."

()()()()()()()()

Brunch had been relatively calm compared to the night before. It had been wonderful just sitting there. Neither had said much as the whole night had to sink in for both of them. Olivia now knew that she was over Eva and wanted to start something fresh with Alex. But she knew that it would be awhile before the other woman was totally ready. So it also had been a bit depressing thinking that they would only get to be friends from now on.

Of course, work took care of the calm and serenity of spending time with the amazing woman. Nothing like the rape of a seventeen year old woman. What was worse was the fact that the family had not wanted to cooperate at all. The day had ended with them finding out that the woman was part of a scheme to claim rape and then sue the luxury hotel. It angered the detective that people cried raped just to benefit from it. It made real rape that much harder to prosecute in a court of law when people cried wolf too many times.

Her day had ended with the worst kind of news. Her mother had died. At first, it had not been that big of a deal for her. It had happened in a way that she had imagined when she could not get her to stop drinking. Still, it was not every day that you lost your mother. Never having a father it was hitting her that much harder.

It was not a good excuse but Olivia found herself back in the bar with her fellow cops. Already she had gone through three glasses of Scotch and was working on her fourth. In the back of her mind she realized this was what had caused her mother's death. In the back of her mind this was what caused her to keep anyone away from her that tried to show love. And yet she took another sip from her quickly disappearing glass.

"Mind if I sit down?" Alex stood there with a bit of a smile on her face. When Olivia only sat there with a blank look on her face, she invited herself to sit down. "I heard about what happened. I'm sorry about your mother." There was only silence from the other woman. "I know what it's like to lose someone you love."

"You don't have a clue as to what it's like." Olivia's voice was slurred as she was beginning to feel every ounce of alcohol that she had consumed. "You lost what? A lover? Those are a dime a dozen. Let me know when you lose someone that you can't replace." As intoxicated as she was, she couldn't see the crushed look on Alex's face. "Why don't you and everybody else in the world just mind their own business? I'm fine. And will be better off without everyone else sticking their now in."

Alex tried hard to push the hurt feelings down. She knew, though not really having known the detective all that long, that this was strictly the booze talking. "Go ahead. Hurt me if it makes you feel better. I'm not everyone else, I'll have you know. I'm the person that confided in you things I've only told past lovers. I'm the person that's sitting here hoping that I can someday earn your trust, respect and your love. So I'll take all the slings that you want to hurl at me. I'll stick by you no matter what."

Olivia swallowed hard. Those were some of the words that she was hoping to hear. She felt like a complete ass for having said what she had. "I'm sorry." She tried to sit up but slumped to the ground. "I guess I've had a couple too many. Haven't done that in awhile. I guess it hurt more than I thought it would. I never thought it would hurt this much." She sighed heavily as she looked into understanding eyes. "I know you understand. I was a jerk for saying otherwise. It's not exactly the same, but you loved Stephanie and I loved my mom. Maybe we can go to your place and we can remember them together? Without anymore alcohol just plenty of coffee."

"I'd like that." Alex carefully helped Olivia to her feet. The detective put an arm around the counselor's shoulder. It was not something she was used to doing, leaning on someone else. But she knew that it was part of being a friend. And bigger yet, it was part of being in a relationship. "This is the start of something beautiful my friend. I can sense something great for us."

"So can I." As soon as Olivia said it, she had an instant feeling of dread. It was probably all in her mind but she could not help feel that something horrible was going to happen to her just the way that it had her mother. But that, again, all had to be fear from starting a new commitment, right?


	25. Chapter 25

Olivia was nervous to say the least. It had been an interesting few days and she was still trying to process everything. First, she had finally realized that she could love Eva yet be over her at the same time. Then, she had realized just how strong her feelings for Alex were becoming already. Of course that had to be complicated by many factors not the least being that the lawyer had suffered a painful loss and wasn't ready for a real relationship. At least not at the moment but Liv knew that would change and hopefully sooner rather than later.

So why was the young detective so nervous? This was not her ideal way of spending time with Alex. Any time spent with the young beautiful blond was worth dealing with anything else but this was going a little above and beyond for the detective. Never having been the one to put too much stock in the past as she only knew of her mother and what little family and past that brought her, this was new and unpleasant for her.

But already she was finding that she would do just about anything that Alexandria wanted her to do. It was scary and irritating at the same time. Yet, at this time in their relationship, Liv wouldn't have it any other way. Still, to have to do what they were about to do was not how she wanted to spend her Friday evening off. It had already been a long week with the look into just how far young girls would go to become top gymnasts.

The detective pulled into the garage that was next to Alex's apartment and found a parking place. Because of the task ahead she tried to take a slow pace. But to her chagrin and to her pleasure she found herself walking at a near run pace. It was not long before she stood outside the ADA's door with her hand poised to knock gently on it.

But something kept holding her back. It was not for the lack of wanting to see Alex especially outside of work. There was still something about the plans for the evening that really had her double thinking this so called date. Still, the draw of seeing Alex was too great and she gently knocked on the door. Her heart sang as she heard the counselor's voice calling for her to come in and that the door was open.

Alex was standing in front of the mirror putting the finishing touches on her ravishing hairstyle. The smell of her perfume was already making its way over to Olivia's overly sensitive nose. If she wasn't already turned on by just the thought of Alex she was now so turned on that she could no longer stand still. She began swaying side to side trying to keep her wits about her.

"Hey." Alex turned from the mirror to see Liv fidgeting nervously. She had to smile to herself at how cute it was that a strong woman such as Olivia could get so nervous over seeing plain and simple her. "I'm ready to go if you are. Sorry that are plans aren't a bit more romantic but I thought this could be a good way for me to clear some things up before we start in on our own new and exciting relationship."

Olivia nodded nervously. For some reason it was like she had no tongue in her mouth. Words were becoming so hard to come by. And yet, she wanted to say how beautiful Alex looked and how amazing she smelled and that she wanted to ravish her right now. Liv shook her head as she felt her cheeks warming up a bit. "I'm ready when you are." It was all that the young detective could manage to say.

Alex made her way to the door and opened it. She offered Olivia her arm but the detective seemed to just stare at it. This made the counselor wonder if she had made a mistake in suggesting what she had suggested for an activity. "We don't have to do this. I just thought if we did it together it could be like an ending and a beginning. I can do this alone if it would make you feel more comfortable."

"Nonsense." Olivia smiled nervously and finally took the arm that she had been offered. "I guess it's just that I'm not used to doing this. Well, not that anybody really is. I've never even once…" She trailed off as certain memories came flashing into her mind. "Well, that's not exactly true. I've made one trip such as this but it was only a few days ago. It's still fresh in my mind."

"I know. And I'm still so sorry for what happened." Alex leaned in and kissed Olivia on the cheek. "That's for doing this for me." She kissed her gently on the lips. "And that's for putting up with me. I know I'm not the easiest person to always get along with or understand but you are doing a better job than most of my friends or past…" She trailed off thinking it better not to finish that thought.

But Olivia had in her mind. All of her past lovers were digging into her heart so bad that she nearly wanted to cry. Why she was letting it get to her she did not know. Everyone had a past that either you wanted to cherish or to forget. Her own past was not the greatest with the exception of Eva. But it hurt terribly thinking of anyone else in any intimate contact with the girl she was slowly or was it quickly falling in love with. "Let's get going. Don't want it too dark."

"Right. You lead the way." Alex trailed back a bit. She had noticed the look on Olivia's face when she had implied about past lovers. Her mind felt like it was no big deal and yet to think of the detective with the woman that was in the cab that day made her feel an anger that she had not felt in a long time. It was the kind of anger that she knew came from loving someone. But she still had to work through her feelings for Stephanie, right?

The two sat in mostly silence as Olivia drove the busy streets. She looped in and out of traffic almost like she was in some kind of race. Soon the traffic thinned out a bit and there was a little more feeling of home about them. Little houses lined both sides of the street with hardly a tall apartment building in sight. Soon, they were pulling into the parking lot of an old church.

"Well, we're here." Alex unbuckled her seatbelt and grabbed her purse. She met Olivia at the front of the car. "I know the way if you want to follow me." From the look on Liv's face she knew that the detective would rather be anywhere but here at the moment but a nod told her that she would be followed. "All right. Here we go."

They walked in silence for several minutes. Olivia looked around at the place that she had only been a few times in her life. Other than a recent one that had a personal connection the other times she had been here was when she had gone to pay her respects to a fallen comrade which happened far too often. In fact, a couple names seemed all too familiar to the young woman and it sent shivers up and down her spine.

"Here." Alex pointed down and Liv's eyes followed them. Written on the headstone were the words 'died too young protecting and serving'. It was Stephanie's headstone. "I was at the funeral, that's the reason I knew where to find her." She turned to look at Olivia. The detective could see tears flowing freely down her face. The lawyer turned back to the headstone. "Stephanie, I want you to meet someone very special. This is Olivia. She's a detective like you always wanted to become."

Looking a bit dumbfounded, Olivia took a step closer to the headstone. "Hey Stephanie. Sorry I'm getting to meet you under the circumstances. I wish I could have known you in life rather than in death." The detective started to shake a bit. This was all hitting too close to home. How many names had she recognized on other headstones on their walk? It could very easily be her name on a headstone at an age far too young like Stephanie's.

"Liv, are you all right?" Alex quickly turned her attention fully to the detective who was as pale as a ghost. "You aren't looking so good. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Why don't we get going?" The detective shook her head. There was her stubborn streak trying to come out. "Don't be a hero. If you don't feel well we can go at any time. I just wanted to say a final goodbye to Stephanie and to let her know that I'd found someone really special. Someone that I think someday, real soon, can make me happy."

Instantly, Olivia forgot most of her fears. The cemetery was not the most romantic place to be but she could think of nothing more than wanting to be with Alex. "I know I'm messed up and I'm adjusting to losing my mom and all the crap that goes along with the job. But if you'll let me I want to be the one that makes you happy. I promise only this that I'll try never to hurt you and I'll never cheat and I'll be there for you even if I have to move heaven and earth to do so."

Alex bridged the gap that was between them and kissed Olivia with a passion she had not known. It was close to what she and Eva had shared and yet it was nothing at all like the two had shared. It was new, it was exciting, it was for a place other than a cemetery. "Let's go back to my place and finish this conversation."

"I'm with you." It took only moments to get to the car and half the time to get back to Alex's apartment as it had to go to the cemetery. They now found themselves intertwined on the couch just kissing one another and exploring each other over their still fully clothed bodies. Finally, Olivia pulled back with a smile on her face. "I never would have thought this would happen so soon."

The counselor pulled her in close so that she could whisper in her ear and drive her wild. "I'm ready to go the full distance. I'm happy with just holding you and kissing you but I'm ready whenever you are to take that final and most intimate leap. I'll follow, you lead." Alex's eyes twinkled with mischief.

Olivia could no longer contain herself. She just had to have the lawyer in every way imaginable. She took the other woman by the hand and she led her to the bedroom. For a moment she hesitated in opening the door. "I want you to know that this means more to me than you can imagine. I know what you went through. I can only imagine how you felt. For you to give yourself to me and so soon…"

Alex hushed her with a kiss. "I just needed to say a final goodbye. Seeing you standing there nearly crying made my heartache. I knew then that I never wanted you to hurt and I never want you to again. I promise to do my best to make you happy. In every way that I can imagine. And I have a very vivid imagination."

"Let's find out." Olivia opened the door and led Alex in. It was going to be a special night, one that neither one of them was soon going to forget. For some things are anticipated and when they come to pass they are unlike anyone ever could imagine them to be.


	26. Chapter 26

AN-A little warning as this chapter is rated NC-17. Sorry as always for the lack of updates. I hope you continue to enjoy my updates. I'll keep going as long as you want me to. Feedback always welcomed and appreciated. This is dedicated to the one I love more than life itself.

It had been a long journey for Olivia to get to where she was. Making love had been just some term that she had never really gotten. Eva had shown her a little about what it meant. But what she was feeling already was more intense than anything that she had felt before. The emotions, the sensations, and the way her heart was on fire were all new to her. It was terrifying, but in a way that was just making it that more pleasurable.

The detective stood leaning on the bedroom door. Each had already turned off their cell phones and agreed not to answer the counselor's home phone. There was nothing standing between them but for the bit of fear in the back of Olivia's mind. It had seemed almost too quickly that Alex had gotten over her ex. Or maybe it was on in her mind and she was just afraid to once again let herself go completely and let another person in on how she felt and all of her fears.

Alex was sitting on the edge of the bed. The quick change artist had changed into a red satin negligee with lace running across the breast area and along the hem that just barely covered her most treasured place in the world. Olivia was literally salivating with the thought of the taste of the other woman. It would be sweet and satisfying. It was the only thing that the detective was craving at the moment.

"You've never looked more beautiful." Olivia slowly made her way towards the bed. She could sense that Alex's breathing had picked up a notch, as had her own. With a bit of show, the detective unbuttoned her own shirt and let it slide to the floor. Underneath she exposed a black lacy bra that left very little to the imagination. She hesitated a moment while she slide her blue jeans to the floor. Underneath those tight fitting jeans was a matching set of panties. For the longest of moments, she stood there and allowed Alex to take in every curve and to anticipate the feeling of her oh so soft skin. "And yet, you look like you are in a bit of agony." Finally, she closed the gap and stood directly in front of the counselor.

There was a sly smile on Alex's face as she used all her strength to resist just pushing Olivia to the bed and showing her just how frustrated she was becoming. "I admit that you are so damn sexy that it is making it very hard for me to breath. Nearly all of me just wants to be inside you. But I think that this being our first time should be something special. I think it should be more than just us showing how sexual pent up we are. I want to make love to you like you've never been made love to."

"Oh really?" Olivia's eyes twinkled. Usually she was always the one in control. But now, she was finding it just as intoxicating letting Alex control everything. "Well than, consider me a blank canvas and you can do anything you want to me. Just remember one thing, payback is a bitch. And I plan to make you feel things you've never felt, when it's my turn." This made Alex shiver with anticipation, but it also made her keep her resolve.

"I'll keep that in mind." Alex stood up and took Olivia's hands in her own. She drew her into a passionate kiss that seemed to last for hours. Finally, both of them had to come up for air. Without saying a word, Alex maneuvered her girl to the edge of the bed. Easily, she had her sit down. The counselor joined her on the bed sitting behind her. Soon her long and sexy legs were wrapped around the detective. "I'm going to enjoy this." She whispered and it sent jolts of pleasure up and down Olivia's spine and into her very core.

The counselor began with kissing the back of Olivia's neck. A little moan of pleasure escaped the detective and aroused Alex even more if that were possible. Slowly, her trail of kisses went down each bra strap while her hands found the quivering breasts that were already at full attention. Alex took the clasp in her mouth and gently tugged on it until she could no longer stand just playing. Her hands quickly made work of the clasp and she slowly slid the bra off and let it fall to the ground.

Before pressing her own body against Olivia's, she carefully slid her negligee off. Another big moan escaped Liv as she could feel the breasts of the woman that she loved so firmly pressed against her back. At the same time, Alex's free hands were squeezing gently the taut breasts. Gently and playfully at first until her passion was getting the better of her. Olivia didn't seem to mind and only turned her head around so that the two could explore each other's mouths at the same time.

Quickly, Alex found herself sliding around Olivia to the detective's delight. Through the red satin panties she could feel just how wet the counselor was and it made her even juicer than she was before. The counselor gently positioned Liv on her back. She began suckling on one than the other breast. One free hand roamed and felt wetness through the black panties. Slowly, she slid her hand underneath the panties and slid a finger into the growing wetness. Olivia nearly convulsed there was a sudden amount of extreme pleasure.

Alex pulled out the finger and brought it to her lips. Making sure that Olivia was watching, she slowly licked up one side and down the other side of her finger before thrusting it into her mouth and sucking every bit of juice off. It was almost too much for Olivia who wanted to throw Alex to the bed and turn the tables on her. But she had agreed and would not go back on her word as much as it was killing her to do so.

"I think you are almost ready now." Alex had the largest evil grin on her face. She straddled Olivia and trailed kisses from her lips, her ears, her neck, all the way down to her pulsating mound. Quickly, she slid off the offending panties and threw them to the ground. Gently she kissed Olivia's core and got a full body tremor. It was intoxicating how good she was making Olivia feel. She rubbed her hand across where she had just kissed while her tongue made a trail up and down each leg taking the time to suckle on each toe.

"No more, please! I need you inside me!" Olivia barely was audible she was in such a need to release what Alex had so carefully built up inside of her. "I love you!" Alex smiled satisfactorily to herself as she knew that her job was almost done. Without another moment of hesitation, she found the juices and thrust her tongue in savoring ever taste, every smell, and every shudder that Olivia let out.

Her tongue was exploring with abandon. First she was moving in a circular motion, than front to back. It was driving Olivia crazy and it was driving Alex crazy as well. Finally, Alex found a rhythm and that spot that makes a woman feel the most amazing things. Her speed was steady at first but slowly she increased the speed. All the while her hands were roaming and finding those breasts that she could not stray too far from.

Finally, Olivia convulsed hard and screamed so loud that Alex was sure that all her neighbors would hear. But she did not care because she knew that she had just taken Olivia to the Promised Land. It was a place that you nearly have to die to go to but it's worth it. She just wished that she could take her there again, and again, and again.

"That was…" Olivia's breathing was still heavy. Her mind was still a bit of a blur as all the amazing sensations were flowing still through her body. "That was amazing. I've never felt that way before. I mean, I've had orgasm before but nothing like that." She lifted her head so that she could look Alex right in the eye. "I do love you. I want you to know that. And thank you for…"

Alex silenced her with a kiss. She was feeling so good it was almost like she had been to that place as well. "I love you too, detective. And I'm glad that it was well worth the wait. I told you I wasn't just going to fuck you I was going to make love to you. It's something so much more than I can describe. And I am glad that I took this job because I think I found the person that gets me. You make me feel like I'm whole for the very first time in my life."

"I know what you mean." Olivia was a bit groggy. "For the first time, I really truly feel like there is this other half of me and I've found it in you. I never knew what I was looking for in life until I found you. And once I've rested up a bit I'll show you exactly how you made me feel. But I'm a bit tired right now and I just need a nap. You wore me out."

"Good." Alex kissed her forehead and watched her drift off to sleep. She wrapped her arms around the detective. It was the most loved and the safest she had felt in such a long time. Hopefully this time could be the one that lasts. Too many times her heart had been broken. And if it were broken this time, she was not so sure if she could survive the aftermath.

But that was something she needn't worry about now. For she had the woman that she loved and whom loved her in her arms. They could stay that way for eternity and she would never get tired of it. And there was the part of her that was anticipating exactly what Olivia was going to do to her when her girl woke up from her nap. Alex drifted off to sleep and dreamt of making love, over and over again until the end of time.


	27. Chapter 27

AN-Well, hope you enjoyed Alex and Olivia finally getting together. No promises on how the story will go. I do love a good twist now and then. Hope you continue enjoy and as always any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Olivia had watched the shadows dancing across the wall the past few hours. It was now shortly past sun down. It had to be nearly six at night this cool fall day. The detective in her knew that she should check her messages, especially her cell phone. Alex's phone had rung a few times as well. Though it was a Sunday, crime never seemed to take a holiday. And this had been the best holiday that she could remember in the longest of times.

One day in a person's life should not be considered a holiday but with her line of work one day was sometimes all you got. It felt so good to get away from all the pain, the suffering and the abuse that she had to deal with each and every second while on the job. The only thing that kept her going with a horrific job such as hers was the thought that one more bad guy would be put away. The question begged for how long?

Liv tried to push those thoughts out of her mind as she could feel Alex beginning to stretch. They had been in bed together all of the night before and all of the day. Neither had taken a moment to eat just had continued to take turns on seeing who could pleasure the other the most. It was a very fun game but one that unfortunately like all good things had to come to an end.

Alex looked groggily into loving eyes. Though they had known each other only a short while, the counselor had seen a dark side to the detective. But she also could see such a loving and nurturing side that she often wondered why the detective had yet to consider settling down and raising a family. But that was a conversation for a little further down the road for the two of them. This was the beginning of something new and exciting and she didn't want to spoil it. "Good morning."

Olivia leaned down and kissed her girl with a bit of passion. "It's more like good evening." She smiled as Alex looked around and noticed the waning shadows of the sun. "Guess we pretty much spent the whole day in bed, not that I'm complaining or anything. What say we go and get something to eat? I don't know about you but I'm famished."

"I could eat." Alex winked at the woman that was becoming so important in her life. "But we don't have to go out, if you don't want to. You can help me fix something. I always have something on hand. It's a bit of a stress reliever, my cooking. It helps me to think and it helps me to relax. Or, we could go out. I'm not that picky."

"I'm afraid if we leave your apartment the real world will come crashing down. It's been so long since I took a day like we had." Olivia pulled Alex into a tight embrace. "I don't know if you really know what it means to me what we shared last night. It wasn't just about the sex, which was amazing if I do say so myself. It was about getting to know you, inside and out. It took a lot for me to do that after…"

"After what happened with your ex and the fact that I appeared not to be over mine." Alex brushed a stray hair from Olivia's face. "I know. It seems like, though we've only known each other for about a month or so, we had a long path to trek to get to where we are. I don't want to spoil it. I want to keep getting to know you. I want to keep feeling the way I did when I woke up and saw you looking at me the way that you did. But even more importantly I want to keep sharing all there is to share. I want a real relationship, kids, the whole shebang."

Olivia sat up straight in bed nearly sending Alex to the floor. "Sorry, it's just that…" She took a deep breath and tried to get herself to calm down a bit. "I want to ask you something, did you ever check me out when you were first assigned to special victims." The counselor got a naughty look on her face. "I'm serious here, Alex. Do you know anything about my past at all?"

Alex sat straight up in bed. She held the sheets to her chin in a protective manner. It was as if she had done something wrong by saying that she wanted something real with Liv. "I'll admit that I asked around a bit about you. But not anything more than what you were like or if you were seeing anyone. I only know what you've shared with me about your past. If there's something you think I should know…" She reached out and took the detective's hand in her own.

Liv felt the strength that emanated from her girlfriend. It was part of the reason that she had fallen so fast and so hard for her. It was difficult talking about something that she should have said something about before she let it get this far. "Well, there are a couple things you should know about me. One, my mother was raped and I'm a result of the rape. Two, my mother was an alcoholic and basically killed herself one day by falling down stairs after being too drunk to see straight."

The counselor let the sheets drop down exposing her milky silky breasts. She leaned in and kissed Liv gently on the lips. She pulled Olivia into a tight embrace. "And all of this scares you to death." The counselor pulled back to see a glimmer of a tear in the detective's eye. "I understand that you are worried that you turn out like your parents and now why you are such an advocate for rape victims. Has there been any sign of you turning out like either of your parents?"

Olivia turned her head away in shame only to have Alex gently force her to keep her looking her straight in the eye. The solitary tear slowly trickled down Liv's cheek and Alex lovingly wiped it away. "I know I have a problem with drinking. You can attest to that. You found me that way in the bar more than once. In fact, I have you to thank for helping me get my head out of my ass and realize that I'm worth more than throwing my life away in a bottle like my mother. As for my father, sometimes…"

Alex pulled her closer and took Liv into a hug. Liv kept her head gently resting on Alex's strong shoulders. It enticed her feeling the counselor's breath on the back of her head as well as the fact that the detective was slowly stroking her arms. "You sometimes what?" The counselor gently prodded to keep her girl talking. Sometime soon the shoe would be on the other foot. She just hoped that Olivia would be as understanding as she was being.

The detective took a big sigh. "I've seen myself going after some of the creeps we deal with. I push and push myself until it feels like there is nothing else I can give of myself. And worse, I sometimes feel that urge to take care of them so that the courts won't just let them go or get too little time behind bars. It's a strong feeling, one that I sometimes have to fight with every fiber of my being. And other times, I sit back and wonder why do it at all? After all, where there's one pervert there seems to be a million. Do we ever really make any progress?"

The counselor began stroking Olivia's side and kissing the top of her head. "I don't know how much of a difference we really do make. It always does seem that for every pedophile, rapist, or whatever sick bastard there is out there, there are several more to take their places. But what if no one did what we do? What if society was just left on its own? I'd feel worse if an innocent person took the law into their own hands. That eye for an eye thing is crap. Otherwise we'd be killing everyone or putting them in jail. We'd have a lot of blind people out there as well."

The little bit of humor made Olivia smile for a moment. But it faded as other thoughts entered her mind. "I know you're right about why we do this job. It's just hard to see the bad guys get virtually no punishment and the victims have so much to deal with." She swallowed hard before continuing. "I'm also worried about the things I have genetically inside me getting passed on to any of my kids. Or even just as bad the environmental things such as being an alcoholic and a daughter of an alcoholic."

Alex pulled back a little to look into Olivia's eyes. There was a knowing smile on her face. "Well, there are a few ways to look at it. One, we're a little too soon into the relationship to actually think about bringing children into it. Although, I would love kids someday. Secondly, even if it's you that has the kids it doesn't mean that you'll pass on anything to them. And thirdly, you won't be the only influence on them. I'll have a big part in raising them. Even if it were you by yourself, your kids would turn out wonderful. You are a very loving, caring and nurturing woman. Any kid would be lucky to have you as their mom."

"I guess so." Olivia sighed heavily thinking still of only the things that could go wrong. It was partly her nature and it was partly a job that had such a dark side. Her expression slowly turned into a smile. "Besides, we have a little while before we have to discuss such things. Till then I just want to keep getting to know you and I want you to keep getting to know me. I say we try to set aside at least one day a week where we both can just be ourselves and share all there is to share."

Alex hesitated for a moment. She knew it was the right thing if their relationship was going to last. But she was also worried about certain things from her past being more than Olivia could handle. "We'll definitely have to do that. Of course spending any time with you is going to be well worth it. Anything else is just gravy on top of it." Inside, Alex was terrified. Would their new found relationship be strong enough to stand up to the test of time and all of her dark secrets? Only time would tell.


	28. Chapter 28

AN-Sorry been so long since update. Hope it's worth the wait. Missed writing so hope you enjoy. Happy birthday to my sweet CS.

It'd been over a week since the two new lovers had spent the night together. Though the two loved one another, already there were some conflicts between the two young women. Some were the things that every new couple goes through. Those could be easily resolved over time. The kind of time that is wonderful to get to know one another over.

But there appeared to be another conflict brewing between the two that neither of them had yet to recognize. Perhaps it was the fact that they were still so new to one another in so many ways. Or perhaps it was the fact that the two were far too close to the situation. No one had yet noticed what was going on. But it would not last long the two having a conflict so big and no way to resolve it.

"What is this?" Alex looked like she was ready to kill someone. "I mean, really." She slammed a folder onto Olivia's desk. "I've read better reports by rookies. I can't go to court with what is in here." Her eyes were like flames and her cheeks were almost the shade of beets. The lawyer was not used to having to fight to get what she needed to win a case.

Olivia looked at the offending file with a bit of venom in her eyes. It wasn't often that any of the ADAs had the nerve to say that her work was that of a rookie. The feelings inside her were not of the good at the moment. In fact, had it been anyone else but her Alex she would have let her fists do the talking by now. "What's to understand? It's not a complete report because the victim is still in the hospital and unable to talk. She was beaten that badly. So forgive me if my report looks like that of a junior officer. Had you bothered to look, you would have seen that my report was pending further investigation. I had just thought it was nice to give you a head's up."

Alex looked down at the file and new in an instant that she had made a mistake. But she was not about to admit to it. "Most junior officers wouldn't write up a sloppy report and make me search for the fact that it's just a preliminary. It would be on the outside of the file. Probably highlighted or with a yellow sticker. I need a complete file before I can begin putting these scumbags away."

"If you'd just listen to me…" By now Olivia was fuming mad. No one had gotten her this mad since Richard had taken her and Eva hostage. She could literally feel her pulse racing and hear her heart beating in her head. To keep herself steady, she stood up and put her hands on both edges of her desk.

"Excuse me, is there a problem going on here?" The captain made his way to stand just outside his desk. He could see the two ladies and how red each of their faces were. "I thought we were all on the same team here. Or am I mistaken?" He looked first from Olivia and then to Alex. "I expect a certain amount of decorum."

"Sorry, Sir." Olivia straightened herself up to her full height. "You're right, Sir. I guess it's just a lot of stress lately with the couple unsolved cases. We'll find a better way to communicate and get the bad guys put away." There was a great deal of effort as she tried to smile softly. Inside, she was still fiery mad. Across from her, Stabler was taking in all that was being said and their body languages.

Alex looked down at her feet like she was being chastised by her father. It took a moment for her to recover a bit. Finally, she looked the captain straight in the eyes. "I'm sorry as well, Sir. Miss Benson is right when she says there is a lot of stress going around the station and the DA's office. It is an election year after all."

"Right." Cragen gave both young woman a once over. In the back of his mind he wondered if there was more to it than either of them was letting on. "That could be why I've spent half the morning talking to your boss, Miss Cabot. I suggest you get back to your office and deal with him and leave my detectives to their work."

"Yes Sir." Alex gave a look of apology to Olivia before turning to go. "I guess we're just having a bad day all around. I look forward to reading your complete report. And I look forward to that other matter we discussed earlier." The flirtatious woman could not help herself as she winked playfully at the detective. She caught herself and composed herself immediately and walked off back to her lonely office.

Olivia watched the nice figure of a counselor till she was completely faded out of sight. Slowly, she could feel her pulse returning to normal and her heartbeat was just a slight little thump in her head. She sat back down and picked up the phone when she noticed her partner staring at her in a knowing way. "What?"

"Nothing." Stabler kept his gaze steady on his partner. When Olivia flashed him that look he knew he'd better continue. "It's just that I can see that there is more to this than a file. So, how long have you two, well, been an item?" His eyes twinkled in that mischievous way that he had and it instantly irritated Liv.

"Not long, not that it is any of your business." Olivia sighed heavily. "Sorry. Didn't mean to snap at you or take it out on you." The detective looked around before she continued making sure that there was no one in earshot. "We've just started going out and it seems like we're going good. That is, until we get to the office. I just don't understand it."

"Seriously, you don't understand why there is a problem?" Stabler smiled and chuckled softly. "How many reports do we get because people are in a relationship and working together? Especially those that own their own stores together. A relationship is never easy going but when you add the pressures of doing well at work on top of it, well, it hurts the relationship. Plus, you feel like you can take it out on the other person and they'll understand."

Olivia looked down at her hands for a moment. Elliot's words stung true to her and yet she still somehow felt that working together was not going to be a problem for the two. "Maybe that's what happens with other people but Alex and I will not let that happen. Just have to work out the kinks, that's all."

Elliot shook his head. "Liv, as your partner I'm trying to look out for you." He sighed and shook his head. "We have to work together and I'd like to think that we are friends. I really only want to see you happy and if she makes you happy I'm all for it. But you have to be realistic about certain things or you'll end up hurting not only you but her."

"Thanks for your concern. I'll handle things. Have a phone call to make and then we can go see the victim if she's up to it." Elliot nodded in defeat. He knew that it was pointless to argue with Liv when she had her mind made up. He just hoped that she would be able to deal with working with the woman that she was dating.

()()()()()()()()()()()

Another week had passed when a new case had started up. It was a bad one that nobody wanted to mess up on. Olivia and Alex had worked closely and without incident. The two had shared a long talk about the yelling incident and had resolved never to let anything like that happen again. The two were still learning so much about one another and yet knew each other so intimately.

Today was a normal day. The detective had luckily had a break in the case and had a suspect finally in custody. Now all they had to do was to get him to talk and they could have a slam dunk case. Alex was watching from the window in the other room to make sure that everything went according to the law. There was no way anyone wanted this creep back out in the streets.

Everything was going good until Elliot pushed too far and the bastard cried for a lawyer. The detective continued his questioning anyways. Finally, Alex stepped into the room. "That's enough, detective. He's asked for his lawyer and he has every right to one. Now, back off and let him have his one phone call."

Elliot slowly made his way to the door to stand just behind the ADA. Olivia was still standing behind the creep. "I hope you know what you are doing. I hope you can put this guy away for a very long time. Because if you don't…"

"Easy, detective." Alex looked at him over the rims of her glasses. "I'm the one that is going to handle Mr. Evans. I can take care of him rather easily." She smiled a soft smile. The counselor then looked back at Olivia who had a look of concern on her face. "I can take care of a so called man like him any day."

"You wanna bet bitch?" Without anymore noticed, the creep lunged at Alex and knocked her to the ground. Elliot was the first to react by knocking the perp into the wall. In a flash, the perp had Elliot on his back on the floor dazed and confused. Mr. Evans then went back to beating on Alex as if there was no tomorrow.

"Stop!" Olivia screamed at the top of her lungs. She had been momentarily paralyzed for some reason. Her instincts, or more likely her emotions, got the best of her and she pounced onto the guy hurting the one that she loved. "You son of a bitch!" Somehow she managed to get the guy onto the floor off from Alex who was laying there bleeding from above her eye and her lip. Without any thoughts she began pounding the guys head into the floor. She didn't stop until Munch had pulled her off.

The next thing that she remembered was sitting outside of IA once again. Words like 'her career is on the line' and 'excessive force becoming an issue' kept being thrown at her. Meanwhile she could not even go see Alex who was in the hospital suffering from a concussion and many bruises and cuts. The guy that Olivia had beaten up was now in a coma with little hope of recovery. For her sake, she had better hope that he did.


	29. Chapter 29

AN-As always, hope you are enjoying the continuing saga of Olivia Benson. I'm veering a little off from the show. I just want to write a good story and hope that everyone enjoys it. Thanks for reading.

Olivia looked down at her hands and cringed. Though she had been a cop for a very long time now, she had never been as violent as she had been just a few days before. It was as if she could still feel the blood on her hands. It was a feeling that made her nauseous. Her job had never been easy but since she had gotten involved with Alex, things had gone from simple to complicated in a heartbeat.

Part of the old Olivia wanted nothing more than to blame her new love for the things that were going wrong for her. In her heart she knew better. It was that old adage that people that work together should not date one another. The thing was that they never actively sought out a relationship. At first, it had been a little harmless flirting that had somehow become larger than life.

The detective stood and made her way over to her apartment window. The window was filmy for lack of washing. After all, there was not a great view from where she lived. It was still more of a place to sleep and eat in while she was not at work. In the past, that had consumed a great deal of her time and had left very little time for any social pleasures. Now even her social pleasures were being inflicted upon her job.

It had started when she had first met Eva. Though at the time she had not realized that she was gay, it was still a relationship that had started because it was work related. True, they had met in a bar and Eva had wanted to get to know her better but it still blossomed full speed because Olivia had so much interaction with her because of her job.

Now, Alex was an integral part of her job as well. Olivia was the muscle and Alex was the brain part of the system. The two parts of the legal system had to work efficiently together or many more creeps would be on the streets than there already were. It was no wonder that they had grown so close and so quickly. You work so hard to make sure a person needs all that they do for work and things are going to cross the line, right?

Olivia sighed heavily and walked over to the refrigerator. Inside was the bottle of wine that she had bought for a picnic that she planned taking Alex on. Picturing the woman that she loved in the hospital so badly beaten and bruised made her want to cry. A solitary tear rolled down her cheek as she wondered just how she was supposed to make it without even being able to go and see her. It was part of her ordered time off that she and the ADA not have any contact without an official representative be there.

The detective opened the fridge door and roughly grabbed the bottle. The only thoughts going through her mind were of the image of the ass beating Alex to a pulp and the resulting images. One last thought crossed her mind as she took the bottle and opened it. An image of a frightened blond sitting in a hospital room all by herself flashed in her mind.

In a matter of minutes Olivia had consumed the bottle of wine. It was the first bit of alcohol she had consumed in months. The green bottle was still in her mind when she realized just what she had done. She took the bottle and with all the force she could muster, she smashed it into the sink. Glass shards sprayed everywhere, including one that found the detective's hand. She cursed as she pulled it out.

Weak. Olivia had not realized just how weak she was until that very moment. There were too many times in her past that she allowed herself to succumb to all the desires and needs. But now she was weak because she was afraid that all that had happen would cost her her job, her way of life, and the most important thing, the woman that she loved more than life itself.

Olivia looked down when she realized her hand was still bleeding. She wrapped a dishcloth around it and sank down to the floor, her back leaning on the cupboards. Was she ever going to be strong enough to live her life without some kind of crutch? Her latest was an ADA by the name of Alexandria Cabot. Would she be able to live if something happened to the other woman?

()()()()()()()()

Alexandria Cabot had been in the hospital for four days now. There had been a few visitors from time to time. Her boss was one that showed up every day if only to be so cold hearted and talk shop. Elliot Stabler had been by once to make sure she was all right and to let her know the creeps status and what was happening to Olivia because of her outburst. Her mom lived to far away to visit but had called several times. But the most important person in the world had yet to even pick up the phone to give her the time of day.

It was partly unfair to be thinking like that. Alex knew what Olivia was going through with IA. It was the hardest thing for a police officer to deal with. The counselor could not understand why they were going after the young woman so hard. It was not like the creep had been killed while in custody. And it was not like they did not have on tape what he had threatened to do. There was something personal going on but for the life of her she could not figure out what it was.

Two more days, that was what she was going to have to spend in this place they called a hospital. It was not all bad, really. But she was beginning to get stir crazy. If Olivia was not going to come to her than she wanted to be the one that made the move. How could she if she were trapped in a hospital room with only a telephone as an outlet.

That was one possibility. If only to hear the sweet voice that was now such a comfort to her, it would make all the difference in the world. But was she pushing herself on Olivia? It would not be the first time that she had pushed when it came to a relationship. Truth be told she had pushed Olivia a little harder than she should have at first. And she had pushed herself too fast after her last relationship had ended.

Alex sat up and picked up the phone. Quickly, she slammed it back down. It was not out of fear of being rejected by Olivia or fear that they would get caught. It was out of fear that once again she was pushing her love too fast. All she wanted was to be wrapped up in the arms of the strong detective and let things lead where they would.

But there was now a barrier forming between the two lovers. It was becoming higher every second that they stayed apart and did not even try to contact one another. The longer they stayed apart the harder it would be to reconnect with one another. And there were still so many things that the two women needed to learn from one another.

The young counselor could feel tears swelling at the corners of her eyes. It was as if someone had taken something so valuable from her. All she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. After one tear fell from her eye she refused to let any others fall. This relationship was not dead. She would not lead it be. If there was one thing she was that was a fighter.

Just as she was about to pick up the phone again, two men in suits knocked on the door. In an instant she knew who they were or at least where they were from. "Come in gentlemen. I've been expecting you. I'm surprised that it took you this long to see me." She motioned for the empty chairs by her bed.

The taller dark haired one nodded. "Sorry but we have to decline the invitation. We only have a moment to speak with you." He came closer to her bed. "We have your written statement but there are a few things we need to clear up. You claim that you never saw Detective Benson strike the victim."

"For one, he is no victim." Alex made herself sit up straighter in her hospital bed. "And by the time that the creep that assaulted me had been apprehended by Detective Benson I was already out cold. I resent the implication that I am somehow covering for anyone. I am an attorney gentlemen. I do know the consequences for lying."

"With all due respect, Miss Cabot there is a bit of underlying circumstances in this case." The shorter grey haired man stepped forward. "Not to be so bold to be in your personal life but it is suggested by more than one that you have a person relationship outside of work and that complicates matters."

"The only thing complicating things is the fact that you two and all in your department are so afraid of lawsuits that you would rather suspect a dirty cop than a good one." Alex sat up in bed with a fire in her eyes. "All of us in this room know that Detective Benson is one of the best cops you have on the force and has been for a long time. Do I personally think that she used excessive force? No, I do not. Not only did the so called victim put me in the hospital, he caused another detective to spend the night in the hospital for observation. So gentlemen, either make a valid point or question or get the hell out of here."

The shorter grey haired man started to say something but the younger one put his hand on his arm. "We're sorry to disturb you as it seems that we have while you are trying to recuperate. We'll be in touch if we have any further questions. Please try and have a good day." The two slunk out of the room like a pair of snakes.

Alex could not believe the nerve of some people. She knew that they were only doing their jobs and trying to protect the integrity of the police force but they had a way about them that would test the pope himself. It took a minute for her to gather herself. She picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number. Olivia's voice was on the other end but it did not sound like the woman that she loved. "I know we aren't supposed to have contact but I had to at least hear your voice. I need you, more than ever."

Olivia smiled and let the tears fall. "Alex, I don't think this is going to work out. I mean, I hurt someone because I love you so much and we had trouble getting along at work. I…"

"Don't be silly." Alex could tell that something other than what had happened was going on. "Liv, sweetie, I can sense that there is something more to this than meets the eye. Please come here and we'll talk it out. I don't care what the bureaucrats say."

"I…" Olivia took a deep breath. "I can't come. I…" She swallowed hard to keep her resolve. "I've been drinking. I can't see you like this. I messed up. I'm so sorry. I should have thought more about you. I'm just so weak without you."

"And I'm weak without you." Alex felt a couple more tears fall. "Just sober up and come when you can. You mean everything to me and if that means I have to give up my job to be with you I will. Please, come as soon as you can. I love you."

"I love you too." Olivia felt a sudden burst of strength flow through her body. If Alex believed in her and needed her that much then she had to get strong to be there for her. The detective vowed then and there that she would do whatever it took to keep the two together.


	30. Chapter 30

AN-Well, here's another chapter. I make no promises as to how often I'll update. Just know I appreciate any feedback and thanks for taking the time to read. And to my sweet CS, love you always.

Olivia looked from her watch to the clock on the wall. There was about a two minute difference. It really did not matter how much of a difference there was. Time was standing still for the young detective. All she could think of was the appointment she had after this torture. But she was being forced to be here. Should she not make the best of it?

"Is there somewhere you'd rather be?" The older slightly balding man said with a reserved look on his face. "Detective Benson, we've been here for about an hour now and you have not said anything. Don't you think it would be in your best interest to take advantage of this time?"

The detective tried not to roll her eyes at the man. True, he was only doing his job but she still felt that it was not necessary that she be here. There was only one kind of therapy that she needed and it was waiting for her at the diner across the street. "To answer your first question, I'd rather be almost anywhere than here. And I just don't see why I'm here or what I need to take advantage of with all due respect."

The psychiatrist noted the level of disdain in her voice. "You nearly killed a man with your bare hands. True, he had been attacking a defenseless woman. But it took two of your fellow police officers to restrain you and this is not the first time that your violent tendencies has gotten the better of you now has it Detective Benson?"

If he called her Detective Benson with that pompous tone once more. Olivia sighed and took a deep breath. It was true that sometimes her violent side got the better of her. After years on the force, especially the last few as an SVU detective, was it any wonder that she needed an outlet from time to time? "I admit only to be overzealous at my job. The only thing that might have gone wrong was that I had a bit more adrenaline flowing than normal. Am I sorry that he had to spend a week in the hospital before going on trial? Yes, only because the taxpayers are footing the bill. I don't see a problem with what I did."

The bell rang at that moment signaling there session was over. Like a bullet shot out of a gun, Olivia stood to go. "Wait a minute, detective." Slowly, the young woman turned and glared at the middle aged man. "With what you just said and the fact that IA wants you to go through at least five counseling sessions, I'll see you tomorrow same time same place. Make an appointment with my secretary on your way out." He dismissed her by writing on his notepad and turning his chair from her.

It was bad enough to have to sit through all this stupidity but now she was being dismissed like a child? Olivia left as fast as she could barely stopping to make the mandatory appointment. She kept telling herself that this was for the best so that she could continue to do the job that she was so good at and a part of her loved so much. But there was one thing that she loved more. Hopefully it would last through all the hell that she had caused for their relationship.

()()()()()()()

There was that smiling face that made her heart melt every time she saw her. Today she felt more like crying than anything else. This was not what she had wanted or what she had expected from her life. And yet, to have someone to share it all with was an amazing thing. Olivia managed to smile before she joined Alex at the table she had reserved. "Sorry I'm so late. The guy made sure it went the full hour. Plus, traffic was bad because of an accident. Have you been waiting long?"

Alex jumped up and kissed Olivia gently on the cheek before sitting back down. She took her lover's hands in her own. "I've been here about fifteen minutes. And unfortunately I probably will have a short lunch. I'm expecting the verdict anytime in the Osborn case. So let's make the most of the time we have." The counselor watched her girlfriend a moment and noticed how far away she seemed. "Is it really all that bad this therapy?" When there was no response, she prodded a little more. "Liv? Are you with me?"

"What? Oh, I'm sorry honey." Olivia blushed as the words came out of her mouth as the waitress was freshening up both their coffees. She waited until they were alone again before continuing. "Sorry. I'm just distracted by this whole entire mess. I'm having to sit and be judged and you still are healing up. At least you are back to work. I can't return, at least not fully active, until after the psychiatrist gives me the go ahead. I'd love to throw myself into my work."

The blond avoided eye contact for a moment before she gazed into confused eyes. "Maybe, and remember I'm saying this with all the love in the world, just maybe that is part of the problem." After having to deflect a look that could kill, Alex continued. "It's just that you have worked so hard from the moment I met you. And I'll be honest with you. I checked your background when I first was assigned to SVU. I checked all the detectives' jackets. You've put in more hours than your colleagues and have for quite awhile now."

"So, you knew more about me than you let on." Olivia took a ten dollar bill out of her pocket and slammed it on the table and stood up. "I thought of anyone that I work with and have in my life you would be the one that would be different. You would be the one that would understand everything that I have gone through the past few weeks. I mean I protected you from some ape and now am having to defend my actions to everyone around me and for what? So that you can say that you think that everyone is right and that I am crazy and deserve to be let go of my job. Nice, real nice. I'll see you tonight. If I can get this knife out of my back."

Without another word, Olivia took off like a shot. There were many eyes staring after her but two were already filling with tears. Alex took a deep breath trying to compose herself. She would have to put on a good face to start the long drawn out process on the latest case. And she would have to figure out what she was going to say or do to make it up to Olivia. If anyone knew how it felt to be betrayed it was her. And she had vowed never to let that happen again.

()()()()()()()()

It was late now and Alex could not wait to get to the serenity of her apartment though it would not be as comforting as if a certain someone, angry or not, was there waiting for her. As her luck would have it rain had started falling shortly after lunch and had yet to let up. Not only was she soaked from walking to her car but also soaked because a car had splashed her in front of the courthouse. It was one of those days that just kept getting better and better.

Reluctantly she put the key in the door. To her chagrin, there were no lights on in the ever depressing apartment. Slowly she made her way to the closet and hung up her wet coat and purse and flung the dampened shoes in there as well. As if she could barely move, she dragged her feet until she had somehow found her bedroom in the darkness. She opened her closet door and slid out of her wet close. As she was about to put her nice warm robe on, the light turned on.

"It'd be a shame to cover up something so beautiful." Olivia stood with only a black negligee on. She had a thoughtful look about her, one that said I am sorry and yet know there is more to it than just saying you are sorry. "I took my anger of the entire situation out on you. You, as the lead counselor to the SVU had every right to read my jacket. And I know you are just trying to help. I acted like an ass and for that I'm sorry. If you'll forgive me, I'd like to make it up to you."

Alex finished putting her robe on and slowly made her way over to Olivia. For a moment she stared into eyes that were confused and in pain at the same time. She pulled her girl into a tight embrace. Slowly, she led her to the bed. "It's not about making it up to me. I understand the stress that you are under. The one thing that makes you whole besides me is your job. Right now, you are denied being whole. I get it, I really do. But we have to talk about something before we can continue."

Olivia pulled back. It was her instincts kicking in once again. Rather than talk things through she would rather just become defensive or hide in the bottle. But not this time, not with someone that wanted her in every way imaginable and that made her whole and complete and for the first time in her life truly at peace when alone. "Alright. Just name it and we'll talk it out. I'm sure mostly it's about how I'm being toward therapy."

The blond twinkled at her a bit. This was, she knew, a big step for Olivia. "Well, let's just say that we all could us a little counseling from time to time. Even I have gone to therapy for awhile. I feel better off and feel that I can be a better partner to you because of it. So, yeah I'd like it if you gave these sessions a real chance and not just go to them as some kind of punishment."

The detective's spider senses began signaling as she realized that Alex was letting on to something in her past. And yet, the other woman seemed reluctant to discuss it even though they were trying to share everything about themselves. For now, the detective in her was put to bed and the girlfriend part of her was in full bloom. "I never thought I would need therapy. Even with all that happened to me in the past with my mother and with putting people I loved in danger. But I thought long and hard about how I reacted when that guy came after you the way that he did."

Alex pulled her closer. The strength she always felt when holding the detective was not quite the same. It was not like how she knew Olivia and it scared her a bit how weak and vulnerable she was. But then, everyone was at times weak and everyone needs someone to lean on. "You reacted the way any normal person would."

The detective could feel herself relaxing in the arms of the other woman. It would be so nice if she could stay here and never have to face the real world again. "But I didn't react like a normal person wouldn't. Yes, most people would have reacted to defend you and Elliot. But I went way too far. If Munch hadn't pulled me off from that creep I don't know if I would have been able to stop before I killed him." Olivia felt herself stiffen a little. "I'm afraid of how far I would go to protect you."

At that moment, Alex shuddered a little. But it was not because of thinking how far that Olivia would go. No, it was because she had been in that situation a long time ago and she knew exactly how far she would go. The question was would revealing that make the woman in her arms suddenly fall out of love with her? She knew that sooner rather than later she would have to reveal all of her past. But right now, she had to get Olivia through her rough patch. "That's something you are going to have to deal with. And I think that talking with me and talking with your therapist are the two best ways to get through this. How about tonight we not talk and just snuggle in bed."

Olivia's eyes softened and she once again relaxed. "I'd like that. But I don't want to put this off for too long. I want to get over it so that I can do my job the way I know I can. But more importantly, I want to feel safe around you again. And by that I mean not be afraid to hurt you. So, put your arms around me and we'll snuggle until the sun comes up and a new day starts. Again, I'm sorry for what I said to you earlier."

"Hush." Alex kissed her on the forehead. She could feel Olivia relax and soon she was asleep. But sleep would not come for the blond. Memories from a not so distant past were haunting her. Haunting her so much that she was now convinced that she could not tell Olivia the truth. If she did, she would lose the most important thing that ever happened to her.


	31. Chapter 31

AN-A month? Has it really been that long? Sorry about that to all of you reading my story. No good excuses whether it be writer's block or just plain not taking the time to do what I love so much. Hope you enjoy the latest chapter with promises of more to come. But as always, not sure when it will be. I'll try sooner than a month.

Olivia sighed heavy and put on a fake smile as she stood at the window in the waiting room of her therapist's office. Alex had just kissed her goodbye and the two were now staring longingly at each other. But for the detective, it was harder to say goodbye because she was still so afraid of all the things that she had to face to truly become a whole person who was worthy of the love of someone so wonderful as her lawyer love.

Alex waved one last time as she got into her cab and rushed off to put some of the worst criminals out there where they belonged. It was too bad to think that they would someday get out of jail. But that was not Liv's concern at the moment. Her mind was already dreading the conversation she was about to have with the man she was beginning to hate and for no good of a reason.

"Miss Benson," Olivia turned to see the young redhead that was her therapist's receptionist. If she were not in a committed relationship… The detective shoved those thoughts out of her mind. It was as if her old habits of jumping into bed with someone were taking over once again. "The doctor is ready for you."

"Thanks." Olivia took another deep breath to steady her nerves. After all the things that she had done and seen over the years of being an officer, one would think that this would be one of the easiest things she would have to face. She smiled nervously at the receptionist as she went by and at the therapist when she sat down. "Good morning."

"Good morning, Detective." Dr. Johansson was a very nice and polite man but to Olivia his very voice was grating. That was just all her imagination now wasn't it? "We have a lot to cover and so little time to cover it in. We haven't been making any progress. I hate to tell your superiors that you are still being uncooperative."

His tone and his words stabbed her in the chest like a thousand knives. "I know, Dr. But I've vowed to change. In fact, I've, with my girlfriend's help; decided that I should take full advantage of our time." She looked away to the window longing for Alex's touch. It would give her the strength she needed. In her heart she felt the love and in her mind she heard Alex saying how much she loved her and would be there with her through the end of time. It brought on another sad smile. "I do have some issues. And the place I think we need to start is the fact that I'm a product of rape." She practically hissed the last word out.

Usually unflappable Dr. Johansson's eyebrows raised and lowered quickly. Most would never even have noticed but Olivia was well trained in how to gage people. It could help in an interrogation. "You haven't mentioned that in our previous sessions. You also haven't said anything about your mother. I do understand now about not mentioning your father."

"I'm not sure who my father is." Olivia sat looking at her hands folded in her lap. She forced herself to look the doctor straight in the eye. "I have a vague idea but I'll never be certain. That is part of the reason that I transferred to the special victims unit. I guess part of me wants to make sure that what happened to my mother never happens to another woman again. If only that were true."

"It does seem to be a never ending job." Dr. Johansson inhaled and exhaled. "As important a revelation as your father being a rapist is, I think you are more inclined to talk about him than you are your mother. Is there a reason for this?" He sat poised to write down whatever it was that Olivia was to say next and with just a touch of excitement on his part. Perhaps too much excitement.

Finally, Olivia could not take it anymore. She had been so nervous already and now he was digging at something she rarely liked to think about. It had been forever since she had seen her mother. Talking about her was not something she did openly to strangers. It had taken a lot for her to open up to Eva and now to Alex. Now she was going to have to open up to this jerk? She took a deep breath and paced a couple of times in front of her chair before she sat down. "What exactly is it that you want to know?"

"I'm sensing some blocking on your part." The good doctor leaned forward in his chair. "Anything you say to me is confidential. Only what I think will affect your ability to do your job will be shared with your superiors. So please, tell me what it is about your mother that has you so reluctant to talk about her."

Olivia sighed heavily. She knew that her own past was an accumulation of what her mother's past and present was. Talking about what made her the person that she made her sick to her stomach just to think about let alone say it out loud. "I don't know what she was like before the rape. My mother rarely talks about her past. That is, except when she is drinking. Even then, it is the ramblings of a very hurt woman."

Dr. Johansson sat back in his chair, his eyebrows up. "I take it that your mother drinks quite a bit?" When there was a slight twinge by the detective he knew. But she had to be the one to say it. "Her problems, in a way, are your problems. But you also have to keep in mind that we as adults can handle things best when we talk about them and not keep them bottled up. I have a feeling your mother does not think like this."

It was all getting to close to home for the detective. She swallowed hard not to but one solitary tear strolled down her cheek. Quickly, she wiped it away. To her it felt like a sign of weakness, though she knew that Alex would not agree. "My mother is an alcoholic. I can only assume that it started after the rape. I can't tell you how many times that she has emotionally abused me in one way or another because of it." She turned from the doctor's steady gaze.

"I see." That was all that the doctor said. The two stared each other for the longest time. It was making Olivia feel angry. It was as if he were trying to make her angry. And it dawned on her that he was trying to make her angry. After all, he had just said how bottling things up was bad for her. "I see that you are realizing what I am getting at. Please, let us continue in the little time that we have left."

Olivia inhaled and exhaled trying to keep the anger at bay. Not because she wanted it bottled up but because she wanted to talk things out instead of letting her emotions get the better of her. "It's been a long time in the making. My mother was physically abused and raped which makes you feel helpless and not in control. I guess the only thing that she thought she could control was her drinking, or at least she felt she could."

"And you know this not to be true." Dr. Johansson smiled slyly. "I may not always look like I'm paying attention or sound like I know what I am talking about but really I do. You're right when you say that people who feel helpless or not in control will use a vice to keep that edge, that control. In your mother's case I also feel that she was trying to dull the pain that she denied herself was even there."

"And she took it out on me." Now the detective was crying. It wasn't a steady stream but more than a few tears trickled down her face. "There was one time when our confrontation got violent. I actually had to kick my mother in the gut and across the room to keep her from hurting me with a broken wine bottle. I think that's…"

"Go on." The doctor smiled kindly at her. "Please, keep going."

Olivia sighed heavily and looked toward the window wishing more than ever that Alex had been allowed to stay. She understood why not but needing support meant that she needed her girl more than ever. "It wasn't the only incident of violence. I even threatened to move out with a guy nearly three times my age when I was eighteen. And there is my past with men. I was the lov'em and leav'em type."

The doctor scribbled something in his notebook. "This changed? Or has it, if you don't mind me being so bold? I heard you earlier say something about a girlfriend?"

"Why, are you interested in girl on girl action?" Olivia smiled trying to break the tension. "Sorry, that was inappropriate of me. With the help of my ex girlfriend I realized that I was gay. And now, I'm in a very committed relationship that is equal in every way. We have not yet moved in together but spend most of our free time together. We also work together."

The doctor stopped scribbling in his notebook. "Work together?" He shook his head and sighed heavily. "That is not always the best way to keep a relationship alive. In fact, now that I've gotten to know more about your personal life and the incident leading up to the reason for these sessions, I'm sensing a conflict."

"I was wrong in my actions." Olivia straightened her posture ready to deflect the oncoming blows she felt were sure to come. "Part of it was because the guy had attacked Alex. But Stabler, my partner, had also been hurt. So mostly it was wrong of me but I also was following natural instincts and protecting people that I very much care about."

At that moment the buzzer went off. "Well now, this is an interesting place to leave off. It gives me something to think about. And I hope that you continue to think about your mother, your father, and what lead up to your violent outburst."

"I will." Olivia looked at her watch. "If my girl is out of court we can grab some lunch. Until next week." The doctor nodded and watched the detective leave. All the time he was scribbling in his notebook. It was two hours before Alex was free. They sat in a diner and were picking at the salads they had ordered. Apparently things had not gone well in court for the counselor. "You all right, hun?"

Alex snapped out of her dark thoughts and reached across the table to take Olivia's hand in her own. "As long as I have you I will always be all right. It's just a case that, well, isn't going well. I'm afraid it's going to take more than I thought to put the guy in prison. But enough about that. I'm glad your session went well. Perhaps we can celebrate?"

"You just want a reason to cook dinner and make love afterwards." Olivia smiled big at how Alex blushed ever so softly. "You'll never need a reason or excuse to want to be with me or show how much you love me. But I say dinner is on me as well as the show afterwards." Both young ladies laughed and smiled. If only they were to know what was ahead for both of them they might not be laughing and instead praying.


	32. Chapter 32

AN-Sorry for the lack of updates and sorry this is so short. Hope you enjoy and will continue to as I try to update. Thanks a million!

Olivia once again watched as Alex walked out the door and hailed a cab. It was like she herself was leaving it was leaving such an empty void without the blond by her side. If anything happened to the counselor, the detective was not so sure that she could go on living. Of course, her girl would feel that strain even more as every minute of every day could mean the last for dark haired beauty.

The voice of her therapist rang in her head. Unwillingly, she turned and sat herself opposite of the man that she was slowly beginning to trust. That said a lot seeing her past with her mother and her love life before Alexandria. They were deep in conversation. The fact that her mother was an alcoholic was the thing they seemed to go back to time in and time out. But there were other deeper lying issues that they had yet to crack.

That was when she heard the shots rang out. That was when she heard the screams. Without even a thought for herself, Olivia had drawn her gun and was down the stairs. Out of breath, she carefully looked outside the glass doors. One had been shattered by a stray bullet. The sight that she saw nearly made her mind snap right then and there.

Alex was lying on the ground. A stranger was pressing her hand against her chest in hopes of getting the bleeding to stop. It took several moments for the detective to really connect everything and rush over to her girlfriend. "Has anyone called an ambulance?" She heard her voice crack as she said it. Several onlookers said yes.

Olivia quickly took over for the kind stranger. She cradled Alex's head in her lap and applied as much pressure as she could. It hurt that the counselor winced at the pain but at least she was still conscious enough to feel the pain. Their eyes met and the detective saw a solitary tear roll down her girl's cheek. Alex managed to mouth 'I love you' before her eyes slowly shut. "I love you too!" No longer could she control it, the detective was now crying nearly hysterically.

The rest of the events of the afternoon were a blur to her. The ambulance arriving and she riding along the way to the hospital. Elliot showing up at the hospital to lend his moral support. Finn and Munch and the captain too. How long each was there she could not say. How long she had sat in the waiting room while they operated on Alex to save her life, she could not say.

The next thing she knew, she was in an alley behind a bar looking up at Elliot. At least she thought it was Elliot. When she heard the fuzzy voice say, "Are you all right Liv?" she knew it was her partner. But not her true partner. That memory came flooding back to her and she managed to roll over and vomit.

"I'll get you home again." Elliot helped steady her on her feet and walked her to his waiting car. "You can't keep going like this Live. The captain is not going to let you keep using up all your sick and personal days to keep loaded like this. You need some help. We have work to do. Alex would not want you to be like this."

Olivia shoved Elliot away and fell to the ground in the process. She managed to hit her head on the dumpster. After touching it with her hand she realized that she had broken the skin. "You might just need stitches. Please, let me help you through this." His big soft eyes were pleading at her and the dark haired young woman finally let herself be dragged to the car.

Twelve stitches and one hell of a hangover later, Olivia sat alone in her apartment. There were pictures of Alex all over the place. There were bottles of her girl's favorite perfume. The scent made it less lonely when she was just sitting there by herself. But after only a week after the death of the woman you loved, it was nearly impossible to get on with her life.

What was worse was the fact that she had not really had any say in the funeral arrangements. When she had been sober enough to deal with things, Alex's mother had refused to even acknowledge that they had had a relationship. That stung so bad that it had been the final straw in her attempts at staying away from the bottle.

"Liv, sweetie." Olivia awoke with a start. She searched for the clock only to find that it was now half past three in the morning. A moan escaped her as yet another days/nights drinking had caught up with her. It had been so many days now that you would think her body had adjusted to it. But no, there was that pounding in her head once again.

"I really wish you wouldn't do this to yourself." Olivia sat up straight which only made her head hurt that much more. Quickly she found the flashlight she kept in the drawer by her bed. At least she had managed to make the bed unlike the night before when she had slept the night away on the cold tile floors of her bathroom. "You can't see me with that."

"Who's there?" Olivia was beginning to panic a bit. Had she gone this far over the edge that she was now hearing voices? Had she really poisoned herself that much with alcohol that it was leading to this? "I'm a detective. I know how to take care of myself." Like a shot, she reached back into the drawer where her service revolver spent its nights.

"Silly, I know that you are a detective." The voice was becoming clearer and Olivia could not help but begin to cry. "That's right my love. It really is me. I'm sorry that you have handled my death as poorly as you have. But then, I remember how it was when she died. I was a mess too. Until you entered my life. I want you to know something. I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone ever. And I will love you till the end of time. But you are in the land of the living. I'm not saying move on with someone new. That will take you time to do. But just, please, let yourself feel again. Let yourself do the job that you were meant to do. And I will feel happier than I ever have. Plus, you can get the dirt bag that took me away from you."

Olivia burst out laughing while more tears streamed down her face. "Dirt bag?" It brought a sad smile to her face as well. "I just can't see living without you. But then, as you say, I am alive and you unfortunately are no longer. And it would be a good thing to move forward. It's just been so little time. I need more time. I need more time with you."

The detective could swear that she felt the familiar touch of Alex gently stroking her cheek. On reflex she let herself fall into the touch. "And I need you to live for the both of us. You need to start by getting yourself off the booze. That was the only time and still is the only time I don't like you a whole lot. I still love you, just don't like you. You then need to get your head straight. You know that it's going to take a lot for you to put these guys that did this to me behind bars. Please, for me will you get yourself back together?"

Liv closed her eyes and smiled a small smile. "I will. I promise you I will." Olivia actually felt a bit of the pain ease from her body as she uttered the words. Was it because she was going to fulfill a promise to the woman she loved or was it because she had finally got the one thing that she had wanted all this time. That was to talk to her lover once more.

"You promise what?" Olivia blinked her eyes hard as she tried to place the male voice. "Liv, what do you promise." The blurred vision of her partner finally came into focus. "You're in the hospital. I told you last night that the doctors were right. Not only should you have got yourself stitched up, you should have stayed in overnight. You have a concussion."

"Oh." The realization that most likely what she had just experienced was just a dream made her sad a bit. "That would explain a lot. Let's just say I promise I'm going to straighten myself up a bit. I've realized that Alex wouldn't want me like this. If she were alive, she would be sorely disappointed. Plus, we need to take the creeps down and now."

"We will." Elliot smiled a sad smile at her. "It might take some time. These guys are powerful. It took some balls to take out an ADA. Now we, the FBI, and several other agencies are after these guys. Together, we'll put them away. We'll do it for her." There was a twinge in his voice when he said the last line. He hoped that she had not noticed.

But being the detective she was, she had noticed. Perhaps it was losing one of your own. Perhaps it was worry over how strongly his partner was taking things or perhaps it was something else, Liv was not sure yet. But she would find out. She was going to find out everything she could about how her girl had died. There would be payback. One way or another.


	33. Chapter 33

AN-No excuses just apologies and the hope that you are still enjoying. Thanks for reading!

Olivia jumped out of bed, grabbed her gun and began pointing it at the doorway. She found herself in a near panic with sweat dripping down her entire body. First one way then another she pointed her gun before making her way to the window. The sight below made her breath a bit easier as Detective Munch and Detective Tutuola were down below keeping a vigil. Though unseen, she was sure that the FBI was out there as well.

A low murmur caught her ears and quickly she put her gun down. As fast as she could, she put the gun back under her pillow double checking to make sure the safety was on. A beauty stretched beside her and smiled slyly at her. "Is everything all right?" Alex's voice was still full of sleep. "I felt you get up in such a hurry."

The detective carefully got back in bed and snuggled up to her love. Her lover instantly moved back and looked into those soft sad eyes. "I'm all right. You're all right. I just had a bad dream, that's all. That's why I need a shower so badly. Wish it were for other reasons." She playfully slid her hand up and down the long slender body of the woman she loved so much and feared to lose.

"That might be arranged." Alex put a stop to Olivia's kisses and held her face gently in both hands. "That is if you tell me what is really going on." Her grip held gentle but firm when her girl tried to pull away. "Not this time, detective. You are going to tell me what it is that made you sweat so much. Nothing ever gets to you." The ADA hesitated a moment. There was a bit of dawning in her eyes. Slowly, her hands fell away from the soft face they hated to leave. "Unless it has something to do with me."

Sighing heavily, Olivia knew that she could no longer keep up the charade. "The FBI came to us with the threat that's been made on your life." Alex quickly threw back the sheets and sat on the edge of the bed, her back to her lover. "Before you get too upset, I was going to tell you in the morning. I just wanted you to get a good night's sleep before court tomorrow. I guess I was trying to protect you."

Alex turned around, a sad and scared look on her face. "Protecting me is one thing. I understand that and appreciate it. But to exclude me from something so big is nearly unforgivable. It's my life that you are putting in your hands." There was a hurt look on the detective's face. "Sorry, it's our lives that you are trying to control. It's a 'we' thing not an 'I' thing with us. This hurts a bit more than anything I thought besides you leaving me."

Olivia quickly came and sat next to her girl and put her arm around her waist. "Look, I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I just, well, was thinking how I could save you from this just once. It's going to get even uglier than it has already. Every time we think we have him, something else happens and he is sent free. That means he's free to come after you or whoever it is he thinks is in his way."

"Again, I hear your heart was in the right place." Alex stood up and turned to look Olivia straight in the eye. "I just don't know if you truly get why I am so hurt. This isn't just about our relationship. As my lover should you have trusted me with something so big? Of course you should have. But there's also the professional side of this. I am the ADA and with that job comes some not so good things like either attempting to or putting some of the worse criminals behind bars. And that means I make enemies for life. So I am prepared for this. I just wish you could have seen that I am strong enough to deal with it as long as you were by my side." Just before she left the bedroom, she turned back toward Olivia. "I always thought we were on each other's side. Now, I don't know."

The words stung Olivia so that she could not help but let a few tears roll down her cheeks. It was yet another example of the detective trying to do too much. That was what led her to being on suspension while facing excessive force charges. It was what was leading her to get the counseling she so desperately needed. It was what could lead to the downfall of the best thing that had ever happened to her. The detective was truly scared now. Not of the big bads out there but of losing Alex forever.

* * *

It seemed like a lifetime but it had only been a day. Olivia was back at the station but on desk duty only. Alex had been avoiding her all day or at least it had felt like that. It could be nothing more than her work keeping her away and all the feds and officers around her trying to keep her safe. It must feel like a prison, but the detective was grateful for everyone putting their life on the line for her partner in life.

It was seven at night and the detective had yet to get something to eat. All day she had put it off and stared off into space. More than once the captain had to yell at her to get her butt working. Just because she was on desk duty did not mean that she was on vacation as well. She felt a presence and looked up from the case file she had been updating. "You ready to go home or at least to get something to eat?"

To her chagrin it was Elliot standing over her. And yet, somehow, she was grateful as well. "I guess I could use a bite." She looked at the clock and stretched. "I didn't even know it was that late. Guess that's what happens when you are having the time of your life." She stood up and gathered up her belongings. As they made their way to the car, Olivia stopped and her partner did the same. "How is she holding up?"

Elliot gently took her by the arm and kept her moving until they were in the privacy of the car. "I knew you couldn't wait but I though a little privacy was in order. Alex is holding up. She's a strong woman and it will take a lot for her to fall to pieces. She needs you, you know. But she also needs time to get over whatever it is that went down between you two."

Olivia's face was full of pain. "Well, you see, what happened was me again. It never seems to fail me. Either my job gets in the way of my relationships like it did with Eva or worse I let myself become this heathen that has to control everything and not give credit to my other half that she is as strong as me. Hell, at this point I would say she is stronger than I ever will be. Guess this is something more for me to talk to the shrink about."

Elliot's head bobbed back and forth like he was thinking of how he wanted to say what he had to say. "This is not just about how you handled it. I think it's how we all handled it. You weren't the only one in the captain's office saying it would be better for Alex to not know until she had to. In fact, I think I did more to convince him of that. And no, it wasn't because I'm your partner. It's because I'm in a relationship too. If it were Cathy…"

That brought a sad smile to Olivia's face. "If it were Cathy I don't think anyone involved would be alive anymore. Of course, you have your kids to think about but I know for a fact that there would be some bloodshed. And I'd be right there by your side. I think all of this happening is for a reason. It's so I now know exactly what I have and how valuable it is. Not that I ever really took it for granted but it was just a slap in the face saying 'you dummy wake up and smell the coffee'."

"Speaking of which, why don't I buy you a cup." Elliot smiled at the look that Olivia gave him. "And after that we can stop and you can get something for you and Alex for dinner. The worst case scenario is that she's still upset and won't eat. The best case scenario…" The detective wriggled his eyebrows up and down.

"Don't even think about it." Olivia playfully smacked him on the arm. "Coffee, dinner and an evening with the one you love. Could there be anything better?"

Olivia had tears streaking down her face and red puffy eyes as she remembered that day not so long ago. It was a fight that was an out and out fight and yet she knew it was the one that hurt Alex the most in their too short time together. That time also made her vow that she would never again take anything in her life for granted. She would work hard to make sure that no one that she ever loved again would think that anything came before her. That was a vow she made here and now as she lay in Alex's bed with only a picture left of the woman she loved.


End file.
